i have this reoccurring dream, it's me,
standing unearthly in the front of the altar, did god bring me to his home or is this just what they call church?
lonesome, that helter-skelter tenebrous loneliness, estrangement all around
pews blessed with the strange vacancy i relate with the open ended depth of my heart, as if people were supposed
to be there, as if people were
supposed to believe
i'm spitting up blood now, this isn't how to mend and no; who are we kidding, this is exactly how we knew it all would end
veiled with
necklaces, wrapping songs of Hail Mary around my throat,
the layered thought that god could look down in any given second
and strangle me with his own prayer,
you see i'm shouting at the ceiling but
tears only result in bent puddles on the floor
faith only results in a plethora of bibles, and the ashes of their contents.
slitting my wrists with every unanswered scream, every unlearned rosary
he's laughing at me, he's laughing at me, this ungiving god, furnishing a strange pigment to the room, staining a strange potency
transmitting this repulsive image- this memory, of this entity, of this effigy- we're all on hands and knees. withering, it's relentless,
tampering with the various degrees of energy and just what am i here for,
maybe that question is it, maybe
it's me,
maybe it's the way i was made and maybe it's the way i never called you back and
maybe it's that the day i was created was the day god cracked and
it's rumored my nostalgia-grade voice grips the air the way his hands hugged nails
i'm sifting through the times when these mumbling statues shattered, every rejected cross was found dropped,
the day i was created god became bilious and vomited for the next 16 years,
maybe it's today that he'll stop

Something inside me
Instantly falls apart and
An ache is all that's left when
The sharp edges of each fragment
Lie scattered, puncturing
Near organs in their
Beautiful array of
Brokenness

I played her some songs I like;
She asked "why I like sad songs?"
I told her "because I like the lyrics"
Then she asked me if I'm sad
And I said "yes a little bit".
She said "why"
And that question made me
Even feel sadder.
I just told her "I don't know"
But in my head I knew
I just didn't want to tell her
I felt she was too young to know
Too young to know that
I got my heart broken
Into Pieces by this
Guy I thought really loved me
I still feel sad because
It hurts me a lot
And I live in this state where
He didn't do any of it.

That it's all a dream
And soon I'll wake up
And realize it isn't real
And in another world
I still feel that were together

I'm still stuck on Him
And I don't know what to do
I want to cry but no matter
How hard I try
Tears won't come out.
As if I ran out of tears
Or as if there's a wall holding it
All back.
I'm scarred

If I listen to happy songs will I be happy?
If, so please let my ears listen and
Fill my heart with happiness and good
With positive thoughts
And hoping to live another day without
Thinking about my broken heart
My thoughts scream and shout
Inside of my head
And I'm walking around
With a broken heart.
I was shocked
Yes. Because it hit me
With Irony
So I laughed a little bit
And cried some

I always had my doubts
I was just too ****
Stupid not to put it all together
Soon enough.
I seen and heard things
That made me think
Negative.
I assumed he was seeing or doing something else
With another girl
My gut was right
Something I Ignored
And I went along with my life
I should have trusted my gut
It was right all that time

He showed me all the right signs
And I was blinded
Because I wanted to be wrong
October 9 of this year
I wrote my true feeling down
I wrote how I really felt
And I couldn't tell him about it
Because I told him I'll never bring it
Up ever again

So I kept my word.
It was bottled up inside of me
I couldn't tell anyone
I didn't want them to judge me
I didn't want to hear negative
Things towards my feelings
I thought no one would ever understand me
I felt alone
I would cry and carry on
And cry some more
Until I just
Read it in his presence
And afterwards I
Spilled out everything.
All the things I had bottled up inside
Of me.
I spoke my mind that day.
And I felt closure.
Then Again I don't
Think closure is the right word

I was hurt
And tears were rolling down
My face and my tears
Were blinding me
And I took a napkin
And wiped them away

He never knew how I truly felt
Most of the time
But my words that day
I spilled out everything
That I had in my mind
He felt the same as I did
And
When I would cry in secret sometimes
I didn't want anyone else
To know I'm crying
Because I had so much bottled up
My heart would cry with me
When I'm sad.
And all those times I felt sad
He finally felt what I've felt

I just want to scream.
Let it all out. . .
Out what, you'll ask
& I'll say
This pain I carry on me
This burden
This thing I feel that lives
Inside of me.
It’s attacking me from the inside
Wanting to get out
Wanting to be free into
The Atmosphere
Where it would be free
Nothing less and nothing more
Just free

I felt times where I wanted to be free
From this sadness
Called depression
That he brought upon me

And now

I close my eyes, thinking
To myself
This is real and I have to except it
But I don't want to
And this is when I want to scream
Because I don't want to except it

I just don't
It's just so hard for me
I never thought this would happen to me
My heartaches. . .

So. . . . .

Play me some songs of happiness
Because I want to be happy.

She's an alphabet artist
she paints in words,

from a palette of adjectives,
nouns and verbs,

the landscape she finds
in the folds of her mind

she exhibits in volumes of verse.

once again the light of love has ssmoothed over your indisgressions

barbed arrows and blunt fist blows full of words.

I turned my back to ice.

i fractured.

I turned into scalding water

I seeped into the ground

luke warm is all I am able.

I dont know whether to turn into vapour

or collect myself at your feet.

my love is still a fragile phoenix.

its your move.

i have sin written on the tip of my tongue,
i'm beginning to think i've been screaming for years
with the soul intention of committing to just something,
maybe anything, maybe nothing at all.
nostalgia takes its grip tighter than the way i imagine
the noose around his neck and tighter than the
first time you hugged me, god i swore i was meant to be there.
i think, i'm remembering things that took cover in my brain
things that didn't want to be seen,
possibly in mockery of me
i'm dripping sweat from thinking a drop of thought
could create an entirely new rendition of me in your mind,
i never cared to be okay, i never cared to stay

Sometimes
It is so easy
To fall
Allowing those dark feelings
To take root
Sometimes
It is so hard
To get up
And allow the sunshine in
Sometimes
A battle rages on
And on
Never ending
Leaving one Exhausted

Nashville was never your home
you spoke of Dublin, as if
it were your mecca, your promised land
and now you can run through it's streets once more

Give Anais a kiss for me, you're home

If We keep on Expanding forever
Then I Fear just how Lonely We'll get
Like the Stars, We All Burn out Together
...become the Ember that Cradles Itself

Well~Come on Up
I've not much Time, but I've brought the Love
ReCreate This Right
And Move Us Through to the OtherSide
Alas! Know We Show, Our Heart is Real no matter Where We Go
...Null is Right to let the Breath of God just pass Us by...
That's Why
Why I Try
and We Try
ReCreate This Right
...I did not Want to Know, now but I See What's been going on.....

If We keep on Expanding forever
Then I Fear just how Lonely We'll get
Like the Stars, We All Burn out Together
...become the Ember that Cradles Itself

So Above still We Hover so...
In Dead of Night, from Above, Below
ReCreate Our Light
Reflect it back for the rest to Shine
Alas! We show, our Heart is Real no matter where we go
ReCreate this Right
And Move Us through to the Other Side
The Wildest Write
To leave Their Legends and Lores behind
With Words they Show
For those with Mystic Minds to Know
We all want to believe and All can Conceive what's going on!!!!

If We keep on Expanding forever
Then I Fear just how Lonely We'll get
Like the Stars, We All Burn out Together
...become the Ember that Cradles Itself

The Brandon who was sure of a god is deceased,
But his memory is visible in my idealistic wish for one.
Who would not want a loving, personal god
Forgiving their wrongs and guiding them
Towards ever-lasting happiness?
Answer me..

No matter what you want,
In regard to matters of forgiveness and happiness,
You are on your own,
At least that's what I think.

I have to forgive myself,
Even if everyone else will refuse to do so.
Ugly and beautiful both describe me equally,
And these qualities apply to every
Other human being as well,
From the poor to the wealthy,
The atheist to the religious,
The prisoner to the police officer,
The terrorist to the president, and so on.

Failure to acknowledge this
Underscores moral supremacy,
And the over-simplification of humankind.
No war between Good and Evil is being waged,
And as far as happiness goes,
No man or woman can give it to you,
They can only supplement it.
It is not a plateau
To be permanently established,
It waxes and wanes like
The phases of the moon,
Tending to glow whenever you smile.

(c) 2013 Brandon Antonio Smith

9/20/13