I love me, I love me not.

His hands around my neck,
And a weight
of the past
Slamming against my back
to the rhythm of my cries
I am stuck on repeat between
I feel nothing and I feel everything
But never enough.

I’d rather feel the ache between my legs of where he was
instead the ache in my chest of where I was.

So here I am yet again, a lone passenger on a burning ship,
With my back
to the fire that I have set myself,
only realizing my danger by the look
on everyone's faces back on shore
screaming at me to abandon ship.

You say that I'm your universe,
but I am only shattered stars.

My world imploded on itself,
leaving shards,
Of planets and galaxies
sticking out of my skin,

And the blood from my wounds run red,
inspiring you to call me your rose.

Familiar stranger,
linger a bit longer on my warmed skin.

It’s been too long,
but now we meet again.

Help me forget the pains of my day,
numb my mind
help me find
a looser side
in which I recall every now and then

My secret friend
with a taste and smell
that makes me sick
yet I cannot help to indulge

Roaming the streets of my mind,
I find you,
Rather than see how empty life is.

Such a smooth glass makes me so rough.

Claiming to have none,
yet I waste it everyday
an intangible desire
always slips away.
I hunger for the seconds
that I may close these swollen eyes,
dark with rings of consciousness,
red with stressful cries.

I beg this ticking mockery
and its spinning arms that pass
the wasted hours of my life,
so crying I may ask:

When can I shut my eyes and feel them close for real?
How am I so tired but I never feel
the satisfaction of sleeping,
of starting a new day?

Open and shut my eyes
I blink hours away,
as I wish I could collapse and make it all stop
I need to get some sleep before I drop
where I stand
like a zombie in the unreal world
where I can’t tell where a day ends
and the next starts to uncurl.

I want to write of oceans
powerful and tall
with waves of hulking blue mystery
to crash and fall
onto rough sands
only leaving behind foam to dissolve.
I want to write of lions
with thick paws
and a yawn of white blades

but all I can write about is the way your eyes fall when you think no one is looking
and the vulnerability of your head in my lap as I stroke your hair
and this deep sadness in your heart
darker than the depths of the ocean I tried to describe
lonelier than the lion after all its pack has died