when it all goes to ****
and the chemicals don’t hit
Remember
you’ve always been the one to control your will to quit
And you’re still here
even when your life is smeared
and there’s nowhere else to steer
there’s still a move to be played
early or late
those who face themselves
aren’t ones to be betrayed

it makes sense
A tad tense from a day that don’t require two cents
Seeing from a different lense

silent dreams

trying to be lived while doing physics homework

constantly questioning whether or not I should do it

trying to build something from work ethic

but (slowly eating me away with each assignment)

i'll do it though



so I can try and fit in to let loose (within)

their appearances seem more approachable
their words are tender
their taste in music even gets better
but that doesn't define her

their thoughts are clearer

yet, they never change

(when in doubt, they'll awaken something in the subconscious that will trigger their reaction, it's too late to respond)

their mood becomes dull
in the presence of a hollow skull
with nothing to tell but show underneathe their shirts

they don't change much

in the end, they'll become what they've always been

in the dark

how do you want me to run for the light when it's within?

(help me find the noose)
(internal dialogue I will not express)

**** my ego, tactics from the monks

help me understand where my thoughts generate

from where? (can I gps myself there?)

hanging on to my life, gripping a string of hair

but I might just use my weight to rip it

if you asked me how I was
too much to discuss
change
**** I can't trust
myself until I rust
no need to rush
it comes
layers of colors you can't see
but "feel"
only to know, there's something else
beyond a thought
something to experience
underneath the tension, the ease
underneath my mentions, girls I can't please
beyond my comprehension, a girl that broke me into ******* pieces

little to know
So much to assume
(You know what happens when that goes down)
Reflecting out the hues of blue
Embodied by the mental constructs coming out my ******* tube of lubed up thoughts I chose to pursue
with nothing to lose
So much to do
With no point
But a check mark in my list of “to do’s”
thoughts of you
I wish you weren’t so cute
Drowning in brews
Walking with no clue
When I finally know
I’ll remain aware of the cues
Facing a doom
A “SELF” to understand and diminish in the fleeing moments only awareness captures
The knowing essence

nothing to lose

With a mind glued to views untrue to me and you

when every moment is ANEW

you have the people that appreciate too late
sometimes
(like me)
you have the ones that appreciate because of what they don't have
you have the ones that don't know what to do
you have the ones that wander inside their useful thoughts they don't know how to apply (but for what)

(i stole my soul back from the evil that once generated my actions)
i want my moments back

reflections to persevere

i want my mom to trust me again
but i can't seem to find bothersome in letting go of what I say
truth seems so close to me, but far from others
(because experiences are different)

i wonder if that girl I met knows her boyfriend begged me to tell her about him even though his mind is garbage

but i'm egoic for saying that, but it's the youthful truth that seduces my existence to fail universally

eating chicken, drinking water

please don't bother         (i need to make more sense)

the distance we've made
when the cards were played

with nothing to be said
and time to be paid
I can only love an option of higher grade for  the sake of me
for the sake of my ***** ******* mind
who knows of it's treacheries

how many people still waiting for me to decide whether or not I really love her or not

it only amounts to nothing
delicate to the stumbles we take
down the sewer with the rest when I fail a couple "are we still "there"? tests


in my arms
out my arms


the only person you can truly be isn't what you see in me

but what you see in everyone



I just think ******* be *****

really *****

I just be sidetracked from a temporary truth

300 mg's
(get me started with initiation)

the fire is burning within, I feel you

a little busy
homework and work
little time for the words

how can I make time when it just happens

old people coming and going in the gym I work at

(I've seen too many naked old men to not dream of them)
I don't fantasize though

i love you sabrina, sleep tight

As long as I know the day passes
wipes fog from glasses
(alone like the bone my dog used to own)

          In debt with my feelings like I haven't paid my taxes

(everything I owe doesn't need money to pay it back)

(express express express)

I told myself when I was depressed
When my effort was a little less
No quest to live for before I erode into the depths
barely breathing

I've never been blessed

around the space there’s fragility
If I break will I

come to my senses?

to seek for love is to seek for denial in the obvious of wrong times

used to share our lives and now it’s just too unsettling
Should of thought of me when I was trembling
To foresee what we didn’t know
Like we should to begin with
In the terrors of my mind I hear shrieks to add some tension

5:33
my attempt to sleep
wandering in the deep
blue see where I weep
speculation from beneath

instances to approach
heat of the moment
like fingers on a stove
until the end like I’m holding a roach
burning until it’s something I loathe



nobody completes you but it sure did “feel” that way
Ways around the mind to see through the lenses

waking up from dreams I thought I’d never wake up from
new beginnings to become
someone who overcomes the struggles instead of feeling glum
Dumb
Dude... rather skim through what’s really worth with the bottom of my thumb


(irememberthedayuleftlikeitwasyesterdayonlytodayiacceptitalitt­lemorethough)

when the dues are paid
and there’s nothing left to be said
get up and make your bed
heat up the water
you look at your phone only to say “why bother”
my mind is playing games
Eyes of people so tame
I let out my false anger on people I love
Can I envy empty space?
Give me some peace, a slice to taste
I can’t deny my hate when it doesn’t exist
it doesn’t begin
Nor does it end
Why do I deny?
your influences tickle your thoughts
it reflects in your actions
dangling keys
running from the bees
the pain is far from being at ease
expanding consciousness but I slip when the thoughts come storming
Flooding my train of thought
Demons to be fought
in an empty lot
A reason to be caught
Alone, this stream I must jot
listening to romantic music
by the girl with a voice better sounding than the acoustics
They think I’m playing but really I’m not boosting
The mood changes like a hit before I’m zooted
Unexpected
But when the heat comes know that it’s brewing
The doings of today
Forgotten in the days I couldn’t walk straight
The moments are delayed
Down as of late
Early when I bake
It just happens no heaven sake
It just happens
Like I don’t think of the girl I betrayed
Never should I have stayed
If the love was delayed
Why did I choose to stay
In a crowd
For a band
Color and sound
The waves take the pain away so late
The mind in disbelief
happy endings to seize
the one in the mirror the only one to please

it's for me

for you to read

must reflect from my words

because I desire to leave all of what I have.... to this dying world

Temporary truth
Something to hold on to
No offense to you
It’s just the unpaid dues
That leave me without a clue
What’s new?
A view oh so blue
What’s new?
Feeling old way too soon
What’s new?
Feelings I already knew about when it seems so new

Still into you
Still stuck in two

Feelings I never outgrew

he stumbled into a hurricane of thoughts

twisting his brain, making him fly away from what

(really)
                        (is)

away from truth

seduced by that dude

that I can't face

**breaks the mirror

mr
maybe used and abused//
in tune with my groove//
you came about and got me *******//
I realize the feeling so blue//
to partake in it I don’t have a clue//
something senseless, without pleasant hues//
dude//
rude//
tell my why did you come through//
and slow me down like chopped and *******//
what’s there to do//
continue the love we pretend we don’t want to pursue//
I’m just a fool, a tool//
One that you can just use//
if I hurt you, you hurt me too//
tear me from the roots//
at least know I’ll know there’s nothing to do// but overload on brews and dismiss what there is to assume//
I’m just a lonely dude//
Paying dues//
with something in mind but nothing to really do//

little hell
without you, i tremble
trying to piece myself back together like a castle with it's own mind
except i'm not worth much

and i've accepted my nothingness in this world

yes, it ends
and i won't pretend that this seems like my end as well
love letters to send
in each other we can't depend
the time was well spent

and our lives we still have to attend no matter what trends suspend what we truly are
this love can't be torn apart

positive start

end the night with a ****

this is the end
A poem to finish this off
For the memory
12:52 am
November 6
My day didn’t start so well
False dreams it seems
Sleeping in the closet
Feeling like a loser
A new beginning
Another end
No more time to spend
This time
All I can do is accept
The circumstances call for a few cries of denial
but the reason has been clear

(she was an artist)

      painted my happiness with her lips

how did you survive the hell I gave you?


       why did I in the first place?


:/ :/ :/ sjkaosjalakaj

Haha

so
Sorry.... u know

I am so proud of you

And man.... looking through boxes filled with the things you gave me

Brought me to tears.... I smiled and only knew that I only want you to be happy

(looking back I laugh at my acts that lacked a love I knew in fact)



wasn’t aware of the unconscious activity being portrayed

until the end it hits

hit me like a blitz

it’s you
the only person I’ll ever miss

but I know.... the acceptance takes time to settle

on to a generated change

one I can’t complain about

something to learn from

something to hold on to

but letting go of the idea of being together


you are not an idea

lovely manifestation

You came at me from everywhere

but I ended up taking us nowhere you wanted

The results are being lived

But I’m focused

Aware








Sabrina




I love you

haven't been inspired to write

to love is to die everyday, just a little

melt between her fingers

in her desire to see you beyond this moment

certainty in her eyes

i will hold you until my hands fall off

My heart can be broken
Sew it up like if it was woven
Please?
Another girl for the ***** work
Another one I'm losing faith in
Another one to forget
Another one to hope for the best
Another lesson to learn to accept
I feel as if we we're not going to last
It all ends in a laugh

a bed awaiting my death
remembering moments better left unthought
if it’s for the better, i won't call to say I love you
growing fond of letting go
it's so easy it hurts
without opening my third
it simply has been
the wine consumed
makes it easier to accept my doom
go your way
mine has been betrayed
broken promises
the moments pass
the liquor is still being consumed
the end
is all we live for
every moment flashes
it flashes
it flashes
the run
towards a light unseen
a darkness so keen

Laid up beneath my eyes
Knots that can’t be untied
**** ups that make us wise
I lose and I win, it’s implied in the balance I used to deny
It’s written in ink
A past to revise
A moment to edit
So that intention is justified

My essence in disguise
Some efforts to stabilize
Nothing to really symbolize
Abiding the opposite of a lie

A simple truth I cannot tell
An idea I cannot sell

To simply be
Awareness can swell

am i triggered?
or do i respond?

i...



    dunno

where do i go/
what do I know/
tension sizzles, even in the snow/
bottom of the pit/
I express it with the synths/
or in writtens that I think/
(I'll leave when I finish my ******* drink)/
I cant talk to you so I write it down in ink/
(is this really all in sync, my perception of reality down the sink)/
some conceptions I can't link/
(out and about, my gar do carry stink)/
the music keeps playing/
In a loop where the soul seems to be decaying/
my way out is said without saying/
bathing in the what if’s I forgot to regret/
in the end, no time to sever/
all in one, an experience at my favor/
live and learn, apply my mind after the awareness lessens the subtle trouble deep within what makes my soul quaver/
my dear, all that may be clear, may appear to be something sincere/
(no fear, the impact is severe, it’s ok to be a little queer)

when the evening dies
between morning and night
looking at the sky with no light
millions of colors in the dark sky
my vision creates fractals in the dark sky

(the story of today is written when my thoughts are away)

(my boldness is just me trying to portray what I couldn't say)

i have things to do

i have things to observe
i have things to listen to
i have drinks to pour, dinners to eat
**** to grind
coffee to brew

when my time is due, know that i'm coming for you
sweet girl
i'll be coming for you

with so much pain to condense//
burning your heart like incense//
waiting for love to make sense//
but you're stuck between (your thoughts that don't prevail)//
my hell is your hell//
and we die because we will not dwell

Can’t rely on what I was

To you
To them

When you become aware of tendencies you have
The research can make you doubtful of who you really are
But these are just obstacles
Periods
I know now

I want to thank Sabrina for making me realize it
Endless proof that I was a narcissist, atleast for that period in my life

It’s over
It all has to end
I can only say sorry

tell me if loving you isn't a crime



so I can stop comparing it to the beaten faces I dream about

the craving of ending someone's life


before someone really loses their right to live

so we can love beyond what we live for

imagination is water that breaks a plastic container


(dream about the impossible)

flying by busy school weeks
periods of stress
overthinking my time to make things
just sit and do
nothing else
my phone rings for plans but I'm here
typing **** up
learning chords
a vision that never gets bored

too many use of drugs i just want to see you girl
every second i gasp for your energy
breathing through my misery to catch some of your insight
melting with the thought of us together
how can i disconnect from what i truly need?
no kind of practice can enlighten the animal within
in the void i just capture myself in states of awe, my ego swells
amazement in my self, i need to stop that man
can't handle too much of me, i guess that's why there's a trinity
don't need that kind of comfort i'm one with fear and awkwardness
one with the insecurities that used to penetrate in my day to day
one with the negativity that used to hold me back
but i had to learn to push myself beyond my "self"
every single kiss i see through my mirror girl
every single glance my mind stop and spins around a pole that last's forever in rotation
trying to find the end but you left me with nothing but beginnings girl
a new approach i see myself going after the gun blow
everytime i see you, we're in the midst of blow
but why cry? i love you

we were in the city,
serving our prayers to the nobody that exists, loving with every centimeter of our bodies
embodying the reality that this love, is true
for I grow day by day, my love for you bypasses morals

Own up to what’s been

Forgive the sins that made the day a dim place in the distance

Princess to a reference, I just play with what could be

Persevere through the steers

Find beauty in the tears

Time passes and all that matters is here

Eyes pealed
Lips sealed
Disregarding my feels
What’s really real?
In the moment I heal

Finally

But whatever.... endeavors flowing out the river

Understood the way I was

Narcissistic

Reading on how to be “that” guy

To realize something that was detrimental to my relationships

My ******* tendencies

To realize you’ve only seen glimpses of me.... pardon my “self”

get what you can take,
but think before you do
for consequence follows behind every choice
get what you can take
from walking
to talking
the most from all, from the seconds that don't matter
(when i'm deep in some ****, i think about this)

but some thoughts just overcome the "smarter" ones

and regret follows behind the action

compiled thoughts of past events

only to remember the lessons I should reflect from

(some worthy memories I dismiss on purpose)
(the trigger isn't worth being pulled)

There is no hope in the “fixations”
This moment is eternal
The “problems” vanish when there is no future or past
The filter limits my mind
How many ways are there to get to the other side of the madness derived from perceptions

When I don’t care
Would it be fair?


My eyes can’t be everywhere
Neither can my mind

Here and aware
Not there
No control
Beyond the lenses that filter

The nonexistent past and future bother my mind sometimes

to come...

prairies with kisses as flowers

immersed with beauty and intelligence I can't attend

(walking down my mind with a knife)

inflicted my pain with nothing to gain but rope marks that expressed my veins all sides of my neck


(nothing to think in my gym this morning)

in my mind is a clock that ticks beyond the conception of time

(letting go of possessions) to regain my worth that was once worth about
   one



dime..

where's the indicator?
where is it shown?

(the will to write is lessenening)

hugging what is seen
throwing up what's beyond there

a walk to my car
eternity somewhere else
my leg is hurt
i can't go to the gym
my pax is being reloaded
some pounds are being added

tonight i seek my vengeance
the little things that makes me "feel" like a hero
i shouldn't restrict this type of writing
this is meditation
this is clearing
and being comfortable with what's inside

end the streak
beat the beat
no hide and seek
just face the fear and greet

away, last night
in the deep blue of serendipity
trying to find
divine light beyond my fright in spite of the terrors in my mind
pursuing my way out the blue
questioning my faith because I never had a clue
swept my shoes away and through the hues of modern sadness
depicting expression with color
red and blue, we only have each other
looking in the mirror
(find my way out of my eyes)
outside with nothing to view
in the zoo with no one but you, wild when it's only us two
find you on my lap when I'm sitting obtuse
gassed up like if I was a Jew

you can take all, but not my will to experience my will to live

it's the little things that are a big deal, in this world

status
money
drugs

make up this certain perception that makes me want to off myself