it’s been so long
since i’ve felt good
i almost think of Joy as a stranger
and you know what they say
stranger danger

i am a flower
but i grow in the dark
i am blossoming the most
when no one can see me

i enjoy my sleep’s nightmares.
i find them lovely
for they are the closest i come
to feeling like i am about to die.

disappointment reeks when i awake.

if there ever comes a day
where i am no longer my own
you don’t have to **** me
for i will already be dead and gone
if there ever comes a time
where my thoughts aren’t mine
and my manners are set standards
i will be sold away like canned dirt

beware of those monsters
that lurk in the bottom of your head
if you give them more attention
it won’t be long until you’re dead

i am so unbelievably terrified
of letting down the ones i love
that i cannot let them love me

i am a self centered
narcissistic
overweight
stupid
ugly
annoying
rude
*****.

but i can’t do anything about it
and if i try
i cry
and if i try
i die
because i know it is not me
and it’s not who i am

but when i don’t try
i make others feel worse
i tell them i’m okay
but this life is a hearse
and i’m stuck in it
my body is dead but my mind is alive
and i’m banging on the walls
but i’m too weak to break through
these emotions push and pull me in every direction

the coffin in the hearse that contains my body
is traveling over a bridge
unfortunately
the driver of the hearse went unconscious
and i cannot do anything
because if i try
i die

i won’t be alive for much longer
because of my attempt to be stronger
but the weights are tied to my feet
and this ship is ready to sink
and i am not ready to go over board
but as i plummet
head first
into the ice cold water
i look back on those who threw me in
those who wished to **** me
and smile
yes, i died.
my body was not contained though.
i died.
but, my body was not in the hearse
this is not meant to make things worse
i did die, that’s not a lie
but just let me try
to let this get by
my body was not in the hearse
it was not left to sit there forever
my vessel will sink, but my ship will sail
as soon as this is over
i won’t be in jail
i won’t be stuck in a cell
my life is a living hell
but if you don’t wish me well
if you step on me
and rip me apart
it will give me a start
to help you hurt me
to help me help you
because i don’t care about me
i am not important
but if i affect you
in any negative way
that is me
hurting myself
locking myself
in the coffin
in the hearse
with the unconscious driver
now at the bottom of the ocean
locked up
in the cell of its own misery
please don’t help me get by
it will make me feel guilty
but if you just stay with me
and pretend like my head is empty
that is okay
because you won’t be worried
and i will have no hurry
to leave the side
of those in my mind
one day for me
my mind will touch the sky
and my death will make me alive

i think the tears have run out
i think my mind has left
for now i am simply a device
that carries around my head
and tries
to survive
i,
as in the vessel i contort myself as
every single day,
will not once state
that i know
anything.
for all of us
will forever know
nothing.

of all the things i regret,
You will never be one of them.