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its not easy to read the lines between wanting to find a solution and wanting it all to end. that's what no one will teach you. life is ******* hard and ******* happens every single day, to every one of us. our buttons are pushed, our faith is tested, and everything you desire or you're grateful for, its like a set of eight pins. life, whenever its ready, will take its shot and hope it gets all the strikes it can.

sometimes looking to the universe will help you, and other times it wont. and sometimes you wont realize quickly enough that at night, all the stars in the night sky will shine brightly and exquisitely for you, and for every other person on this planet, in their special own way. everything is yours and everything is not. and life is always ******* changing so if things get too difficult and too ******, remember there were moments when it was the complete opposite. those times are coming. i just don't know how to wait properly on those times.

what i've learnt is that life is a test. it gives you good things so you can realize what is good, what is fun, what is wanted and desired in your life. but it also gives you what is bad, what is horrible and painful and unbearable. and when it does this, its to remind you that things can go horribly wrong, extremely quickly. that's whats so horrible yet magnificent about life, it takes your eight pins and says "**** it", and goes in for the **** or inspiration anyways. it changes on the flip of a coin, it changes on the flip of your emotions.

how to deal? i'm not quite sure anymore. i used to use positivity as a way to handle these strikes, to have a reason to think that things were going to soon once be okay. but life is always changing, so for now, we're not going to know. there are too many variables to think about when you're living, and we can't always see them all when we're in the moments of being alive. and we are not the universe. so breathe, and just stay sane. stay alive. and when life gets those strikes, and he's jumping around in the sky all happy and creating thunder, you'll feel small. and that small girl sitting in the biggest rainfall of the season is going to sit and think and just ******* smile. because nothing is going to get any better or any worse than this.
i lost you but
picked up my self-worth at
st. andrews station with
a wondrous smile
gave her a hug and
rejoiced at how this loss
was one worth losing.

-losing you is peaceful

i'm reading all these poems
about how i deserve better
and that i shouldn't be crying
when we're broken apart
but i can't help but weep because
when my eyes met yours with inspiration
yours met mine with belittlement
and i used to search for life's wonderment's
between your arms when you'd hug me
isn't that so beautiful?
that when i was making love to your body
our were simply plowing mine
land that you didn't even plant flowers on
because you could care less
about growing it.
is that what you want to be remembered as?

this makes me wonder how humans
constantly desire love yet
don't take the steps to receive it
don't believe that we deserve it
and instead push it away like the other person
we so desperately wanted
meant absolutely

-isn't this how you wanted to be loved?

your **** is not disgusting at all
thats all he can seem to apologize for.
i'm so happy among the screaming and aggression
that my womanhood
is not disgusting.
it's not like you didn't tell me to **** myself
and ill be honest i was already half way there
when i heard that sentence run off your ******* mouth.
how ******* dare you.

i should of been more angry with you
i shouldn't have let you kiss my beautiful rose
with your disgusting, unworthy mouth.
you want to claim respect yet you had none to offer
you're toxic, and every woman knows it.
that's why there was only me.
and now that i've learnt, you'll have no one
until you learn.

-toxic masculinity

I hated how right you were, because you weren't always right about everything. But something this time around allowed you to be right about me. How I was scared to open up, to feel, how I always translate it back to anger. I didn't mean to do this. After all, you told me that being emotional wasn't what you wanted around yourself. You were always trying to be so ******* happy. So I took that to heart and started burying my feelings.

2. Even after burying them, they still came through; a small light shining through a darkened room. I still wanted to lay my head on your chest, interlock legs with yours after you ****** me. I still wanted you to hold my hand. It had nothing to do about the ***. I guess what I loved so much about it was that it felt like you were touching me, who I really was, and I thought that I had meant something. You gave meaning to my body every time you touched it.

3. We both found each other when trying to find ourselves. I don't know what to make of that universal message, but it haunts me. Because I thought that when you prayed and screamed out and tried your all, the universe rewarded you with what you really needed, what you were really looking for. So I guess part of me thought I needed you. You had so much to offer but cut our moment quickly and now I'm terrified that you will never have the chance. I'm scared I have missed those gifts.

4. Looking into your eyes for the last time hurt more than any other person I had to let go of. I liked them so much, and they were always so hard to look into. Avoided at all costs. Before, it was because I was so nervous around you, I was always blushing. Now, I avoid them because I don't want to accept that i'll be looking into them for the first time and not seeing anything. I feel like I low my heart to remember how they look one last time. That if I could just look into your eyes and see some sort of feeling of you wanting me to stay that I would have. I feel like I owed myself that last moment to say goodbye. I would have ******* fought for my position. But you didn't seem worth it.

5. There re moments where I want to think you thought about me like I thought about you. I want to believe that you thought highly of me, that I was beautiful and fun to be around, but it gets harder and harder to see you really thinking those things. What I really wanted to tell you was how much I wanted you to myself, how much I really did look up to you. I wanted even more for you to smile at those words, that loyalty and devotion and care, and take me into a hug. But you didn't. You blamed me. And although I do need to change, you took no responsibility for your anger, your hurtful words, your hard times, negativity, and *******. Which is why this thinking, this dreaming, ends on five.

-now i'm angry

this is a ******* wonderful nightmare, a horrid shape-shifter in disguise. a ripple effect from a stone dropped in holy water years ago. it could of been anyone and yet i was somehow brought to you. do you ever think about that? am i just rambling on? maybe i sound like an optimist, a mystical believer in miracles and things that are supposed to happen. i get lost easily in the clouds i puff out and transport to different realities when i think about our universe, this spinning, colossal canvas of love and lust and sin.

its hard to look in your eyes. mine water when i think about the way i probably let you down, the circumstance i seemed to put you in. i want you to be happy, but i'm so ******* selfish.


he stole my heart again.
its hard to care when the world is up against you
its hard to care when you feel like you're drowning
and it's hard to care when water keeps pouring in
and you don't know how to swim.
i've forgotten what an outstretched hand feels like, and i've forgotten how to use my words. there's nothing left to say. when i think about reaching out for someones hand i'm tempted to pull back, as if it wouldn't have still been empty. as if someone would have actually cared.
do you know how it feels? to have your breath knocked out of your chest. to drive home, hands 10 and 2 on the wheel, tears allowing you to wash out the world for a quick instant.
and maybe that's the issue, right? we're all too silent before we're gone, that's why there was no hand. but is it really our fault?

my mouth and brain are no longer in conjunction with each other and speaking and not speaking is both difficult and easy
could you hold my hands for a second?
drown me out for a while.


going through my drafts to see what i want to publish & came across this. i felt like i remember writing this particular poem, straight up onto this forum, during an especially hard time in my life. i'm glad to say i'm hardly there anymore.
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