Make sure there's nobody around
To see you leave this place,
Keep your eyes down,
Don't even look back at me.

If they ask why you were gone,
You were studying; you ran back,
I know they'll ask why you're flushed,
But keep your head down and nod.

Drive down the backroads when you leave,
Replay the words I always say:
"You can always stop"
But I know we won't get there

To those meetings in parking lots,
Because we're just lying in these rooms
Continuing this illicit affair
Because we failed to hide our longing stares.

It started with just a kiss, now it's so much more,
And it'll end with all of this,
Dying and dying like the stars we sat under
A million times together.

When you leave, take everything with you,
Delete all the photos, and emails,
Like we didn't exist at all,
I'm sorry I left you stranded again.

But don't take my words to heart,
I'm just high of the taste of you,
It'll all wear away soon,
No illicit affairs to die anymore.

And if we talk again, I'm screaming on the inside,
Because if you try to call me baby,
I'll cry, like we died, and I can't let you
See all those parts of me again.

So don't come up to me again
Like we're back to normal—it's just pretend
And I know that I'm a broken mess,
But you made me keep coming back

So I know all too well how this goes,
This game, this play, this twisted show,
And I can't deny that I would ruin myself
For you a million times.

I can't cut
No more
No
No
No
I promised

But the feelings are so strong
Overflowing me
I need them to pour down my arm
And out of my body

I can't
I can't be that weak
I just need to breathe
...
My lungs fail me

But no
No
No
I can't reach for it
Not allowed
Not anymore
Done with that, right?
I really just want to grab the knife
Razor
Needle
Anything
And end this misery
At least soothe it a little

But no
No
No
No
I can't

I feel depleted and there is nothing left. I look to you and there i find rest.
My heart is burdened and with fear and anxiety it churns. Sweet relief floods me as toward your grace and mercy my eye turns.
My body is battered, breaking by the war with this world. You draw me close tell me not within your own strength can you defeat the weapons which are hurled.
I am acting out of sorts not at all the daughter i long to be. But you hold tight never abandoning me.
I have hurt and disappointed you my eyes run with tears and my heart burns with shame. I want to hide away in fear but then you call my name.
Your sacrifice to cover, to wash me clean , to draw me to yourself, to free me from sins reign. You wont let me hide or stay crippled by shame, you remind me i am yours and your love for me remains.

why does my happily ever after...
need a Prince Charming,
is it really that alarming,
that I don't want an Adam, a Phillip, or even a Ferdinand,
none of my aspirations are that grand,
neither do I care for an Eric or Aladdin,
these suggestions only serve to make further madden,
why can't I be a Merida or a Raya,
an Elsa, a Moana, a Mulan without a sigh of,
'she doesn't know what she's talking about',
'leave her alone, she'll back out,'
back out of what? this pity party idea,
that I need to capture someone else's philia,
I am not disillusioned when I say,
I don't give a **** about that in any way.

i told myself i was done.
scrubbed the bathroom tile like it was me that needed cleansing,
not the floor.
drank coffee instead of shots,
hit the gym,
got good at smiling again.
they said i looked better.
they always say that when you’re not dying in front of them.

but they don’t see
how the ghosts still come at night,
how the itch lives in the jaw,
in the back of the eyes,
like a ******* radio playing a station
you thought you turned off months ago.

i was clean.
for a while.
like the silence right before a scream -
that beautiful, dangerous quiet
where you think maybe you made it.
maybe this time you beat it.
maybe this time you win.

but addiction is smarter than you.
it waits.
doesn’t need to rush.
it knows you’ll come crawling
when the applause fades,
when the texts stop,
when the world gets boring again.

you think you’re sparing them,
keeping it tucked away,
like shame’s just a private little pet you feed
when no one’s watching.
but hiding it doesn’t protect them.
it just breaks them slower.
like they’re loving someone through bulletproof glass -
close enough to see the cracks,
too far to stop the bleeding.

and the worst part?
the worst part is that some days
you’re proud of how good you’ve gotten
at pretending.
how well you play “okay.”
like you deserve a ******* medal
for surviving your own lies.

truth is -
you don’t ever get out.
you don’t get cured.
you just get distance.
and even that -
that’s a rental.

because addiction
isn’t about weakness,
it’s about forgetting how to want anything
that doesn’t destroy you.

and maybe one day
i’ll be better.
but i’ll never be new.

and maybe that’s what clean really means -
not the absence of poison,
but the choice to keep waking up
even when it still lives
in your bones.

Lily, how you make me so disconcerted
They call it silly but it takes the air of my lungs
And I know it’s not your concern
I know it’s not you concern

Lily, how it feels to brush a hair made of silk?
You ask yourself if they’ll love you
but it is obvious they will
Your existence is so sweet
Like gold learned to breathe

What is it like to have everything
fallen into place all the time?
I’m watching she smile with her bright eyes
Wishing those could be mine

Lily, your grace is consistent with the light
Your semblance is as wispy as if you could fly
Maybe one day I wont be so ambivalent  
and so bothered that you aureate

What is it like to have everything
fallen into place all the time?
I’m watching she smile with her bright eyes
Wishing those could be mine
Be more sylphlike
Envy plagues my life

Lily, it’s not your fault I’m so blue
And how I compare myself to all you do

To: my younger self.
From: 2025 self.
…………………….
Stay strong
People will try to hurt you

DON’T stop reporting them
They NEED to learn there lesson
DON’T go to picture day
They WILL take advantage of you

Love yourself
NO MATTER WHAT

Trust your parents
They will ALWAYS be there for you

DONT EVER take no for an answer

DONT believe the “security camera” lie

KEEP writing
And NEVER stop
(You’ll be famous 1 day)

Speak up about your health issues
(You’ll finally get the help you need
EARLIER ON!!!)

Be a child for AS LONG AS POSSIBLE
you WILL lose that eventually

KEEP listening to music
It WILL be your free time
AND your way out of bad situations

DONT listen to
The principal and counselor there
They lie and are hurting you
Even IF you can’t notice in now

be WHOEVER you want to be
DONT let anyone stop you

Smile as much as you WANT to
you don’t need to pretend

Love the color yellow
It will become the color
And symbol of freedom

Come “out” in the pride community
DONT hide it!!!

Speak up when you talk
Let people hear you

Take self care days
You deserve it :).

Lose your friends
(Except for Steph)
They ALL will side with the “others”
And hurt you on “THAT day”

Feel free to cry
Letting it all out
Won’t hurt you

Go outside more
You will LOVE it

Spend more time with Toby
He WONT have long left

BE YOURSELF
LOVE YOURSELF
YOU GOT THIS
YOU ARE STRONG
YOU ARE LOVED
YOU ARE AWESOME
YOU ARE PERFECT—
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. :)

Creating majesty with the maggots.
Creatures crawling in the filth
will always have a feast.
Grabbing the greatest and the least
decay persists.
Get comfortable with chaos.
Create