the way i smiled outside
is the opposite of how i cry inside
the pain left me hanging
i couldn’t take it anymore
the pressure they all gave me
the thoughts and misconceptions
the society fed me
kept being toxic
all my efforts
were nothing but trash
i seemed unnoticed
and silently i waited for someone
to hear how much myself peaked at
that metal mask that hides
my identity
i talked about my flaws
at the mirror
shouting how much
sorrow i’ve been through
seeing my bloodshot red eyes
kept me wondering
am i that pitiful?
i am that small thing
in the big perfectionist world
i couldn’t accept myself
so i torn it apart
and left every bits and pieces
of the real me
i kept using all these
makeups skincare pills
just to hide the past
but it wasn’t enough
the expectations were as high as the skies
and i was on earth
i put all my best
but it still wasn’t enough
the oceans in my eyes
shows how much i’ve suffered all throughout
the years of judgement in the pits of hell
i am sorry for being sad
been always sorry
will always be sorry
for being who i am.

I was down.

And so I decided I needed flowers.

But not roses. Because roses have thorns.
And I am so sensitive lately.

I decided, not mixed flowers.
Because I’m mixed up.
And I need to stabilize.

I decided, not tulips.
Because tulips droop.

I decided,
I need gerbera daisies, bright.

Because gerbera daisies stand upright.

And so I bought some
in a wonderful shade of Fuchsia.

knew a girl named Faith
who had none at all
husky breath, taut body
aligning laughter with anyone in sight
sotto voce-
fading into the carriage of the night
rolling within the mazes she chooses

she's a tall tower squishing my chest
tabi heels from margiela
give her all my love but it's never enough
takes it all and serves it to everyone
else
crosses for earrings
knew a girl named Faith
and i love her

It is late.
It is always late
and I wonder
how you are
and where -

It is late,
too late
and all I can do
is miss what I had
to leave behind.

dried skin
picking it off my lips

addicted
so compulsive

it's not cold
let me hold your hands
under the water

let me look into your eyes
in the dark

we always want to touch
never talk so much

picking at my lips

bad habits

Do you hear water wherever you go?
The hum,
the slosh,
the drum,
the stroke.
Always moving, potentially drowning us slow.
Like how happy people hear music
you hear the tide,
and the moon tugging gently;
you have nowhere to hide.