I was a bad person.
Before I met You.
Please, don't leave me.

You're the trees dancing softly in the wind.
You're the vibrating string making sound such calming, making me want to drown.
You're the smell of new sheets after a rainy night.
You're my bookstand I'll always reach to.
You're the river of words wrote down carefully on brown paper I'll always look for escape in.
And you're just making me smile.
I love you.

The rain gently taps the window sill
and I’m lost in my thoughts.
I’m half awake waiting for the storm to come.
For the storm to come and clean up my mind.
I wanna breathe fresh air again.

5:14 am. Window sill. Sun is rising to light a new day.
Last cigarette. Coffee cup. I’m lost and alone.

I don’t sleep at all and the lack of the sun is just killing me.
And I can clearly say: I’m not happy. And I don’t blame myself.
I just have to learn how to trust.
I realize that nothing’s gonna change in a while.
And I have no idea how I’m gonna handle it.
And that aridity is just killing me.
I have that feeling that you weren’t here for a long time.
Actually I feel like I’ve never met you.
It shouldn’t be that way but you gave me no choice.
I have to learn how to be indifferent.

Nights are getting cold, the shadows are so much darker.
I find silence so much louder than it really is.
I’m growing old, life is floating out of me.
And I feel so alone.
Dear friends, my friends forever!
Why are you out there, digging your graves with lies?
And no one’s here to care, no one’s here to notice.
My lungs collapsing from the false that hangs in the air.
My heart filled with emptiness.
And blood in my veins poisoned by disappointments of my entire life.
Because nothing stays the same and nothing lasts forever.
And maybe I wish leafs could fall backwards.
Maybe I wish things happened twice.
But what would it change?
Dear friends, my useless friends…
You’ve lost your chance.
Don’t feed me with sadness anymore.

Maybe I’m young but I’m not careless at all.
So many thoughts I can’t put in words.
So many feelings at once.
Happiness, nostalgy, fear, gratefulness for who I am
and so many more I just can’t, I can’t name.
All these words seem to be so ordinary
but in my head every of them looks so big.
I know, the time when everything starts will come.
I want to discover my life.
I’ll never stop trying to define who I am.
True life is that one you live your dreams.
Without the dreams, without self-esteem, without the purpose,
without trying to understand myself I’m nothing.
Because what’s the point of vanity?
The world of dreams is the real world.
Nostalgy is beauty.
Being yourself is possibility to be who you want to be.
And all I want to be is a good person.
And all I want to do is doing whatever makes me happy.
And whatever makes me feel alive.
I want to live, not just exist.
Standing tough on the ground but still living in a dream.
This is my world. This is my life.

Quick look out the window. It’s not the same.
I wish the grass was greener. It’s just not good enough.
I’m not good enough.
We used to love, we used to hate, we used to feel.
Now we’re filled with emptiness.
And I miss the days when air was thick and thoughts were fleeting.
I miss the smell of petrol and wet wood.
The sun hurts my eyes and I’m thinking: why it has to be this way?
I could be better of that. I could be what I once was.
I know you didn’t have to go. I’ve always known but I was okay with that.
I’m just never on the first place. But at least I try…
I need a purpose. I have to do something for myself.
Walking around watching leafs fall down isn’t a thing to do.
I wanna go back there, feel that excitement again.
I know something will move. I can change.
And when you’ll ask me to come back I’ll refuse.
You’re just not a person to waste time on.
You have burned me, now I’ll watch you burn.
Just give me my old photos back so I can throw them out myself,
So I can move on.
Let’s just go back there and smell the petrol and wet wood.
Let’s go back there and love, and hate, and feel…
And let our thoughts be light and fleeting…
Let’s just levitate for a while.