To those who have walked away when
I gave everything
I forgive you

To those I have hurt when I sunk too deep
I am so very sorry
I seek your forgiveness

To every vacated prayer I have prayed
I have weak faith
and many sins

To the year that has tortured me
I will come up swinging
I will not bow

The flower of love I will let go//
to unfold in the wind//
to blossom elsewhere//
All has been said//
None have been true//
Walls and towers built//
over a hundred wood crosses//

Flowing velvet worn to rugged//
Snatched away by life and death//
this doesn't feel like home anymore//
this isn't my home//
Desperation holds the nostrils shut//
& ***** the air out of our lungs//
We settle for none// and love even less//

There is a fear resting on this brain
Fear of obsolescence too young
Use used up too early
Spidering across my mind's eye
It is
Unsettling
To be old at a young age
In body & mind
The mirror shows your youth but
Cannot discover the years within
Everyone says "You're so young you have your whole life ahead of you!"
(It's such an oxymoron, your whole life is only ever behind you... If people cared to think they would learn this)

Young
young
y o u n g
Is it just a number?
Do I have to bury friends and family before I'm considered old?
Where is the invisible threshold that I must have passed when I was a child? Or a teen?
I haven't pocketed my third decade but my
HEART
                    is
HEAVY

I long to die but I'm scared to die so I just want to die so I stop thinking about death all the time. People will get over me.
If I'm (un)lucky my words won't be remembered
Most words are memories we want to forget
Yet we write them down
To the deep parts of our souls
Etch them in our marble foundations
Hoping out dreams will show them some nights
But I want to forget it all

I'm old ******
If you don't believe me ask my friends
If you don't believe them ask the dead
If you don't believe them stop reading
Because you were never listening in the first place
Just waiting for your turn to talk
To say I'm nonsensical
To eNcOuRaGe mE to lOoK fOrWaRd
When forward doesn't exist yet
By the time it does it's just more minutes
Stacked on my back
Days stacked on my back
Months stacked
Years stacked
Until you call me old
and I tell you I've been here the whole time

(You just chose not to believe)

"Southern Cross"  
by Crosby, Stills & Nash 1977


Got out of town on a boat goin' to Southern islands
Sailing a reach before a followin' sea
She was makin' for the trades on the outside
And the downhill run to Papeete

Off the wind on this heading lie the Marquesas
We got eighty feet of the waterline nicely making way
In a noisy bar in Avalon I tried to call you
But on a midnight watch I realized why twice you ran away

Think about
Think about how many times I have fallen
Spirits are using me larger voices callin'
What Heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten

(Around the world) I have been around the world
(Lookin') Lookin' for that woman girl
(Who knows she knows) Who knows love can endure
And you know it will

When you see the Southern Cross for the first time
You understand now why you came this way
'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from is so small
But it's as big as the promise, the promise of a comin' day

So I'm sailing for tomorrow my dreams are a dyin'
And my love is an anchor tied to you tied with a silver chain
I have my ship and all her flags are a' flyin'
She is all that I have left and music is her name

Think about
Think about how many times I have fallen
Spirits are using me larger voices callin'
What Heaven brought you and me cannot be forgotten

(I've been around the world) I have been around the world
(Lookin') Lookin' for that woman girl
Who knows love can endure
And you know it will, and you know it will yes

Oooh ...

So we cheated and we lied and we tested
And we never failed to fail it was the easiest thing to do
You will survive being bested
Somebody fine will come along make me forget about loving you
At the southern cross