if i said you were just another boy,
id be mistaken.
ive made countless pieces of art just trying to portray my sad teenage feelings about you.

ive written many poems.
ive written 4 songs.
and i made a whole piece of abstract art for you.

ive done those all because i had too.

or, so it felt like.

if i dont get my feelings about you out the moment i feel them,
i feel hopeless.
im reminded this is most likely a one-way love.

if i dont get my feelings about you out the moment i feel them,
i feel despair.
im reminded im a chaotic person who doesnt deserve your soul.

i sound dramatic,
i know.

i havent gone for you yet because im scared.

honestly.
..
im scared because youre not just another boy.

the other boys dont talk to me,
the other boys dont look at me,
the other boys dont listen to me,
the other boys dont make me laugh,
not the way you do.

youre not just another boy to me,
youre the only one i want.

Its the time that everyone loves.

..

however,
im reminded of a less beautiful feeling

rather than roses and letters,
i sit alone and watch all the pretty girls get their beautiful flowers and beautiful letters.

..

jealousy?
i dont know..

more than jealousy?
i dont know..

whatever it is,
i need to get over it.
its not my choice,
it never was.

tell me, truthfully,
did you really even care?
say it with your chest.

..

it felt like you were never there.

tell me, truthfully,
did you ever really hear me?
my weeping and self-doubt..
i know you never paid a thought.

i cried over you.

i exhausted myself for you.

i contemplated everything.

..

but i did it for you..

maybe it was me,
******* up and wrecking things.
i know i was broken,
i still am,
but you never tried to fix me.

im so sorry,
you probably didnt even care,
why should you have?

it was my fault all along.

My tired eyes,
a mix of grey and blue,
theyve grown so tired of all the lies.

oh if only you knew,
oh if only you saw.

saw the damage youve done to me,
you make it seem like i must follow your every law.
if i dont, youll just leave me alone.
youll just leave me be.

you say you love me,
tell me,
what does love even mean to you?

realizing that i'm not the kind of person
that has people,
i'm the person that people have.
i'm not meant to be loved,
im meant to love.
i'm not meant to be supported,
im meant to be supportive.
Im not meant to be anything more
than the person who's there
when other people need them.
i'm the person who people only reach out to when they need someone
I'm convenient.

Dear [boy I wish I could send this to],

There are a hundred things I could say, and I’ve started them all in my head a thousand times.
Sometimes I think I’ll actually say them out loud.
And sometimes I just hope you’ll read between the lines of everything I don’t say.

But here’s the thing:
you make it impossible not to feel something.
Something slow, something wild, something like watching the stars blink to life when you didn’t even realize the sky was dark.
It’s quiet and loud all at once, like you.

I notice things.
Like how you talk when you’re passionate about something.
How your voice softens when you’re being kind.
How you never put me in the spotlight, but still manage to make me feel like I’m seen.
You don’t even know how rare that is.

I don’t want to scare you.
I’m not asking for anything big or dramatic.
I just want a moment.
A moment where I can be honest, where I can say:
I really love you.
More than I meant to. More than I can make jokes about.
Enough that I write about you, dream about you,
and hope maybe—someday—you’ll feel even a fraction of this about me.

But for now, I’ll keep this letter here.
Unsent. Unspoken.
Just… felt.

Love,
[a broken girl]