There are days when there's no use in fighting off the ill feelings I get when I look at humanity. Utter disgust for the lack of love in society's eyes. Some days I let it hurt and harden my heart. Consume the rot.

Other days it makes me softer. I stomp the rot like crunchy fall leaves. Some days I am spilling kindness, all smiles and hugs, child-like love and wonder like I've never witnessed the bitterness, the truth.

Today I internalize the brutality and drown in the knowledge that I am powerless. My heart is decaying like a dead dog that I hope I one day find the strength to bury.

Not black
Distract
Ignore, destroy
Face the facts
Living last
Flailing, failing fast
Turn, burn, yearn
Emptiness so vast
Empty, half full glass
Race to complacency
Staples in my stomach
Staring at ceilings
Simplicity in feeling
What demands to be felt
Doing our best with the hands we’ve been dealt

Wild-eyed, sitting frozen
Feeling trapped in the life I’ve chosen
Revolting, molting, shedding dead skin
Shaking these bones, can never relax
I’ll never win.
Chagrin, baring my sins like the crooked smiles cloaking my lies.
I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine :)
Feel like I’m sinking, thinking of dirt, worms,
The grave I keep digging
Flinching at memories I wish meant nothing
Clinging to love I’m eternally lacking, somehow missing
Piiissing myself at the thought
Blissing out like a star in the sky
Lost in my own world, omitting the why’s
and who’s that got me here
Somehow I survived my 23rd year
Unwanted writer girl, suffocated by fear
Dreaming of drowning in beer
Lost in this loneliness
Regretting everything I’ve ever held dear.

Of course you don’t understand.
You don’t have to.
This doesn’t affect you.
Burdens inside me, rarely seen or heard.
Often alone.
Writing suicide manifestos every other night
Feeling bright when I forget the weight that I carry.
Destruction behind me wherever I go.
The weight of my family’s misfortune in tow.
Blame myself, hate myself.
Never really had the ability to show what is real for me.
Difficult to please, ducking and dodging reality.
Everything to nothing.
Memories I can’t bury. No hand to hold
Maybe my purpose is just this.
Can’t change the past, only learn from it
And let it grow old.

Welcome to my headspace
Please leave your expectations at the door
Disordered psyche, impulsivity and indecision have branded me a wh*re
I want to be much then more
Humming,sighing, everything’s a bore. Screaming, crying, slumped on the floor.
Everything’s too much. Life and love are not enough.
The fist that’s beating the hope out of me is my own neurotic instability.
Insecurity, emotionally and financially draining me.
Return me to the sea where I have always belonged.
No longer defined by my wrongs,
Or the wrongs that have been done unto me.
Rather entangled with an indescribable longing
To be strong, independent, comfortable.
For the ability to know that where I am is where I belong.
Lost in breathing moments.
I exist I exist I exist

Executive dysfunction
Blurred lines, blurred vision
Sleeping in the grass
Sun set / sun rise, time passing like morning dew eases away from forested valleys' lake.
Slipping away, like sand through my fingers, drift into space.
I'm living slowly, lonely these endlessly numbered days.
Dazed, hazy, wake bake skate.
Mindful meaning
Fleeting smiles sink into me
Can we stay for a while?
Grinning beneath unlucky skin
Sinner within undercover
No lover, no friends
No pool No Pets No Cigarettes
No sleep, finding safety beneath a poet-tree
Seeking sanctity in sacred places.
Harmony is heavenly
Rise and shine! Levitate and radiate!
Never trust tomorrow, embrace whatever comes of today.