lost in mysterious shades
no aid to what I have played
(myself)
falling into an illusion
the pursuit of love
there's no need to desire if it's all around
yet, I'm alone in bed wanting to hold someone to sleep
the memories are deep
I question what I truly seek
practicing everyday to communicate feelings
art is the result
expression through mediums
I've always known.. this is what I would do
there's no room for people like me, so I'll remain in solitude
(i have so many new posters to hang up)
my week has been weird, I sleep a lot these days... it's not that I want to... I wake up and lay... think... long for her...
my eyes slowly begin to close until...
IT'S ******* 1 PM AND I THINK TO MYSELF... I COULD'VE BEEN DOING ****...
(I reason with myself..."you do work from 10 to 3am...every night of the week)
I'm not used to my schedule
growing up after college kind of *****... where I want to be will take some work
(mostly financially)
a stable job... my own place... solitude... good ****...
soon.. I hope
I've been doing my best to overcome yesterdays "self"
even though I know ultimately there is no "self"
little day by day accomplishments drives the human
let me be human with inconsistent reasoning and carelessnes... I'll learn from it
... and also be nothing.. at the same time?
isn't it all the same
anyway, it's 4:39 am and I always wonder why I'm so drawn to specifying the time in some of my poems
it's not that deep... I promise
maybe I should be the first person to introduce cubist poetry??
could that be a thing??
just write about different times in my life in a "poetic manner" and jumping to when I was 10 years old busting my first nut
the internet was weird for me those days
soccer compilation vids of my idols and ****
(writer later on becomes a monster and commits suicide)
(in my dreams)
anyway
these days... I feel alive, I was talking to this girl but I know... it won't work
time requires some entertainment and I'm just... a ******* when it comes to feeling something for someone other than who I'd want to... start a family with...
I know right
those hopes have evaporated into nothingness and I'm here... I'm capable
different people make me realize different things about myself
that's why I choose to expose myself... their way of being changes when I let them know... it's okay to be, no pressure
no ego
we're just a **** load of atoms... communicating
(I don't want to believe in anything)
I want to learn so many instruments
stringed
percussion
****
I'm on a good track.... I believe
I wan't to write my parents symphonies
and the girl I miss...
I always comeback to that
thinking about what to type
live for my wrongs to make them right
go through the dark to get to the light
fear no repercussions, out of perspective sight
I feel like I've gone off track
it's been a long day
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
I might go get some kolaches later... my spot opens in 4 minutes
should.. I leave now???
mm.... I'll give it 30 minutes
after I post this I may lay down and fall asleep though
I never have the desire to eat in the morning
gives me more time to plan what I'm going to stuff my face in later on
intermittent fasting bro
I hear you can sell your art via crypto currency...I've also made research about how it's bad for the environment???
weird... but I want to give the future generations more time to solve modern day dilemmas... like that ****
it'd be dumb if I fell asleep mid sentence and my computer died... I'm actually pretty tired... I closed my eyes for 10 seconds and thought 30 minutes had gone by... I'm... hungry though (lol)
I think I will go out for those kolaches after ******* all (as my eyes close slowly)
I'm here... awake...listening to Polyphia
getting hype
this solo
how the ****??
my days are numbered
so are yours
we will all vanish... every word people say about us after we're gone means nothing but will be missed somehow
I'm going to end it here
the poem
hahaha
I have... a lot to live for
finally

here with nothing to think
trying to express what's worth being said
i'm sitting here
the bottle is empty
typing is tricky
if it's not happening around me, should i care?
the solo will go on
the beat will move
move forward
lessons to reevaluate
something seems off though
my schedule is on point
hours doing what I love
months not seeing who I love
months not talking who I adore
should i even think anymore
when it all ties back to her essence
she's moved on
perhaps i'm stuck
im... not
feelings are limited
there's more
david
there's more
trust me
there's more to inhale
think less about a past that doesn't exist
everything is straight forward
we just make it sound pretty
language
the ability to communicate in a unique manner
we don't all communicate the same way
there's easier ways to say things, **** just sounds prettier
auditory elegance
what am i doing??
bored tonight
it's valentines
does it even matter
idk?!
this morning it did
tonight feels like any other
missing you right now
but i dont think about you all the time
i'm confused
do I truly love you?
and if i did
why dont you?

long night longing
what was, again
new beginnings
again
the train had stopped
got off to ponder in past obsessions
didn't know if they were healthy or not
but I dont think any of them are
a journey of steps impossible to take back
new loves with no special spark
i tend to think i've felt it all
that's what you made it seem like
how we created our past with nothing new to witness
at least that's how it seems
messages evaporated into thin ******* air
meaning nothing but everything to me
another night
longing for chances I can't even see anymore
longing for moments i'll never feel again
gone
gone
gone
like the wind that passes
old photos
still moments
i can't remember them all but i was grateful
filled with joy, nothing to regret
moments i can't seem to remember but will never forget
thank you
for caring for me
"me"
if there ever was one
an illusion to fall for
false hopes all along
because they should've never existed
i should've never hoped either
let me tell you the time
4:42 am
my eyes are droopy
my body
restless
thinking about this poem
more and more to express about someting that has died
an effect i can't ignore
something to remember
everything was once okay
and although, ultimately
everything still is
it would be better with you, by my side
darling
always
thinking about you behind emotion filled moments

Skewed vision when I followed the cynosure//
Beam balancing
Can’t hold my own sometimes//
Made up characters to separate my thoughts from “myself”//
Split my cares in eights//
Off with the indecision//
Fall asleep as soon as the tears hit the pillow//
Head up, delusional//
Unparagoned//
So I think
Perception shields the egomaniac residing in me//
I make it seem as if so, but really with my intentions, I’ll never know how things will play out//
Misterpretating will be my end//
With no one to truly seek, I play with the inconsistencies.... so what about guilt?//
My character doesn’t mind the idiosyncrasies I portray... I do it for the show
Merging with the relentless and the glorious
It ***** to be Sweet, bittersweet//

Waking up in valorous conduct/
aware of my impetuous commitments/
I long for awakenings when my eyes seem to be open/
Misinterpreting a reality I can’t untangle/
Trying to bring about the moments that brought me most happiness by force/
Valiant to go against my deepest rejections/
Alone in the moments we belong together in/
To think my art was stymied by your love/
Selfish me, couldn’t see it took a selfless “Sweet” to redeem our forever ever after/
         (Interruptions from the tip of my ego)
(Getting the best of my fragility, I’m not tough)
In shambles after processing what once was, actually was/
Questioning the will my mental grip strength had during changes I never wanted to face/
Your love, like pummeling fists dodged my ignorance/
Careless and regretful, the silence is filled with what “was”/
Ashamed, but perhaps a benison in development.... through the pain/