I search for happiness in
Music
Books
Food
Movies
***
Television
Hot showers
Cold showers
*******
Internet
Medication
Trees
Sunlight
Grass
And­ I still can’t find what it is that I’m looking for.

i do not want to crack myself open for you any more.
i wish i could take back all of the love that i gave you and keep it for someone more deserving, keep it for myself.
i did not care enough for myself in the past. i want to change that.

i recognize that i deserve better. i deserve love, goodness, and health. i deserve happiness. pure joy. i deserve to feel good things, no matter how i felt in the past. even when i am at my lowest, even when i feel that i hate myself, i will continue to respect myself enough to not strip the love i need and want away from myself.

i swallowed your grief like a poison,
i ate your disease with a ****** mouth.
i split my knuckles and ****** the consequences,
i pulled out my core to give you stability.

i would have taken the weight of the world on my shoulders for the rest of my life to alleviate your pain.

but it wasn't enough.

i am a curse
i am an elegy
i am a sunburn
i am cold grief
i am an insincere kiss
i am the highway separating lover from lover
i am shaking death's hand

placing my fingers on my sternum,
I crack myself open,
a fresh orange,
sweet juice dripping down my fingers.

find something you love
let it break your heart

find something you hate
let it eat you alive

crooked nose, bruised knuckles, uneven eyes. strange marks on your body where they do not belong. scarred and bruised and angry and ugly. i kiss the wounds that stretch across your sore body and say a quiet prayer.

you're thinning and your eyes seem empty, but i love you all the same. you're reaching out for something that does not exist, never will; i reach out too, if only in the hope to grab it for you.

you deserve the universe and the scratches on your cheekbones prove it. you fight like a wild dog but your heart is softer than anything i have ever known.

i wish i could save you. you and your twisted morals. you and your crazy love that has never given up yet. you have had so many chances to stop; to give up; to lead a life of morality and clean hands and hearing in your left ear.

you are so wild. you are so harsh. you are so ugly.  and i have never seen anything so beautiful.