Fire crackles as I take my tea
–2 creams 3 sugars
The heavy drops of summer rain
Fall to the parched earth out the window,
A symphony on aged tin roofs

I let out a contented sigh
My movement inspiring a small chitter
My furry companion curls tighter
To The the alabaster skin of my hip
At peace once more.

Trying to control what happens to you,
What others should or shouldn’t do,
Say or not say,
Be or not be,
Forces you and them into a box,
Restricts, confines, disappoints,
Batters expectations,
Suppresses spontaneity,
Pulverises possibilities,
Bludgeons synchronicities,
Annihilates joy from life.

i fell in love with a boy with dark blonde hair and the most beautiful blue green eyes ive ever seen in my life

his smile is so bright that i swear he is a star
he is the sun in my galaxy

his laugh is as warm homemade chicken noodle soup;
so comforting, so nice you could cry

maybe it's a stretch to say that i'm in love
with the way he cheers up the people around him,
taking their hands and leading them into a world
where you can feel safe and finally be yourself
instead of wearing fake masks of happiness in order to protect those around you
from the hurricane you house inside

but even years of depression later,
a simple five minutes with him makes me feel immeasurable happiness

what's his secret?

if only jealousy didn't get the best of me

i wonder why i lie in bed,
daydreaming about a boy i wish i could have
but may never have

i wonder why i can never collect the courage
to just grab his hands
or hold his face and kiss him softly

i wonder why i'm so afraid of ruining our friendship and telling him how i really feel
when i so deeply just want to be his love

i wonder what he would say
if i asked him to stay in my life forever?

I can read her lips.
Each word formed
With the red and ivory embouchures
That play to my lust.
My mouth moves in sync:
I think, she says,
The blind old perv, she continues,
Has binoculars.

I feed off the wall now
she said awesome!
your size suits the category
he smiled and said thank you.

My heart is overflowing with grief since the dark clouds that arrived from your heart have poured torrents of sorrow into my heart.

You didn't say anything before leaving. Your eyes, on the other hand, clearly communicated to me about your next move.

Tough girl isn't afraid of much
Tough girl is strong
And brave
Tough girl has mastered the art of apathy
The science of not giving a ****
She is confident
And swift
Tough girl has trained herself not to care
Walks with confidence
Keeps her head up
She is a whirlwind of resilience
Withstanding each disaster
Every hurricane
She refuses to let the world break her down
Her skin
Is a combination of metals
Her smile, a shield
Bone made of iron
She is incapable of corrosion
Her heart always guarded
She is unbreakable
Knows how to put up a fight
And win
She doesn't give in
And no matter how hard people try
To bring her down
She doesn't let them get to her
But I
Am not her
Our resemblance is uncanny
And I have the ability to pretend
To fake a sense of pride long enough to believe it
A concoction of false courage
And intimidation
But she
Is not me
Tough girl is everything I have ever tried to be
Having spent hours practicing blank stares
And learning how to walk
Like the ground below you isn't breaking
Trying to breathe like there isn't a storm building within
Resistance is a skill I have spent forever trying to build
But I am not solid
I am not tough
I am softness that wears rough around the edges
A jacket built of barriers
With barbed wire skin
All of this protection
And I somehow still manage
To frequently break open
I am not a super hero
I can barely save myself
Let alone anyone else
And as much as I wish I was
I am not tough girl
As much as we look alike
As similar as we seem
I am not she
I care too much
Think too deeply
And love too passionately
But I'm starting to realize
That maybe
It's not such a bad thing
Maybe the girl
I've been trying to be all along
Is not as put together as she seems
Those who appear fine
Are often the ones coming apart at the seams
I may not be tough girl
But I can still make believe.

Here, in this silence,
of no one around
I address absence

Turn up the tv
have a drink
flip thru channels again

check on the dogs
change where I'm sitting
scroll thru the news

if you were here
would it be
any different

I've been alone
and alone
with others

Which desperation
wishing you were gone
wishing you were here

smashes me more
I don't know
sitting in smithereens