I'd isolate myself and sit for hours if I could
Paying little mind to the things I know I should.
I'm slowly losing interest,
I feel misunderstood.
If I could fix these problems in a heartbeat then I would.

I don't need a 9 to 5
To use up all my time

Walking down the wild side
Showing what's on the inside
Just to live a little
Dancing for the moments
Instead of waiting
For that one song to play

Waiting for perfection
Will leave you with nothing
Except wasted time
Something as vivid as grey

You scare me
No, you terrify me

With every touch
With every word
With every smile
Or heartfelt care
I am terrified
More and more

Because don't you know
Loving is terrifying
Because heartbreak
Is the scariest thing
That I have ever known

Because it brings more darkness
Than a starless night

More darkness than
When you shut your eyes tight

You see you terrify me
Because you are everything
I have hoped for.

Someone asked if I miss you
I said no

Then cried my eyes out

Because I do miss you

Because even when we were crashing

Crashing down like

Falling stars

You would hold me

And tell me

Even though

You were leaving me

You loved me

Because somehow

You were always able

To break my heart

And kiss it better all at once.

I need a hug
And not just any hug

One of those tight
Concerned hugs
That say
It will be okay

One of those hugs
That make you feel
Like you can let all the tears
Just fall.

Wishing you well
Grandchild of six
You left young
You had no sight
But learned to have fun
Resting at six
I'll see you another sixteen plus,
My young grand baby
My young one.

This is the part
At the start
Where you set rhythm to the rhyme

Just enough
Of the stuff
As cadence moves in time

Taking a subject
In hopes that they love it
And find it rather deep

As you keep them guessing
Show your not messing
With originality

Your now in the middle
Where you start to fiddle
With all the words at play

Hide a few meanings
As you'll soon be leaving
Before it is too late

Then comes the ending
The tail end of the beginning
Drawing it to a close

Wonder where it came from
You hate to play dumb
But only the good lord knows

Thy effigy was so charming
It can grips a heart
Thy face of youthfulness
It can tranquilized a war

Many roses envied thee
Their complaints was loudly burst
That blessed was unjust
That you owned a beauty, to them ugliness

Thy prettiness a weapon
Can  slave a kingdom
But it feared someone
The monstrous beast - the time

Thy beauty was rotten
The one that allured thousand kings
Thy effulgence doom
A star that used to be dream...


written: July 31, 2001 at 7:00 pm

Mysterious Aries

sharing our duty
in ambulance cars
for several months
it took a masked ball
to make us meet

when I helped you
into your coat
in the wee hours
of a crisp December night
I just could not resist
to kiss the soft hair
on the back of your neck

you turned around
and held me close

though we did not
  share a bed that night
this was when we turned lovers
   without words

you were advanced in years
but not in love
so we explored together
a new world of sensations
love and pain and bliss
on benches hidden in the city parks
in my small Spartan student's room
and practically everywhere

our love and our bodies were
an endless source of pleasure
when I first kissed you
in a very tender spot
you simply fainted with delight

then came a perfect summer day
we horsed around in splashing water
when suddenly
   the world went still
our play arrested
   in a frozen moment
   a time warp
     to eternity
you still were close in space
    yet worlds away
distance engraved forever
    as one some Grecian urn



I knew then
I would always be
      alone
to face myself
    at my time's end

later you said
that I had looked
like I had seen a ghost

how right you were
took me some time to recognize

it was the ghost
of my most inner self
looked back at me
   out of the glistening surface
       of the pool
   out of the cloudless summer sky
   out of your loving frightened eyes  

a self that had not then
   and still has not
      I am afraid
the strength to bare
his softness
   to the one he loves
trying to save
a shining image
   crystal clear
but in fact
dimmed long time ago
along the roads of life

perhaps it was this ghost
that made us
   grow    apart

you wanted all of me
   and more of us
while I was still a student
   with a goal
not ready yet
   (would I ever be?)
for close menage á deux
determined but uncertain
   in his quest for ...
   well - in his quest

the flames were hard to quench
a whisp brought embers to a blaze
    by the mere thought of you

we broke
   made up
     only to break again
talked over issues
   faint with sleepless nights
embraced with desperate passion
   for the last time
and then agreed to meet once more

at last we were burnt out
         and
   looking at the ashes
knew that we must have learned a lot
yet felt no wiser

   only  very  
        very  sad

*  *  

I won't apologize
For standing my ground
For the first time all these years
I will say I'm sorry I expected more
That I assumed you would
Actually fight for me
We were suppose to marry
And we were suppose to hold
Little spence or serenity
Suppose to argue over
Santa and the tooth fairy
Somehow we lost it all
All that's left is the duffle bag
In what was our room
In the end
I missed you
Because you had checked out
6 months prior to leaving
Slowly we died
Our dreams melted away
And I stood in the puddle of it
You stopped calling me beautiful
Started insulting the way I dressed
You stopped kissing me
And got angry when I asked
You stopped making love
And wondered why I cried
You stared at the television
As you thrusted into me
Emotionaless
Did you love me then?
Do you now?
Because even though
I hate what happened
What we became
I still remember
The day we ditched school
With no money
And explored
And I was freezing
So you offered me your leather jacket
That was always too small for me
I remember kissing in snow
Rain
And sunshine
I remember the way you wanted me
The hunger in your eyes all consuming
I remember the way
You held me
The way you laughed
And dreamed of fatherhood
I remember us in love
And I wonder
How could something
We fought so long for
Suddenly not work
How could you hold me
That night
Only to wake up
And leave me
How could you leave me
When all my life
I have asked for you to stay.

I am the one who
feel your love limit to sky

And

I am the one who proved
your sweet lies !!!