the platform lights outside my train
glaze the seats across from me with
a golden ambiance
that reminded me of the twinkle in your eye-
i can't seem to remember it anymore
for what it was set as in reality
but the reminder was nice
and so i hold onto it, an already-fading memory;
a lesson in change and understanding.
an ambiance of change and letting go.

its not easy to read the lines between wanting to find a solution and wanting it all to end. that's what no one will teach you. life is ******* hard and ******* happens every single day, to every one of us. our buttons are pushed, our faith is tested, and everything you desire or you're grateful for, its like a set of eight pins. life, whenever its ready, will take its shot and hope it gets all the strikes it can.

sometimes looking to the universe will help you, and other times it wont. and sometimes you wont realize quickly enough that at night, all the stars in the night sky will shine brightly and exquisitely for you, and for every other person on this planet, in their special own way. everything is yours and everything is not. and life is always ******* changing so if things get too difficult and too ******, remember there were moments when it was the complete opposite. those times are coming. i just don't know how to wait properly on those times.

what i've learnt is that life is a test. it gives you good things so you can realize what is good, what is fun, what is wanted and desired in your life. but it also gives you what is bad, what is horrible and painful and unbearable. and when it does this, its to remind you that things can go horribly wrong, extremely quickly. that's whats so horrible yet magnificent about life, it takes your eight pins and says "**** it", and goes in for the **** or inspiration anyways. it changes on the flip of a coin, it changes on the flip of your emotions.

how to deal? i'm not quite sure anymore. i used to use positivity as a way to handle these strikes, to have a reason to think that things were going to soon once be okay. but life is always changing, so for now, we're not going to know. there are too many variables to think about when you're living, and we can't always see them all when we're in the moments of being alive. and we are not the universe. so breathe, and just stay sane. stay alive. and when life gets those strikes, and he's jumping around in the sky all happy and creating thunder, you'll feel small. and that small girl sitting in the biggest rainfall of the season is going to sit and think and just ******* smile. because nothing is going to get any better or any worse than this.

i lost you but
picked up my self-worth at
st. andrews station with
a wondrous smile
gave her a hug and
rejoiced at how this loss
was one worth losing.

i'm reading all these poems
about how i deserve better
and that i shouldn't be crying
when we're broken apart
but i can't help but weep because
when my eyes met yours with inspiration
yours met mine with belittlement
and i used to search for life's wonderment's
between your arms when you'd hug me
isn't that so beautiful?
that when i was making love to your body
our were simply plowing mine
land that you didn't even plant flowers on
because you could care less
about growing it.
is that what you want to be remembered as?

this makes me wonder how humans
constantly desire love yet
don't take the steps to receive it
don't believe that we deserve it
and instead push it away like the other person
we so desperately wanted
meant absolutely
nothing.

your **** is not disgusting at all
thats all he can seem to apologize for.
i'm so happy among the screaming and aggression
that my womanhood
is not disgusting.
it's not like you didn't tell me to **** myself
and ill be honest i was already half way there
when i heard that sentence run off your ******* mouth.
how ******* dare you.

i should of been more angry with you
i shouldn't have let you kiss my beautiful rose
with your disgusting, unworthy mouth.
you want to claim respect yet you had none to offer
you're toxic, and every woman knows it.
that's why there was only me.
and now that i've learnt, you'll have no one
until you learn.

this is a ******* wonderful nightmare, a horrid shape-shifter in disguise. a ripple effect from a stone dropped in holy water years ago. it could of been anyone and yet i was somehow brought to you. do you ever think about that? am i just rambling on? maybe i sound like an optimist, a mystical believer in miracles and things that are supposed to happen. i get lost easily in the clouds i puff out and transport to different realities when i think about our universe, this spinning, colossal canvas of love and lust and sin.

its hard to look in your eyes. mine water when i think about the way i probably let you down, the circumstance i seemed to put you in. i want you to be happy, but i'm so ******* selfish.

-27

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