She never did learn to love.

*Only how to run.

I speak of the boy I used to wait for at the train station
frankly speaking, it's not that I know that he doesn't think of me anymore
it's that I know he only thinks of me when he doesn't know what he's doing
it makes more sense since I've always been one step ahead and pulling his hand
I think he knows I like the pull when I'm moving too fast
like a train coming to an abrupt stop and the passengers inside are jumped
sometimes he's like the train and I'm the passenger inside
the problem is when I leave, he'll just keep going.

I'm chasing after the last coach, leaving for its next destination
yes, I know there will be another one after it
but it's the slight sorrow that the one before left when I've just arrived
I think he was always like that, I think boys are always like that
they're like trains the moment you fall in love for one
while you're waiting and there he comes to pick you up
you spend hours with him until he drops you off somewhere
and he never looks back, it was always you looking.

I don't wait for him at the station anymore, I knew he wouldn't come
I've been having the sinking feeling that I missed my train for 2 years now
I go to the same place back and forth but the ride home is empty
I'm empty
you used to care when I'm travelling by myself
but there are trips that I don't feel as lonely
in these moments when I sit in the train, I couldn't help but wonder
is this you?

I wish I knew why he left. What his reasons were.
Why he changed his mind.

For all these years, I have turned it over in my
head--all the possibilities--yet none of them make
any sense.

And then I think, perhaps it was because he never
loved me. But that makes the lease sense of all.*

-Lang Leav

It has been months since I picked up the courage to spill my thoughts
but it's not like I haven't thought about coming back
I keep telling myself that my passion for writing has died
and like every dead things, they were never made to come back to life
I wish I could look back on the words I dedicated if I hadn't erase them
the truth is I have never regret all the things I wrote about you
but like every dead things, they were meant to come back and haunt.

What's unbearable was the incoherency that my mind fell into
over time, I stopped feeling altogether
I wasn't crazy, I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry either
sometimes I remember the earlier days and felt better
sometimes I think about the good memories and felt hopeless
the truth is I have never been this scared in a long time
and the fear swallowed me whole.

Trust me when I say the only thing I'm good at is lying
I went on for months denying what was stirring in my chest
I went on even longer thinking that I was absolutely fine
I learnt that you never really know how good you are until you're not
and the only thing I'm good at is crumbling to my feet
the truth is I have never had to hold my own bandages
but in the end, it's the only thing holding me.

I thought about all the other things I've loved before you
but everything I do reminds me of how hollow I am
I go through everyday wishing I was a ghost that would trail your every shadow
maybe it would be more fair if you felt the emptiness I've become
but even then I knew it's hard to haunt when you don't even care
the truth is I have never thought we would end up like this;
I forgot we weren't a fairytale.

I'm going to break you
and when I do
you're gonna say I loved you better than anyone ever has

I'm going to make you wish
that we had met later
so that you had learned not to talk
to girls like me

you're going to grow up
and realize that the pretty girl with makeup on her face
and scars on her thighs
isnt worth falling for

When you jump, think of me
Not before
Savor that feeling of life
And then think about the dying as you are

When you step, think of me
Not before
While the rope is set up
And the chair's underneath
Because my harsh words are wrapped around your neck

When you pull, think of me
Not before
When you're buying ammo
When you're setting up the tarp
But for the split-second of your short life
I deserve to be in your thoughts

When you die, I'll be thinking of you
Of our love
Of the past
And I'll join you, wherever you are
Because Hell's okay with me if you're there