The water is cold and touches the parts of me that feel foreign
I am still pulling needles out of my hair
Bits of broken green and mud spiral into the drain in quick motions
The more I scrub at my skin, the harder it becomes to erase the damage I can't remember
For a moment I wonder how many inches of water is required to drown
When the moment is over I carefully step out of the shower
My eyes connect with the nurse, she tells me that I can wear these clothes because mine had to be thrown away
Only half an hour ago I reached to pull down my underwear to find nothing
I needed to be inspected
A black hole with a past I didn't know needed to be examined
This felt like the kind of dream where all the images are blurred and control is lost, the character moving forward doesn't resemble the one that fell asleep
I nod and begin to dress myself in an oversized hoodie and sweatpants
My sister comes to pick me up, she is in tears
I try to make a joke
To recall the person before
She doesn't laugh
I am not the same
A gravity weighs down the air, like a wolf fetching for the ****; it bites down on the neck of my spirit and draws blood
It remains there for months
And will come to claim it's full prize in a court room
Full of men defending men
With reasons that vary depending on the sport, the class, the color, the ***,
I was unconscious that night but I am awake to see the picture of you they use in the news
You are smiling
Eyes wide
You are a "good boy", a "future will be destoryed", a "made a mistake" kind of man
I am a "binge drinker", an "attention seeker", a "should of known better" kind of girl
You feel you have won
But I never finished fighting
I will declare a war
Not for you
But for the girl before
For the victims whose voice was once unsure
I hear you
And we will shout together

This is the day I realize that a person can love two people at once
And still not know how to love themself

You are a broken clock
Fixated on keeping time
Persistent on my eyes to watch
As the years go by
As I've lost my pride
You continue to lie
And now routine has become the devils alibi
Lost concepts of freedom and love
Float but do not stay in my mind
I am programmed to keep within the hours
Despite their misguidance
Despite their need to hurt and contain
Shatter and refrain
You are a broken clock
That I thought I could fix
But my hands are sore
And my heart is weary
And the time has never changed

There is a galaxy inside my body
Stars ripple at the surface of my skin
The milky way plays across my lips
I sing in constellations that will make you want to visit the parts of me that aren't so pretty
I will capture you in my black holes and darken your skies
Your eyes will only see the light as it fades

There is a galaxy inside my body
And it is unravelling
Planets begin to collide and erupt
Suns and moons are fearful of one another and in this panic will reach further and further
Until their edges can be seen in my hands
My lungs cannot contain the instability of this air

There is a galaxy inside my body
People do not travel past the gates of my ribs
Men gaze with telescopes from the ground, speculating  
But do not seek to know more than their judgements can dictate
I have visitors from time to time
But the rings of matter that circle my heart choke them out
I return them broken or estranged

I have a galaxy inside my body
And only the brave begin to understand
Because humanity is so afraid of the unknown

Your eyes are the shade of blue I will paint our kitchen
And we will sit quietly together in the minutes of the morning when breathing will feel loud
Not a word will be needed to hear the millions of things these moments will speak
We will drink dark coffee, drenched in too much cream and too much sugar because the taste is comforting    
And we will inhale every detail, to store for later when the day becomes too hard to handle  
Because these little secret rituals of ours will make it all easier,
will allow us to appreciate the seconds we have,
will remind us of the day I decided that your eyes would be the shade of blue I would paint our kitchen

My mind may be wise
But my heart is young
And what I know is so different from what I've done

Thank you for breaking me
When I was so young
For shattering my mind
As though there was nothing else to be done
For making me conceal
Open wounds that needed treating
For making me hate
That my heart was even beating
Thank you for causing so much pain
I hope you've lost more than what you've gained
Sinking your jaw into my untouched skin
Marvel at what you've made, at the beast within
Wash me in nightmares
Sink me in heartache
Burn all I have
Be my secret mistake
Thank you for causing me to wish for a gun
To see knifes as the friendly ones
For the constant lying that comes from abuse
A crafted mask I've learned to misuse
Thank you for pulling apart every bit of my soul
So the next time I love, I'll never feel whole
For morphing my hands into weak, shaking fragments
For creating a body in need of enhancement
Thank you for blowing a gap in my life
Between everyone who cares and those that want a fight
For causing every touch to be a horrendous memory
For making childhood seem like an unneeded commodity
Take a look, straight in the eyes
At what you've created
A severed soul, always dictated
I hope you're proud of the mess you made
You, a monster of a man
And I, your endured slave