I WASN'T THE ONE WHO CHANGED
I WASN'T THE ONE WHO BECAME AN ADDICT
I WASN'T THE ONE WHO TALKED DIFFERENT, WALKED DIFFERENT, LOOKED DIFFERENT, FELT DIFFERENT
I WASN'T THE ONE WHO ****** THIS RELATIONSHIP SO HARD THAT IT BROKE INTO A THOUSAND PIECES
BUT I HOPE WHEN YOU'RE WALKING ALL OVER IT YOUR FEET GET TORN TO SHREDS
I WASN'T THE ONE WHO ****** WITH MY MIND SO BADLY IT MELTED INTO A COLD BLACK MESS
BUT I HOPE WHEN YOU TALK **** ABOUT HOW MENTALLY ****** UP I WAS THAT YOU BREATHE IN COLD AIR WITH EVERY WORD
I WASN'T THE ONE ****** UP MY EMOTIONS SO THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPINESS IS
BUT I HOPE WHEN YOU SEE JUST THAT EMITTING FROM MY BODY, EVERY PART OF YOU DIES INSIDE
I KNOW I'M A MESS RIGHT NOW AND YOU THINK I'LL COME BEGGING ON MY HANDS AND KNEES FOR YOUR LOVE AGAIN
BUT I HOPE WHEN YOU SEE THAT I CAN SMILE
WHEN YOU SEE THAT I CAN LAUGH
WHEN YOU SEE THAT I NOW SPARKLE BECAUSE I AM HAPPY
WHEN YOU SEE THAT I AM OKAY
I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO ******* LEFT AND I AM GOING RIGHT

Can't you see the look in her eyes
Can't you tell that she is broken and beat
Can't you see that her beautiful, ocean blue eyes show that she is dead inside
The blue is fading because her soul is leaving
The bags under her eyes tell stories of long days and terrible nights
The red veins that swim through them shows you exactly how drunk she is because alcohol is the only thing that she can feel
You refuse to make eye contact with her because her eyes show you things that she physically can't
Her eyes make up for the marks on her body. They make up for the rasp in her voice when she screams at night for you to save her.
Why won't you save her
Why aren't you holding her
Why aren't you screaming you love her
Why are you just standing there like you didn't ******* cause this
She is rotting from the inside out because she fills herself with drugs, and *****, and pills, and tells her self everything will be okay but in reality nothing is okay and nothing will ever be okay
The only thing keeping her alive is the hope that you'll come back
But you're not coming back
You don't have the ******* decency to tell this poor soul that you have moved on
You're putting false hope into her and and she eats it like a ******* slave. She worships you. She loves you. She gave you everything and then some. You left with all of that. And I know that you will have one night stands on drunken nights, and maybe even a relationship if you're stable, but I know that all you'll see is her eyes. Her eyes will haunt you in your dreams and the faces of other  woman. Her eyes.

I used to think when you kissed me, you were healing me. I now realize that you were just filling my throat with poison. I now realize that with every touch from your ever so soft finger tips, you were tearing my skin away from me. You were bruising my body like it was nothing but the head of a nail and you were the hammer. You were making my brain melt inside my mind because your words were so harsh, yet so gentle how could I not love you. How did I not see that your eyes, your beautiful, radiant, green eyes, were nothing but black holes that ****** every part of reality from my mind. I was manipulated. I was hurt. I was dying because when you left, you took every ounce of hope and happiness that I had left. You are a thief. You are a liar. I am alive. I don't know how I did it, but I pulled through, and I am so much stronger now. I see the beauty in everyone that I thought you took away from me. I can smile and laugh now, the qualities I have that I thought you stole in my sleep. I am happy. The one thing I never thought I'd be and you are suffering. I wish you good luck through this mess you've put yourself in, because I cleaned mine up, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

It wasn't always like this. I wasn't always like this. I was happy. But it's been so long since I felt the warmth of that feeling, I no longer allow it for myself. I'm so use to the cold empty feeling of sadness that I don't need jackets. I don't need scarfs or sweaters or blankets or the touch of another human being because I've made peace with this monster. This disease. This virus that stomps around in my head and flows through my veins and fills my lungs. This thing is now a friend and I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it's never leaving. It has built a home inside me and refuses to leave. It grows every time I try to smile or laugh. It pushes the happiness out of me like that is the real disease. I don't know how to stop it from talking to me. During the day it whispers to me. During the night it screams. It screams so loud it's voice echoes and multiplies. It tells me stories of death and how beautiful he is. How soft and caring he is. How painless he is. How gentle he is. It tells me how death enters quietly so not to wake you in your sleep. How death slowly approaches you and softly caresses your hair out of your face. How death, with every touch, slowly strips every piece of life out of you. How death takes your hand and pulls the soul out of your dying, decaying, lifeless body. How death lovingly and carefully kisses your now ghostly lips and tells you everything is going to be okay. But I've always wondered, if death were to visit me, would he shiver when he touched me because I've been so cold for so long. Wouldn't that be something. If I could make death, the iciest thing you can imagine, feel cold for the first time. I wonder if he would weep when he saw everything in my mind. Wouldn't that be something. If I could make death cry. Would he feel remorse. Would he try and fix me rather than **** me. I dream of life after death. I think of how warm I'd feel. How soft the grass would be under my feet. How my jaw would ache from finally being able to smile. How my eyes would be blinded from finally seeing beauty. Wouldn't it be something if this sadness introduced me to death and finally gave me a life I have never lived.

And then we fell asleep intertwined with each other
It felt so good to have somebody close to me like that
But see I don't want to please someone else
I want to be pleased
I want nights like that all the time
Where I can wake up from a nightmare and feel the warmth of another person next to me and tell myself that I'm okay
At least for now
That's why I don't let people leave
That's why I latch on so tight
If they leave then everything comes back
All the voices and the walls and the crying and the nights where I literally fear for my life They leave and they take all the happiness and love I gave them
So my body is empty and all the monsters and demons and bad memories come back and they never leave
They won't ever leave until I can find another person to give me that feeling
That's what's wrong with me

I will forever have the marks of your finger tips from when you held me that night I cried so hard my eyes burned, just like how I will forever have the marks on my wrists and thighs from when I tried to make myself feel something that night you left.
I will forever have the taste of your lips from when you kissed me so hard that night I told you I needed you, just like how I will forever have the taste of ***** in my mouth from when I panicked so badly that night you told me we were over.
I will forever have the imprint of your eyes from when you looked at me for so long that night I couldn't sleep, just like how I will forever have the imprint of my mother crying from when she found me half dead that night you told me you didn't love me.
I will never feel happiness. I will never see beauty. I will never get rid of these memories. You will forever be branded into my dreams, and I will have nothing but nightmares.
I will always feel nothing. I will always see the ugly in everything. I will never get rid of the thoughts at night of death and how easy he is.
I am broken. I am bruised. I am empty, and I am cold. I will never feel warmth. I will never feel or see anything I did when I was with you. You are gone, and you took every part of me when you left. I no longer feel my heart beat. I often find myself holding my breath, and I never realize until I'm choking on the words I can never say to you because you won't let me. I am dead. I am nothing but a lifeless skeleton covered in the skin you held ever so gently. I will never forget the way your hands felt when you would rub my back on stressful days. I will never forget the way your voice would crack when you tried to sing to me on nights I wouldn't sleep. I will never forget the way you undressed me when you wanted to feel me. All I ever wanted was to feel you. How soft and kind your skin felt against mine. But I can never feel that again, and now all I want is to feel the comfort of death carrying me away to a world I've only ever seen in my dreams. All I want is to forget everything you burned into me. You are the blood that rushes in my veins and I think that's why I cut myself. To release you. But it never seems to work because you are always there. You will always be there.