when you dont want to be here, but you're too tired to try not to be,
just look around and maybe you'll see
oh dear, how much you really mean to me.

if only i could see

hold me close
drown my tears
show me why im even here
here my words
soften my cries
oh my dear, no more good byes

i am here now close your eyes
rock u slowly to and fro
humming softly, your eyes drift close-

if only so

Peek outside the window
Hide behind the door
No desire whatsoever,
to see what is in store

Close your eyes tight
Pray it stays locked
Take off your mask
hyperventilate-
Breathe it in,
Firm as stone.
Settled now, to try the door.

Just a little further,
But oh so very far.
Dear God, come on.
it's just the yard.

But the fear is overwhelming,
It dances in ur head.
So you hide under your covers
Tucked safe inside your bed

But never safe-
From the thoughts within your head.
The pinball reverberations-
Painfully loud.

The wind howls a tune.
The tree thumps a bass.
Your headache slowly fades,
As the rain kerplunks a gasp.
Cracking open long closed doors
It tears you far as sunder

the light pours in
It blinds you so
Stings pulsing through the sky
Yet your eyes remain unmoving,
Searching the outside

Their voices only pebbles now.
Softened by the wood nearby.
Their yells and insults fall, before they can even fly.

The wind is your turmoil.
The weather your symphony
Ur own perfectly destructive,
Rythmic, cacophony.

Etch your words into their hearts
Scream it through the glass
Let them know it is so very far,
From your own last gasp.

Watch them drown in your sound
-Loosing theirself instead.
Cry and cry as it pours down,
Blurred insignificance in ur head.
Colors drain with raindrops.
But still the sound remains

Their eyes wide.
Pant and shiver slight.
Cower on the ground
Hiding from the dread.

Dread of humiliation
From hiding in their bed

To know that on the inside,
They lost to you instead.
Complete mortification-
Snickers in the halls.

Time slipping from your grasp.
clutch the covers tight.
now knuckles white.

Cry, and cry.
And pray, and pray-
For just a longer night.

A slight rap on your front door
Resonates through the hall.
you hold your breath and wait still-
But yet the clock ticks on.

You trudge your feet of steel with will,
And peek out the window pane.
To see your neighbor soaked, and cold.
-Wondering if your ok.

Scary dream
Mangled screams
But oh how do YOU envision such a scene?
Much different I suppose
Than oh. One of THOSE

Sighing slowly
Ever near
When will I be free from here?
Arms unbound and heart now found
Free to make such awful sounds

up and down inside out
spread me thin through the ground
Cover them up. Hide them true
Sew me up lace the wounds
Send me far far away
In tomorrow, instead of today.


Scary dreams
Mangled screams
Coming from inside
Where darkness makes a hide
Seeping into the shadows
Creasing ever corner

Oh how I wonder
If I should really warn her?

I know I'm sinking,
but what is to stop me?
like the marker on my arm,
my color washes down the drain.
my personality dulling from conforming to society.
a catastrophic casualty of my personality.
my will ground out into the colorless dust,
that makes the deserted blue-grey of my eyes-
spreading into the everlasting dark rings underneath.
an opaque window into the dissolution that lies beneath.

shadows dance over my features.
yet, they change nothing of my appearance.
they encourage the facade that I am whole.
A well-timed excuse--
for the shadow of my former self that I have become.
For if I am to hide within my former shadow,
who is to say which is the real culprit-
of their misfortune?

My mind is blank.
hazy from the shadows,
and the complacency of their words.
my heart is heavy,
bursting and distended.
past the point of reconciling with my mind-
to improve its health.
it is now dysfunctional.

My mind has taken over-
the logical aspect of my emotions,
and now a battle ensues.
will it be a stubbornness blinded by chaos
that wins out
against the alleged adaptation of change?
or,
will ideology block out the senseless perplexity of emotions,
that wander disgruntled
into the path of innovation,
that will win out overall?
who will prevail?

or rather,
which half will change-
to hide within the shadows?

A day off from school, and nothing to do.
So here goes nothing, another letter to you.

words uttered and regretted
but silent still-
just ghosting by,
leaving no kind of trail.

a series of letters,
you somehow bother to read.
a lack of responses,
to which I have "no need".

A dull sort of pattern:
lines and spaces-
ink and not-
yet with so much meaning,
that the world has forgot.

still, they drift off
some grow heavy, and sink straight in.
reluctantly fleeting,
cover blown.
Whispers heard.
All senses now, on full alert.
Wanting a reply, but not at such a cost.
Knowing I am undeserving,
yet deserving of all the loss.

A dull sort of kindness.
an unsugarcoated truth.
I can't help but wish,
I wasn't a disappointment to you.

I can't help but bother,
wishing you wouldn't even dare.
giving words such meaning-
even words such as "care".

I am a sad kind of poet-
yet most never know it.

Just that kid in the corner.
dark room,
never known her.

Others, how they claim to know me-
But my sculpted facade,
hand designed-
by the clear streak of tragedy.
that is all they see.

Center of attention.
laughed at, and never with.
Respect my form of hiding.
It is all I have left.

Shape me, & mold me.
ground me down-
stand me up-
Dusted remnants standing still.
Blinks and stares,
tear through the silent air.

A shake of annoyance.
A twist of my neck.
"can't you see this isn't you?"-
"how dare you think like that."-

You're right.
It's not me.-
As cliché, as that may be.

A puppet at your service-
Fix the outside.
Top performance so they say.
But just one look inside,
and not a single light of day
rusted metal, grit, & oil.  

Fix the strings,
of most importance.
Once broken, soon brand new.
Nice firm tug.
just to Test Performance-
Aesthetics
Appeasing Quality
Of course, Don't you see?

Why of course not,
I would never hurt you.

Tug 'n tighten. Pull the cord.
until the collar stills no more.
Too numb to feel it, Tired & Tried.
Drug back against my will-
Fighting just to close my eyes.

One door closes, another one opens.
keep them both closed.-
Can't you listen?
Too much noise.
I can't stand it.
The door stills. Oh, for a moment-
but is yanked free.
The laws of nature,
so kindly ignoring my only plea.

Reality's firm grip on that cold handle.
Never giving.
Never quelling.

The only note of my existence,
forcing me to note such memories.

They flood back in,
through hidden doors.
Seeking refuge,
from places once stored.
The door always locked-
.. oh so long before.
Now open, mocking.
Here to settle the only score.-
The only thing bothered to be accounted for.

Revamp this puppet,
play my strings.
Gears groan from overuse.
Oil thinning, straight to thin.
Disappearing from existence,-
getting lost too deep within.
Gears grind in dissatisfaction.
Angrily forced to play along-
with such a sad,
unheard,
unforgiving song.

Giving in. Giving up.
Finally, to the abuse.
Just my luck, so lost and alone.
Doing this all, on my very own.

Don't touch me.
I can't take it.
Dizzied from the noxious fumes-
the memories spit back,
toxic to my wounds.

Never resting
always scared
of what lurks "right over there".
Childish fears never quite disappeared.
Gruesome company.
to one already so lonely.

So she slips down the hallway,
hair covering her eyes.
Nervous & skittish,-
Her hearing on overdrive.
One last glance over her shoulder
before slipping just inside
Sliding down,
echoes resound.
Cold tile, sniffling nose.
Vaguely aware of the chill spreading in her toes.

Arms crossed tight, protecting what's left of within-
Reminiscent, barely so
of just one missing, true friend.

Finally safe, my breathing escapes.
paper full,
pen in hand,
smears of ink-
just some peculiar squiggles.
Lines stilled, spaces dots
Dashed & Dotted.
Ink & Not.

My mark on this world,
One that can't be forgot.
Time frozen in place-
A gift for me, that you can't seem to see.

You walk right on past.
Reluctantly so,
sneaking glances through the glass.
Everknowing of my presence,
& that I hide myself away.
To you it is a dark corner.
Not a haven, a place to gather my thoughts.
Sorth them out & string them along-
until I reach the coherency of a single thought.

Peace at last,
my mind can rest.
Demons at bay,
no silent regrets.

Oh me?
I'm just that kid in the corner.
Dark room,
you've never known her.

A sad poet I may be-
But sad to you, isn't sad to me.
A mere relief.
My saving grace.
Just one of the pieces, I choose to embrace.

But that is that.
And I am me.

not quite as wrong, as the world fathoms me to be.