Your name is on the tip of my tongue each moment I have an opportunity to say it
"Oh X and I were just talking about that-"
"X doesn't like that kind of food."
"That's so funny, X was saying the same thing!"
I've never liked the feeling of someone else's name on my mouth more
These are the moments when I wish the folk tales told to me as a child were true
Because if I could say your name three times and you'd appear, I would sing it like a song
Humming each time I felt myself wish you were here
I wonder if your ears burn when I laugh your name to my friends, filling the room with the anxious adoration of my energy
Does my name hold the same power?
The ability to masquerade panic as confidence, in the moments most required
Only to later melt into the world just through recalling the moment you used my name in warmth

During an experience, I feel your presence wrap it’s warm arms around me
And for a moment I am safe
For a moment you are here
Only to be dragged back to reality, kicking and screaming
There is no denying that this is how things are now
I am alone
And that doesn’t mean that I’m lonely
But it does mean I’m without you
And like a phantom limb, I am often reaching out of habit
Only to find empty space
Where your hands once were

Decisiveness is a surefire way to know that I'm upset
If you ask me a question
And I don't linger
Prepare for a later moment where I yell, cry, or am completely silent
I am decisive out of necessity
I am decisive because taking my time is a luxury and I sink into like a bath
I wrap my hands around the bubbles, make myself a hat and ask you: "How do I look?"
If I'm decisive, it's because you've hurt me
And even though I want to take off the seriousness of my desicions like jeans at the end of the day
I risk losing my momentum
I risk losing your respect
Because you don't take me seriously when I'm indecisive
Because that's when I'm most like my myself

When I kiss him
It will be gentle
There will be no signs of forced entry
The doors will be unlocked
I will come quietly
Carefully
When I kiss him
I will move slowly
My lips will occupy new space with admission
He will keep the windows open
And a warm taste will wash over us; feeling vaguely familar
As if our tongues remember the way our minds do
When I kiss him
My hands will reach for his cheeks
Anticipating small patches of stubble that he was comfortable enough to keep
The lights will be off
The morning will be soon
We will have had little sleep
And only small traces of my touch will be leftover in his delayed breathing

Sometimes I stay awake in the early mornings
Listening to the shower of sound that comes from the wind tossing through the trees
And wish that at this hour, other things kept my company
The way memories do

Of your hand on my hip, bunching my pajamas in the ball of your fist
Taking a deep breath
And finally
Moving away
With your breath still warm on my lips
Murmuring in tired song about your intentions
About our choices

"What are we going to do?"
"Nothing."

I'm going to sleep now
With your voice swirling in my mind
And your laugh speckling the silence of 2am in technicolor
This canvas of exhaustion is covered in you
And I've never been more happy
To feel so tired

I am allowed to fight for me
It doesn't make me uncompassionate
It doesn't make me selfish
It doesn't make me less than enough
It makes me strong
It makes me proud
It makes me brave
I am allowed to fight for me
Because I am worthy of being fought for
Because I need to take care of myself first and foremost
Because I deserve a hero like me