Away from the chaos
I lit my cigarette and puff the smoke hard gruelling  to recall your Potriat
that every bone is colliding in agony
turning into ashes
But I am unable to see your silhouette
I am piercing my innerself  for you in this gloomy night,
but i am diving in the uncanny gallery
The pain is foreshadowing  of the woeful
future
But now i am immobile
Grieving the lullably from the distant window
Hoping now i will shed tears
But  emotions and heart are not synchronizing any longer
Even oasis can be a myth from near
But you are the essence precedes existence
Now I prefer evil over good
Evil has become my ally giving me morphine love
       "You are no  longer my addiction
My writing doesnt belong to you anymore".

Maybe it was the very first time
But it haunts me as though
It has happened a million before
From when we are young it sews
Itself into the very fabric of who we are told to be

I took a hit.
Laughter trickled round my ears
Jeers and shouts stalking me
As I walked away, fear building
As I held myself back from retreat.

Behind my eyes flashed up
A drunken stranger making me feel small
I was only 10 years old
But after me they yelled out catcalls
I rushed away, trying anything to forget

Now I am older,
Nothing has changed
Except now I know not to walk alone
And keep off evening trains
If I want to remain innocent and unbothered

I am not alone in this
We exchange these familiar tales
Softly speaking out what we hide
We fast learn it comes with being female
We stay silent to keep our pride.

Work in class they say. Do what you're supposed to do they say. Well they seem to say a lot of ******* things. They say sometimes we need to do things to feel, a way to express, but they don't really care about what your need or feel is. They want you to be what they want and what they want to see. Nothing changes unless you try and initiate that change. Some people think that death is the most sought after thing for relief they don't really want to end it forever they just want to feel and they want to end the hurt, the pain, or just their thoughts. They just want relief that's all it is. People look at addictions and they see them as foul and derogatory, but the people who have them see it as an escape from the world or from their minds. That's what most of them are. We can't be a shadow forever.

I still have scars on my body
From that fated night
You can still see the lines
Where my soul ripped my flesh
And finally bled through
Spilling regret onto the hospital beds

No matter how hard I try
The scars still remain
A constant reminder
Of that day full of so much anguish
Days filled with much pain
My heart seems to break all over again

Days fly by, my thoughts chaotic
Sometimes never lingering at the though of you
But one glance at those scars
And it all comes flooding back,
Drowning in your memories...
Your sparkling blue eyes glistening with mischief
Your strange English accent always catching me by surprise
The way you wouldn't talk to anyone for days
But would jump out of bed days we planned to spend together
The way darkness hung over your life and stuck to you
But you would tell me I was the light that kept you going
The way you walked
The way you sang
The way you ate
The way you smiled
The way you laughed
The way you....

But none of that matters anymore does it?

Because I learned to bury all those memories
I learned to bury all those thoughts
I learned to bury all the pain
The day I buried you

...

You might’ve been the one with blue eyes, but I was the one who was the real monster.

My daughter loves my poetry
As if she doesn't know
She is the most beautiful
Poetic thing
I've ever created

From the look of you:
I became the arrow and you were my bow
That aim right at my heart:

I grasp my chest
Looking for the blood of redemption

You were my rock,
Never my divider,
And I fell right into your trap.
Launch into nothing…