When something hurts you inside, you repel it until it's impossible to ignore. You deny that anything can touch you, harm you from the inside.
It's hard to be empty, but still feel the pain too.
It's hard to even know what you're feeling.
Or why you're feeling it.

I am so incredibly dissatisfied.
With my family,
my lover,
my life,
and myself.

All things that used to sate the hunger,
to feel something,
have ceased to conjure any reaction.
My heart,  
once erupting with passion and purpose
now lays dormant at my feet.

So  I cater to these emotional addictions,
like a ****** looking for their next fix.

I need more.


Hurt me
          **** me
                    Use me
                         then
Make sure you leave me,
you'll be doing both of us a favor.

And I will put back all of the p i e c e s      
I always liked puzzles.
Cutting up something beautiful
for leisure.

Sitting in silence, in her gold gilded cage
Filled with wistful wonder
With doors left open, fears are assuaged
Neither bound nor torn asunder

Yet broken wings cannot take flight
Even if she chose to try
Alone in a cage with no one in sight
She can't sing, but silently cries

Born to be loved in deep adoration
Her heart, won over with words
Consumed to ash in conflagration
A bird with no song to be heard

Here I lie, broken and shattered, thinking what difference would it make if I die
You think I am giving up on life without a try?

I haven't accepted my desolation and misery without a fight,
I just realised that at the end of this tunnel is no light

I've played out my cards, I have used every trick in the book,
The world has simply lost its colour, I wish you could look

It's like someone flips a coin and nothing seems right,
I am drained, I no longer have the instinct to fight.

I strived too hard to find the purpose of my existence but failed,
The boat which heads for a happy life has already sailed.

I hurt a man
Out of insensitivity
I hurt a man
Through thoughtless pride
I hurt a man
With my inner truths
I hurt a man
With insecurities
I hurt a man
Thinking he didn't care
I hurt a man
Who is my friend
I hurt a man
Who thought he loved me
I hurt a man

words spilled like syrup
tasted sugar sweet
at first
but then
left a bitter residue

gazing upon the empty words
breathes life as once she read
words on a page of nothingness
found love there in its stead
to know his soul as he doth hers
love never accepts defeat
though distance mars the loving hearts
for ne'er the twain shall meet

He took me by surprise,
and in a second I knew I was held,
captured,
only to be used,
I knew I could do nothing at all,
my feet were cold and his hands were armed,
he scratched me and molested me with all he had,
my neck was ****** and my heart went slow,
after having his fun,
he tightened his hold,
his work wasn't done until my body was sore,
he stomped me on the chest with his brand new boots,
hit my head and broke my arm with his beatings and his calm,
he wanted to see me dead now,
I gave him what he wanted,
as I could not move acted dead,
he left me dying told me his name was 'Angel',
my only company now was the silence of the trees,
*His name was Angel,
but evil were his deeds..

Rehearsal’s meant for perfection, but this is another stage.The act of doing. Blinded by the spotlight, struck still by the paralyzing heartbeat in my throat. And this is not the first time that I have been here, I am not proud to say. And I am unsure of which part I am more ashamed of: the fact that I felt the need to do, or that I lacked the courage to follow through. So here we are again, brought together by the forces of the wind. Being pulled together by the strings of our hearts, playing each other in the selfish game this has always been. It’s physics, no matter how far we run from each other, no matter how much blood was shed when I tried to cut you free, no matter how many cold shoulders we rested on at night; we always return to the same place, this same state. A vicious cycle that every time steals more and more of my sanity. I feel it slip through my fingers quicker each time and I claw and I claw my way to regain it, but there you are, holding it in your hand. A trophy. You’ve claimed everything of mine; maybe it was unknowingly so. But I have no tears left to shed, ducts dried and shriveled. I have not felt the knife of anger and sadness in my side for a long time, nor the relief of laughter and happiness; even on Friday nights when I’m laying next to you, under your covers. Just this terrible, aching numbness. This inhumane indifference that curdles at the pit of my stomach. I cannot daydream because I always somehow return back to you. And most nights I can’t fall asleep, but I’m more so afraid to. Of believing that you really are in front of me, brushing the hair out of my face and kissing my neck, just to wake up to a bed filled with haunting memories and a body aching with the desire to be held.
This cycle has to come to an end, and here we are. I stand there before you, silver blade of the knife shining from my hand. For the first time in an entire year, I finally evoke emotion. Your eyes grow wide with shock and fear like I’ve never seen before. I’m sure a while ago, accomplishment would have coursed through me. But I am only here to end this. To end your prolonged chapter of my life; overdue.
Give me an hour or so, I could name all the wrongdoings you’ve ever done. I could document and chronicle the periods of pain that have filled these past two years of my life, only to be broken by short bursts of shallow happiness. Although this is all true, I still love you. And I know once I walk away from here, the thought of you will continue to haunt every step of my life. Only worse, there would be no possibility of ever seeing you again.
There is no freedom from you in this world. Miles away, everything still reminds me of you. There is no killing you.
So I looked into your eyes, one last time, as I drew the blade through my throat.