I found my solace today
In the green grey
Of the rainy day outside.

I lost the feeling in my fingers
This early afternoon,
I lost my breath
In the steam of the ratatouille
In the shining ***
As I stirred it.

“When you’re not feeling good,
You have to treat yourself
Like a baby.
Did you eat? Did you sleep? Did you drink water?”

The problem runs deeper than that.

The problem is I still smile at strangers
Even though what’s going on inside me
Is terrifying.
The problem is,
I had to tell a very polite detective
What my high school sweetheart did to me,
And I can’t stop feeling his hands,
His mouth,
His breath,
God,
His breath.
His *****,
On my body.

But I found solace in the rain today,
I found solace in an orange tabby
On my lap,
Content to sit there
And purr.

Somehow I will conquer this.

We were all supposed
To stay young forever,
And high school was
Never supposed to end.

Every one of my belongings with me
Is damp from the mist of night.
The smell of the fire is in my hair,
Hair has a habit of holding scents
And thoughts
And hands.

My head is like the sun right now,
With planets orbiting.
Each planet it’s own worry,
The surrounding asteroid belt
Is just raindrop fears on a tin roof.

The trees were supposed to hide me.
The leaves were supposed to cradle me.

High school was never supposed to end,
We were all supposed to stay the best of friends.

If anything has become evident on this little trip,
This galavant across the countryside
It is that we aren’t one life anymore,
We are four.

I moved my bed
To the other side of my room
To help my sleep,
To help me feel
Like that wasn’t where
I was violated.

You would think that in the months
That followed
After I truly understood
What he had done to me,
I would’ve run from the bed
It happened in.

But no.

I spent most of my time there.

I quit my job,
And slipped in and out of sleep
All day, every day.
I shut down.
I spent almost all of my time
In bed,
Letting my life
Pass me by,
Because I couldn’t stand
Participating anymore.

That corner of my room
Across from where I sleep
Still haunts me.

Thinking of what happened there,
Talking
About what happened there,
Makes me want to
Burn the sheets,
And peel off my skin,
Rip off the face he kissed,
And staple my legs closed.
So that no one,
No one,
Can ever do that to me again.

Thinking about what
He did to me
Makes me feel like I have to throw up,
And perhaps that would exile
The fear in my belly,
And banish the memories.

When I was a girl,
I tried very hard
To fill this room up
With love for myself,
I painting the walls
With kind words,
I tried to turn it into
A sanctuary.

He tore down the walls
Of my boundaries,
My privacy,
My safety,
And my dignity.
He stole it from me.

I spent over a year rebuilding
And taking it back,
I was doing fine.
I want you to understand,
I was doing fine.

I bought new sheets,
And new underwear,
I moved my bed,
I got new clothes,
I got new medication,
And a new job,
And someone who loves me.

I was doing ******* fine.

And now it’s all crashing down again.
It’s fresh
All over again.

It hurts all over again,
And hurt isn’t a strong enough word.

I want you to understand
How horrible this is for me,
But I know you won’t.

You've seen these sights
Through my poetry,
My romanticized words.
Now look at them with your own eyes
Scrutinize
My rose colored glasses.

You've unwrapped my body
In all it's flawed glory,
I've let you into my very skin,
You breathe with me
As you stroke my hair.
You've seen through my words
Like a blind man
Feeling out the world.
And here we are,
Here we are,
I hope I don't disappoint you,
You see I love beauty,
And I love to describe it,
I love to skip over the ugly parts,
Until the last moment,
As a slap in the face dose of reality.

But I didn't try and talk you
Into one of my fantasy worlds
When I lay before you
In bare vulnerability.
The truth is I didn't want to.

I've made strangers
See glassy lakes,
And golden
Drying flowers,
And music in silence,
And hardship in laughter,
Yet it was you
Who loved these things,
That I wanted to see
The harsh nothing,
The vacancy
Behind my eyes.

So this is my world,
It's nothing special,
Hardly what I made it seem,
Just a central New York
Dream.
But here you are,
More beautiful than any dream,
Looking upon my reality.

Not the prettiest
Or the skinniest
Or the curviest,
Not the insane party girl with a brain,
No growing into my looks,
Or glasses to take off,
Or mini skirt to don,
No pompoms to wave,
Or dying of cancer relatable teen story,
Or whatever is in style these days.

You’re not quite the reformable ****,
Just good from the beginning.
Not the cautious nerd
Who can’t talk to girls,
Or the bad boy with a heart,
Or the secretly smart prep,
Not a lonely outcast,
Not the most popular guy in school,
Or the least,
Or whatever is aimed at insecure teens these days.

No peers to tell us
We’re from different worlds,
No exploitation of a killer illness to make us more romantic,
Neither of us can dance,
You were never my best friend’s boyfriend...

Just two people,
Not dramatic enough
For a teen movie.

Just two side characters
Who fell in love.

Yellow city lights,
Streaks of red,
Huffing and puffing
Trucks and buses,
Dripping roof,
Cold sidewalk,
Wearing my happy red shoes.

I’d like to take up the earth
In my hands,
And fold it over like fabric.
Then stitch through the grassy weave
And bring your home
Closer to me.
But though I cannot make that happen
You are only a time travel
Of two hours away.

You can measure it in
Minutes,
Songs,
Miles,
Hot beverages
And scenery,
I’ve even measured it in rain,
The space between
You and me.

Here I am,
In my small town version of a city,
Sitting on my duffel bag,
Because I’d rather shiver in the outdoors,
And you’re only a matter
Of Beatles albums away.