John. I haven't read one letter since you left. I'm scared to open an envelope and see the same note you left before you let your dreams, goals, days all hang from a rope. To be honest I don't know what it was that you needed to hear, what words could've saved your life. But I can say that old coffee shop feels emptier. My room feels colder. My eyes look darker. I don't smile at seasons changing anymore. I've been avoiding all mirrors because I can't bare to see myself without you.
    You were the best person I've ever met. It almost seemed unfair that I let such a perfect person be with a broken mess like me. You were so funny and the way your eyes lit up when you told a story...Oh God. I'm not religious but when you looked at me that way I thought we were both going to hell. Your laugh was all I needed to make a bad day better, oh what I would do to make you laugh.
   I know you hated long car rides and you knew I hated distance. Who knew 6 feet could feel longer than 100,000 miles.? Because now you're resting underground and I don't sleep without sleeping pills. I miss you so much. I miss you. I miss you.

Good morning. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy wherever you are. If heaven is real I know you're there. I'm sorry, my love, I'm so sorry.

I miss you, there is no denying it.
without your grace I feel unfit.
You glow like a shining star,
Giving hope to this broken heart.

All I know is that when it was cold you hug me from behind so your arms and your blanket wrapped around me. I know that you smile that crooked smile that makes my heart melt. I know the day I saw you cry was like every star stopped shining and the world turned colder. I know loving you was like seeing the world for the first time. I know you made me see the sun where there used to be rain clouds. I know you made me see the beauty between seasons. I know you made me realize that home isn't a building or an address. Home is any time you're laughing.  I know you have always been smarter than me but always loved hearing my perspective. I know I'm not the best but I love you more than my bones can handle.

I WANT YOU BACK SO BAD. YOU ARE MILES AND MILES AWAY AND MY HOUSE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE HOME ANYMORE. THE ONLY HOME I REALLY KNEW WAS IN YOUR ARMS AND ANYWHERE ELSE I JUST FEEL INCOMPLETE. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THOSE ABANDONED HOUSES UNTIL I BECAME ONE. I HOPE YOU KNOW I WAKE UP CRYING FROM NIGHTMARES EVERY NIGHT AND IT ONLY REMINDS ME THAT THIS BED IS A LITTLE COLDER AT NIGHT. AND I CANT SMELL YOUR COLOGNE ON MY SHEETS ANYMORE. AND YOUR SWEATER IS MY ONLY PIECE OF YOU THAT I HAVE AND I GOT A COFFEE STAIN ON THE SLEEVE AND I HOPE YOU AREN'T MAD. I MISS YOU SO SO MUCH MY LOVE. COME BACK.

I'm sorry. I know it's been months. I know you won't read all of this.





I'm sorry that the way you looked at me melted away every ounce of pain I ever had.
I'm sorry that the way you held me that night when I told you about my father made up for the nightmare you've put me in.
I'm sorry that the way you laughed at my jokes made up for the five thousand eight hundred and forty three days that I've been alone.

In those thousands of days I never felt more alone than I did the day you left though

I'm sorry I'm a complete mess without you.
I'm sorry I have to literally force myself to not text you or stop by your house.
I'm sorry I made a playlist of your favorite songs.
I'm sorry I still go to "our" coffee shop. It's so empty without you.
You used to cover up the crack in the chair across from me at "our" table at "our" coffee shop. Now I can see light piercing through the crevice.
I'm sorry I still know you number by heart.

You don't know this but I saw your mother at the grocery store. She didn't say hi.

I'm sorry I couldn't make words sound like angels as well as you turned darkness to light.
I'm sorry for being so cold.
I'm sorry, but I love you. You just mean so much. You're everything.
I'm sorry for letting you go.

I'm sorry your friends will probably read this, but it's important to me. You're important to me.

I love you.