Ever been so tired that you just don't want to breath?
Ever been so lonely that you want to scream?
Ever been so frustrated that you just don't want to eat?
Ever been so miserable that you make yourself bleed?

I can still see you,
Whispering black, wisps of night even in the light.
I can still hear you,
Cascading thoughts, memories not mine but define.
I can still feel you,
Tears streaming down, mirror my face yours in place.
I can still call you,
Conversing aloud, we ride together always forever.

Mother, I say.
I'm alive one more day.
Daughter, you say.
I'm still here so just stay.

How long will you ride with me?
And why was it destiny?
These questions just burden me,
But it's my indemnity.

Musical chairs... Russian Roulette... Who's next?
I can feel it.
I've got to say something about this.
This is metaphorical
And those who understand what I mean will know.
The chairs change
And when the music stops, the chamber spins
And when the chamber stops, the hammer comes down
And if the chamber is empty, there's another round.
But if not, then whatever was loaded will come to be.
I'm not scared, but somehow, I feel like the chair is me.

We shall go and ride into the snow,
We shall see the rivers flow, they flow thru me!
Take a candle my love,
Take an ax my love,
We shall burn our way thru hearts and chop away above.
Take your coat my dear,
If you intend to get in here...
You see you're not the only one who can't find me.

We shall float downstream in a boat,
We shall charm the Cobra with deceit.
We can try to take the Dragon's gold,
Or we can steal the Cats from our feet.
Take a candle my dear,
You might burn your way in here,
But I doubt the fire will get thru the stone...
Take that ax my child, but you just might drive me wild,
The blood and steel won't let me feel alone...

Many thousands of years it seems,
Has led me not to believe in dreams.
So if you will excuse me now,
I must let Them know somehow,
That They can't get to the stitching from the seam.

Take your coat my love,
But you shouldn't expect too much...
You see you're not the only one who tried to get inside.
Take that ax my dear,
And plant it here.
I know you will be happy to see me gone-
In the long run.
And promise me,
That you will sit,
By
The
Sea...

Today I feel twelve.
Awkward and unsure, fearful and excited;
Every moment's allure is somehow uninvited.
I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be there.
In search of my ideal self.

Today I feel twenty.
Missing my old friends, traveling to new places;
Old familiarity ends where new ambiguity replaces.
In search of great distraction, finding meager satisfaction.
One in a crowd of plenty.

Today I feel thirty-three.
Just a career minded manic with a clutch full of mini mes.
Where time lost causes panic and everyone little hates peas.
Problem paychecks, pets and pals; Forbidden love ends in broken vows.
I offer no apology.

Today I am forty.
Monotony and misogyny have worn my grain to grit.
An apathetic monopoly on a board game made of sh*t.
Unforgiving past mistakes stealing peace which present makes.
I will be free.

And when I asked
Do you want to be in a relationship with the nice me?
You said nothing.

You kept telling me to stop
With every vehement breath I drew

In the beginning, flowers and kisses
He promises marriage, love and plenty of ***
He gets a job, gives her money and attention
He's always there for her, always calling, always smiling

He loves her children although they're not his
He takes her places and buys her things
He helps with the laundry, the car and the food
He doesn't venture far from home unless she's with him

In the beginning, she cares how she looks
She doesn't want marriage but to live like a couple
She appreciates flowers but wishes he'd left them to live
She loves the way he smiles, smells and teases

She enjoys going on adventures with him
She takes pride in keeping up with the chores
She thinks they will make it together to happily ever after
She believes that for once, she's finally found the one

In the end he discovers he wasn't ready
In the end he realizes he just loves her as a friend
In the end he doesn't make good on his promises
In the end they never have ***

In the end she stops caring about her looks
In the end she doesn't even want to cook
In the end her computer keeps her company
In the end she's still so lonely