I find you between the pages of textbooks
I see you in Christmas lights

My past and present is skewed
and I don't know if tomorrow is yesterday

I'm afraid
of how it will be when you come back

I've glorified a relationship
which at one point I deserted

Yet I have idolized our time

and when You return
what if it's still the same

or even worse what if our roles have reversed

I hope that your deep eyes and crooked smile
have not been interrupted by our intermission

and I hope you wont let me down
again
like last December

And you thrusted your last knife into my chest

As the thick red water poured out of my body

                                            I laughed

You always did love the rain

There's only so many "sorry's" I could say
At a certain point you need to decide
if what we had, is worth fighting for

I miss the hands I do not know
I cry for the love I have not yet felt
My fingers reach for hands they have yet to be intertwined with

Forever nostalgic
for feelings not yet felt

Now I sit here
under the sun

having given you my lungs

unable to scream out for help
as the waves pull me in

I lost you
because I didn't share the lust you did

And now I'm stuck in a paradox of emotions

And my best friend is no longer there

to see me through the dark

because I have an SAT math class
in an hour

and all I can think about is you

and I'm tired

and it's only 2:25 in the afternoon

and you don't love me anymore

and I want to forget

and I want to remember

E.R.

My walls are paper thin
yet I no longer hear your voice

You'll be gone,

2 hours,
your shadow will have subsided

2 minutes,
your imprint will have faded from my bed

10 seconds,
your coffee will be cold

5 seconds,
the dog will stop barking for you

2 months,
till you will be back

Forever,
until I stop missing you
    
  ER.

I selfishly professed to you
that my teenage mind
can not process the idea of Love

Yet at 4 am
laying on your chest watching it rise

I understood

Love is wanting to be apart of something bigger than yourself

that night at 5 am as the sun began to rise
I want to intertwine my hands with yours
and become one

that morning at 6 am I fell in love

It's sad to think
that you have never touched this new skin

You haven't touched
these new palms

It's sad to think
I haven't see the inside of your car
since the summer

I haven't heard
your laugh
since the sun kissed my cheeks

Sitting here
in the dark
enveloped in a physical and metaphorical storm
I can't help but feel an ironic need for your lips
your embrace

And these cape cod skies wont bring you back
And these raindrops that race down my window wont bring you back
And my sorry means as much as my love

and to you it doesn't mean as much

E.R.

I sit here
Crying and Studying

My mother cooks in the kitchen
My brother watches TV
My father is on the computer

and I'm crying

The sun sets outside my window
As it rises outside yours

I feel your hands around me as it snows
As the wave envelopes your bronzed arms

And I can't believe you're not here
And I can't believe I let you leave

I pray everyday that you aren't the one
I pray everyday that I haven't found my soul mate so soon

Because that would mean that I lost my only chance of having my other half

So please when you get back
Try to remember the
christmas lights
the swing set
and me

Gripping on to
Tomorrow
When I am unable to hold on to
Today

This house still feels shattered
no matter what day

Yet holding on
to something tangible
Makes me think you could have stayed

For today is not tomorrow
And yesterday is
not today

E.R.

Yet when all is done
when the last breath is sitting on my tongue

I hope to remember the riptide
the summer
and how I chose to save myself

I'm and addict
A condition which can not be cured

Pain
Sadness
Self Hatred
are my drugs

But,
I have no reason to be sad
no reason to feel pain

I am not dying from hunger
I am not abused

There is no abuser
Because I take on that role

I thrive in pain

E.R.

The thing is,
people change.

Every morning we awake to a new sky
Every day we are greeted by a new breeze

New.

Everyday you meet yourself again.
and again.

I met you again today.
You weren't the same.

Tall
Skinny
Lanky
Bags under your eyes.

You looked worn
not new.
Not like you've just met yourself.

You looked old
worn
dying

dead.



      ER.

Memories,
are confusing
are not kind
are fleeting.

Memories,
are painful.
I forgot your touch.
I forgot your kiss.
Your face.
Your smile.

Then I saw you.
Exchanged a knowing smile.

They all came back.
The good times.
The bad times.
The times when I thought I was completely in love.

in lust.

So when I say,
Memories are hard.

believe me.

                ER.

all of the broken dreams
the never said goodbyes
the never was friend

and you are left alone
a whole
broken person
just a piece of matter

and you are set adrift
once again trying to find the rest of you

E.R.

Help
I might be broken

Help
I might be lost

Help
I might be a dreamer

Help
I might hate myself

I'm here to help
says no one.

I'm attached to those I do not know
faces I have yet to memorize
places I have yet to experience

I long things I do not know
objects I have never had
emotions I have only read about in books

Full of faces,places, and emotions
I have never seen

a small boat
in a dried up ocean

E.R.

It scares the **** out of me
Knowing that one day you'll be a teenager
Talking back to mom,
blasting music in your room,
Lying about grades,
stressing over college.


But promise me,
promise me you'll try to be nice to mommy.
At least nicer than I was.
She really means the best.


Promise,
that you'll be a good student,
don't leave things to the last minute.
Trust me I learned it the hard way.

Please baby,
be a good person.

Our paths have crossed
but not for long

for our time has not yet come

The oceans have converged between us
and I no longer remember your voice

but I know for certain

that we will meet again
under the hanging gardens
of Babylon

I'm gone
dead.
dying.

Memories
gone
Feelings
gone
Love
gon­e
Hope
gone

I'm gone
dead.
d
   y
      i
        n
           g.

You described your love for me as scary
Something that woke up little children at night, whimpering to their mothers.

You describe my reaction to your saddest story as cold
Like a forest dead and quite in the winter

I left you alone in the cold dead forest, scared and lonely

I left you quietly in the dead of night

I send to you endless amounts of sorrys
I hope that they might come in handy in the dark

ER

7 pounds you say
is all I need to be perfect

7 pounds of love
7 pounds of intelligence
7 pounds who've comforted me when you weren't here

If you are unsure
set them free.

If you do not love
let go.

told over and over again.

I love you
do you love me?

No response
is that enough?

I am unsure
I am silly
I am young
I am dazed

Is that enough of an answer?

E.R.

Everyday since our last you have been a constant reminder of my mistakes.

Dear boy with so much ahead,
I wish you would accept my apologies and take me with you

Dear boy with tanned skin,
You took my innocence and left me in the dark

Dear boy whose stopped loving me,
I wasn't able to save you not because I didn't want to, but I wasn't done saving myself

Dear boy who found love in someone else,
I want you to come back if something goes wrong
                                                           ­                               
                                                                ­                            I'm sorry

-E.R.

Its there
it'll always be there
it's always been there

Nothing
of this magnitude
just
develops

the deep hate
the abhorrence for my breath

the saddest thing
seeing my chest rise and fall

the immense
cloud
black
smoke
fills my mind

it doesn't just develop
its always been
here.

          ER.

I feel you next to me
you are not here
Your head is placed upon my chest
my chest is empty
My hands are running through your hair
my arms hang beside me
We go back and forth; verbally dancing
An empty expression sits upon my dull face

My phone rings
**it's not you.

They say children of divorce
grow up emotionally divided

They say that a child of divorce struggles to understand love

My mother and father stopped loving each other on my 5th birthday
with Popsicle stained lips and bruised knees
I said goodbye to my father

Now 12 years later
I do not feel divided
I feel scared
I feel that love is a monster hiding in my closet
and there is no one here to tell me that monsters don't exist

E.R.

Too quick
                               s
                           e
                        p
                     o
I get my h  up

Too often
I let *myself    d
                              o
           ­                      w
                                     n
I'm done
it's over
finished.
                                              ­  Maybe
                                                   if I keep telling myself this,
                                                           ­            one day I'll believe it.

ER.

I'm done waiting
All I seem to do is wait

Wait for the sun to rise;to set
Wait for the stars to shine
Wait for my grades to improve
Wait for my depression to release its grip on me

I'm stuck in life's waiting room

I will no longer wait for the sun to rise; to set
I will no longer wait for the stars to shine
I will no longer wait for my grades to improve
I will no longer wait for my depression to release its grip on me

And I will certainly not wait for the time to be right
as it seems to never be.

Instead I will make time right

And I will force my self to understand;
that in order to find my self I must fall
and hopefully if I have done something right
and have stopped waiting for something that no longer exists

You will catch me.

I asked my Momma
How do big girls kiss?
She said she didn't know

I asked my Momma
Why do big girls wear thongs?
She said she didn't know

I told my Momma
I'm going to be the first women astronaut president
She said of course you will baby

I asked my Momma
Why do big girls fight with their Mommas?
She said because they don't know better

Do I know better I asked my Momma
Of course you do baby she said

Now I know how big girls kiss
Now I know why we wear thongs
Now I know I won't be the first women president astronaut

Now I don't ask my mother questions

I am the big girl
I am that girl who fights with her momma

Crying because a normal meal is placed in front of you.
Eat or you die.
Wanting to die
Wanting to feel deaths warm embrace.

Your body wants to live,
it wants to eat.
You want to eat but you’re terrified.
Terrified of being anything but empty.

But you need to
you need to eat.

The sun kisses your shoulders
The warm sun endlessly embraces you

I send you endless apologies
And a never ending stream of "I love you's"

I can only hope you find someone
that truly loves your freckles
and your annoying crooked smile
and the way you constantly made me question my opinions

Because at the end of the day
I am no longer there to be held by the love of my life
and I can only wish you to understand why

E.R.

My love is greater
it  is grand

My love out shines the stars;
they are terribly jealous, stars never seem to be kind

My love is deeper,
than all the oceans and seas combined

Your love,
is empty.

Your love,
is dim.

Your love does not,
out shine the stars.
Nor does it even compare to the depth of the oceans and seas.

It does not exist.

yet I want it so badly.

  ER.

I think we like the idea of love

Feverish kisses
long embraces
fingers down my spine
physical contact
emotional contact

But
no one ever tells you about the hurt
the long nights spent crying
the ache of nothingness
of knowing that you are nothing
with out them

That's all love is
an Idea
a fantasy
a fairy tale

Well there are no such things as fairy tales
no fantasy
no romance

There is not knight in shinning armor
No princess in a tower
No evil witch
No dragon

But
there is us
and you are not my knight in shinning armor
and I am not a princess in a tower
and she's not a witch
and he's not a dragon

No magic
No romance
*** does not entail an emotional connection

I'm sorry Baby
this is not
a kingdom far far away

Numbers.
Dates.
That's all people are.

Births.
Deaths.

Expiration dates.

We all expire.
different dates.

deaths incommon.

Numbers
Figures
Equations

Expiration Date.

        ER.

I'd like to think
that I am special

That I am the only one
who will make it

That I am not a statistic

Yet here I sit
procrastinating the idea of procrastination

To tired to be
anything more then a shell

Conversations
changed like tidal  waves
we entered thrilled and nervous
clenching new book bags
and praying freshman friday didn't exist

Now I enter
scared
clenching my hopes and dreams
weighing my gpa
and my options
praying I will be proven worthy of acceptance

Yet I can not shake the feeling
of not learning
who I was
who I am
or who I want to be

does my diploma fill
the absence of my growth

E.R.

I kiss you and it seems like the stars shine for us and waves crash along the musky shores for us
But then I realize, the us that once sent my stomach in a frenzy of butterflies
is not the same.
And I find my self holding on to something that does not exist.
And I cry.
My tears are an ode to a person who I've loved so long but with every fiber of my being I know,no longer exists.
People change.
Your smile has changed.

We met at the wrong time,
at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Maybe,
Years from now,
We'll meet again, in some extraordinary way.
And love with be rekindled.
And your smile will be the same.
And I won't spend time wondering if you are my way of compensating with a love deficit.

                               ER.

I left
I ran

It rained
It snowed

and I never called
never reached out for you

and when I did
it was too late

You moved on

Once a vibrant red
Now Grey


E.R.

Slipping further down
the rabbit hole


"Everything's been good, thanks for asking"

Stuck in the cement
as it starts to rain flowers

Watching them dance around me

stuck in the present
unable to
dance with the flowers

When he leaves
let him

and when he's gone
don't let your love dwindle

for no one can take away love

for all creeks empty into the ocean

When he looks at you
with his big blue eyes
filled empty horizons

and tells you he is
sorry

leave

run

and don't come back

because a year later
he will put his hands on you once more

When he tells you love isn't real

leave
run and don't look back

The great thing about love is that you fall in and out of it
The high it gives you is unbeatable,
but one is unable to live on this constant high.

This is essentially at its core why love is so magical
A person can not live on this constant high because love is not constant
It has it’s days were you feel like nothing or no one can touch you
like you can sore next to the tallest buildings,
but love also brings the greatest sadness which even wars have been started over

In a nutshell, humans are in love with love
the feeling of being encased in something which contains no boundaries,
sparks something magical.