I know that the day we talked for the time made me feel like I was drowning because you took the oxygen out of my lungs. I know you like your coffee with 6 pumps of vanilla. Iced. I know your left temple throbs when you're thinking of what to say. I know you 5 CDs of artists that you don't know (or like for that matter) in your car. I know that the way you touched my spine gave me chills. I know that you laid in my arms and said that I was the only person you loved to be around. I know you look up when you're trying not to cry. I know you looked up when you talked about college and leaving me. You looked up when you mentioned that I should move on. You looked up when I broken heartily said that I would and it didn't matter. I know that you used to give me the cup with more coffee. I know you were terrified of life more than death. I know you stay up till at least 2 am thinking about your future. I know you cared and that's why you left. But I don't know what to do with this love I still have for you?

It's 4:36am
and here I am
Face down on the floor with wet, swollen eyes that won't seem to stay closed.
4:37
the sun will shine in a few hours, but the light can't keep the darkness of my heart away.
4:38
I thought you were an open door to save me
turns out you were an open window for someone else.
4:39
Winter is coming up soon and our pictures are coming down,
but pain isn't a season or a memory. It's here to stay.
4:40
My heart is damaged just like you said I was. I'm saying good bye to the world. Good bye to you.
May my dreams put me 6 feet under tonight.

I don't know if it was you or if I just got nervous or both, but when you called me "beautiful" the butterflies in my stomach felt like fire burning.
I don't know if it was you or I just got scared or both, but when I saw you with her I could't help but get angry, the butterflies in my stomach evolved to hornets.
I don't know if it was you, or my past haunting me or both, but when you sang "Chasing Cars" to me, it reminded me of the one who broke me entirely and the butterflies in my stomach turned to emptiness as I fell on my bedroom floor crying that night.
I don't know if it's you, or me, or both, but I have no idea what we are but everything seems right even when its wrong.

In the early spring of 2011, my mother and my father sat me and my brother down on the living room.
I looked at the clock 8:03.
8:04: they say they love us and always will
8:05: they say daddy made a mistake
8:06: they day daddy says he can never forgive himself.
8:07: my mom forces back tears.
8:08: my heart suddenly feel heavier than the world
8:09: my mom says she will always be there even while daddy is away.
IN THE SIX MINUTES I REMEMBERED EVERY SINGLE ROAD TRIP WE TOOK, EVERY SINGLE BIRTHDAY WE CELEBRATED, EVERY GAME O MONOPOLY AND CLUE AND CANDY LAND. I REMEMBERED FALLING OFF MY BIKE INTO THE ARMS OF MY IN LOVE PARENTS. I REMEMBERED THE KITCHEN SMELLING OF MAPLE SYRUP AND BACON. I THOUGHT OF 204,693 REASONS WHY MY PARENTS LOVED EACH OTHER AND THEY COULDN'T EVEN THINK OF ONE. I THOUGHT "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW COULD YOU TEAR THIS FAMILY APART?"

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

Tell my sister that I'm sorry.
Tell my other sister I'm sorry she had to be the one to tell my mom, I was afraid she would try to change my mind.
Tell my brother I wasn't bluffing.
Tell them that this was my apology to them.
Tell my grandmother to please open up the gates, I know this isn't how she wanted to see me but this world got too heavy on my shoulders.
Tell her....never mind I'll tell her myself.
Tell the blood to be quick about it.
Tell the pain I said goodbye and tell goodbye I said hello.
Tell depression that it won.
Tell my doctor that the medication didn't work. (It never did)
Tell John, my love, that EVERYTHING has his name on it. Tell him he makes this world spin.
Tell Sara I'm sorry I couldn't be her maid of honor at her wedding.
Tell Lacy she's right, I would do it.
Tell Brandon I imagined it was him pulling the trigger.
Please don't tell my little brother. Please don't tell him unless he asks
Ask my dad that if we make it to the same place if he could maybe talk to me first this time?
Tell my feet stop running.
Tell my body keep the pills down.
Tell Jessica, I know, don't follow me.
Tell my exes to whisper my name...now they know the sound of a dodged bullet.
Tell the ER it looks like temporary. Tell the ER I'm gonna rename it my father's presence.
Tell the nurse don't smile and hold my hand.  For Christ's sake don't look like my mother
Don't tell me I can heal.
Don't lie to me now.
Don't try to give me a reason to stay or something to live for.
Don't name my brother or my two year old cousin's smile.
Don't make me change my mind.
Don't make me want this. Please
Please don't make me want this.

Plea-

My name is Courtney. My favorite colors are black and white because that's how I see everything. I'm usually loud in places I should be quiet and quiet in places I should be loud. I usually laugh too much, and smile when I don't want to. I like to meet new people but I don't like having super close friendships.
I like being left alone, most days I never leave my room.
I'm a scorpio but to be honest I have no idea what that means.
I have an odd fascination with things like the ocean and lights and coffee.
I like temporary things and that's why I tend to love people who could never love me back.
Its safer that way. Relationships only remind me that I'm not afraid of spiders or heights or rollercoasters but I'm terrified of everything that can be felt but not seen.
I have a purple heart. I got it because I'm constantly beating myself up about things and people I can't fix or make better.
I always try to swallow my pride but I choke on the words I can't say and my self esteem drowns out anything and everything that could be good or right in my life. My self esteem hates anything that could ever get close enough to hear me breathe. My self esteem is so scared of anyone that could ever hurt me like when I was 8 years old living through world war 3 in the place I called home.
I never sleep in complete darkness because that forces my eyes to see nothing but only feel what I'm afraid of.
I can't read letters without them being proof read first. I'm always so afraid that it'll blood stained by someone I love saying goodbye.
I hate goodbyes. I hate leaving doors open because open doors eventually get shut and that closed door stings more than any tear that ever rolled down my cheek.
This sounds so weird, but I wonder what my demons say about me when I'm not around. I wonder if they laugh at my weakness. I wonder if they were there when my friend heard me throwing up my pain into the toilet in my school's bathroom. I wonder if they saw me try to rip out the happiness of every picture I saw the boy I loved and his new girl in.
I don't allow myself to cry as often as I need to. I don't let myself grieve. I don't allow anyone to know anything about the first 13 years of my life. Because I know once I open that door, they will be scared of such a damaged me, that they will close it before I finish the story.
I do believe in God. I believe he didn't save me. I believe I've had to save myself all these years until I let him save me.
I'm Courtney. Nice to meet you.

I want that waking up at 6 am to make you breakfast kind of love,
that my friends think I'm absolutely crazy kind of love
the kind of love that is reckless and addicting
that I don't care what you look like I just want to stay up all hours to share secrets kind of love
that every time I see you my heart throbs kind of love
that I see you upset and you don't have to say anything and I already know what to do kind of love
that stand next to me because I love you kind of love
that "you can have the cup with more coffee" kind of love
that you get my heart and the world gets the worst of me kind of love.
that you are my everything kind of love.