I now know
If I want to feel anxiety in my whole body
Darkness in my heart
Tired in my eyes and limbs
Like putting a scar on my wrist
Just for fun
All I have to do
Is miss a dose

I want to bleed black
To be coated in ink
I want the darkness to show through
To pour out from my veins
For everyone to see

You’ll all know what’s really in me
You’ll see what it is I’m made of
What it is I’ve become
A creature of shadow
And I can’t even remember
When last I knew the light

I just want to be happy
Somehow I know it’s a futile pursuit
So maybe I should just stop trying
But I have this image in my head
A version of myself I want to become
I’m not sure I’ll find her
But I believe she is my identity
She knows the peace of oneness
Wholeness of mind, body, and soul

She’s comfortable in her body
She doesn’t try to hide
Her outfits make her smile
And when she looks in the mirror
She knows precisely who she sees

She has people around her
People who love her
She trusts each one of them
They’re a part of her
And she’s a part of them

She’s restored her relationship with the Almighty
She has confidence in her faith
And knows what she believes
Worship is natural and easy
Her spirit feels at rest

She’s lost her craving for acknowledgment
She knows what she’s worth
Her identity lives within her
Rather than in her praise
She’s no longer tormented by insecurity

She is capable.
She is powerful.
She is beautiful.

And maybe someday

She will be me.

Loneliness is a knife in my chest
It hurts and bleeds

Lol

I’m too ****** up
I’m damaged
I hurt myself
I make it worse
I’m generally ****
And there’s really too much to fix

So yeah...
I get pissy when you tell me
“Oh you’ll find someone...”
And mentioned “when you get married...”
But what if I ******* don’t
How about the reality I’m ******* facing

I’m not pretty enough to have my personality overlooked
****... c’mon I know I’m not pretty at all
I’m entirely emotionally unstable
I’m too defensive to not be a *****
(There’s too much at stake)
I have absolutely no clue how to have a relationship
I don’t know how to talk to people
I don’t know how to meet people
I don’t know how to have fun
And I basically want to die 75% of the time
And maybe I ******* should

There’s really nothing right with me

Alcohol is the embrace I lack tonight
Warming my skin
Calming my nerves
Soothing my soul
As I forget my loneliness
(Which makes itself more apparent as of late)
A little peace
For a little while
Just lull me to sleep
In your sweet, easy comfort

Anxiety ........................ High
Anti-Anxiety Meds .... Taken
Antidepressants ......... Taken
Antihistamines ........... Taken
Lights ........................... Dim
Noise Cancellation ..... On
Music ............................ Loud
Mind ............................. Anywhere else

These songs feel so familiar
These songs feel like death
I remember when I listened before
What they meant to me then
On nights covered in blood
From dozens of self-inflicted wounds
Depression a heavy fog in my head
Suicide in every thought
When my body felt foreign and strange
Nothing mattered
I just wanted it all to end....

So why... why do these songs...
They bring me comfort
I feel safe in their embrace

Perhaps I finally feel heard
I’ve acknowledged what I’ve felt
Accepted its existence
And I feel a bit more welcome
Living in my own mind

Or perhaps... it’s all happening over again