Sometimes I just lay down.
In my bed.
Lights off and silence.
And I close my eyes and think about you.
I think of everything from the first time we began.
To the smallest details that hang on every strand of my memory.
No matter how much I want to hate and forget it all.
My guard always falls.
The memories flow in like a river of endless water.
There's no drainage that can control this mess.
Every time I see you I think about you more.
I guess I'm angered by the memories because I don't think your mind does the same for me
And it *****! It really *****!
Because I'm stuck.
Stuck to memories that were just that.
Now I'm ashamed cause you don't think the same.
Cause your smile still makes my day.
And cause you just won't go away.

Doom train hurtling along
Through the fog in my mind
Towing freight, rectangular and oblong
Dim headlights, you're travelling blind

Five carriages long, excluding engine and caboose
Metal against metal, spitting sparks on steel
Undetermined path, rails will choose
Chugging along on dirt covered wheels

In the cabin, I see the light
Emanating from your furnace
Swallowing up coals in your gaping bite
Tongues of flames licking the surface

Fire breathing, spewing thick black smoke
Almost unseen, against the dark of night
A long plumy arm as if extending to choke
And plug the remaining sources of light

Meandering precariously on tracks that weave
Over uncharted, unfathomable terrain
Your store, so reliably you heave
Worming your way through my brain

What's in that cargo of yours?
What lies within those boxcars?
What drives you to diligently run your course?
What fuels you to travel near and far?

Loads of self pity, self loathing and self reproach
Snaking your way to an unknown destination
Screeching brakes as if a stop you approach
Herald the train of dubious intentions

Light is upon you, dark will dissipate
Your plumes starting to lessen from your stack
The dawn breaking horizon you didn't anticipate
To see another charging towards you on this very same track...

I
I know that I am not important to you at all
I'm just the girl who's there
and I know that you will forget me possibly after this year or the next
and I also know that you will never like me--
because I'm over dramatic and boring and depressing as hell
and I'm not beautiful or even remotely pretty
and because you are simply too good for me
II.
but
before you forget me
and before you completely underestimate my importance in your life
before you forget the name of the girl that's just there
before you tell her yes
before you leave
III.*
Please know that I think that you are beautiful with sun-kissed skin and dark brown eyes that will forever orbit my mind
Please know that everything about you is perfect in a not-so-perfect way and that even though I hate that you cut your hair it still looks as soft as ever
also
know that you are probably the reason I don't actually study in study hall
and that all those times I asked for help I actually already know the math
remember Madison Square Park?
When I said goodbye and you told me not to leave,
well I stayed up all night wondering what you meant by *don't go
most importantly--
Please know that I love you
I am okay with you forgetting the girl that sat in the last row in class
and I'm okay with you never loving me--because to be honest, I don't blame you
and I am okay with you completely underestimating my existence
but I am not okay and will never be okay if you do not remember that you are perfect in a not-so-perfect way and that you are beautiful; with sun-kissed skin and dark brown eyes that will forever orbit my mind
and even though you will never read this
I'll make sure of it
I only have one more thing to say
*don't go