I wield a non-physical entity buried underneath
subcutaneous tissue, muscles, and bones.
I can animate the principles of a living being with ease.
Though the essence of my soul is at war
with its own morality.
All the different aspects of me leak from my pores,
they burn my skin as if they weren't just a part of me.
others clash together and form into something unrecognizable.
I am in a battle between words and sensations.
A plethora of conflicts placed within me.
I am just an Individual.
I am one person and I hold the guilt of my innocence.
Hopefully one day the scales may tip in my favor.
I've thought of waving the white flag
having the potential to survive physical death.
I am a delicate being.
know that there's more inside of me
than what I allow you to see.

There's a blockage in my creativity pipe.
There's some potential I haven't tapped into yet,
I read old pieces and wonder
where is that inspiration?
I'd hate to think it's because I'm over the fact you left.
Why am I only able to create when my heart
doesn't function how it should?
The words are falling out of my head
I wish they would fall onto the page.
I used to be all the 3 "I's" in imagination
Originality ran through my blood
I could mold my pain into something so delicate.
I touched people's soul with a simple sentence.
And now I can't even create something I'm mildly okay with.
There's no endearment to kiss on letters.
Nothing to set my eyes on.
I guess alterations had to be made.
There's a blockage somewhere inside of me.
A change is coming.
This is more than a simple poem.
When you feel this lost, you are bound to find
what your soul is searching for.

When you lose your mind to find your soul.
There's pieces of you that are left behind on purpose.
Pieces that are lost from your mind,
that you have to find again.
Chunks of me were knocked out by devotion.
Blessed with gifts of a reconstructor,
Given the title "autodidact".
When all the love 1 human can channel has gone dismissed
Do you know how much willpower it takes
for that human to learn not just to love again
To love themselves over the expected limit.
I begin to think I've done it all wrong.
There's this selfish dedication that I have towards myself.
I refuse to indulge in any type of intimacy.
Afraid of picking up pieces that are supposed to be apart of me.
I can only allow myself to love me.
Anything other than that is foreign to me.
I do not need your commitment
I have shown myself that word is an understatement.
I wipe my own tears.
I hug myself.
I wake up and force myself to eat when I do not want too.
That is the allegiance I have for myself.
I do not NEED you.
So I HAVE TO be everything I want in the next so I do not
fail myself by begging like a dog just for reciprocation.
I'm labeled independent by some.
Characterized myself as foolish,
for not realizing that it is adequate for any version of love
to love me as much as I do.

a meditation on love

It is to
vibrate as high
as one can fathom
by laughing
with sweet thunder
to uplift the soul

To be in sync with
the natural world

To give thanks
to the higher force
surrounding
the all of life

To walk in kind loving steps
with gentle words on
the lips

Remembering who you are
existing in the sacred
arms of the holy fabric
of everything.

these days I analyze and modify my routine
each second I spend of the 24 hours,
with hope I can control the fluctuations of how I feel
in a day.
I brush my teeth, I critically think of everything,
I'm going insane.
I'm normal just like you.
I Feed myself scenarios and "what ifs" for breakfast
(I'm feeling all of it for a reason, it'll come back soon.)
Ponder much more, move much less.
I'm normal just like you.
I'm scanning over old art to feel the emotions I once felt,
(is it possible to feel comfortable within anger?
Shall I not propose a better path for myself?)
Then again, pondering more, moving very less.
I'm normal just like you
By the afternoon my conscious mind has ran it's way
through my past experiences
always giving me the urge to ask questions
I wish I didn't know the answer too.
I'm normal just like you
Now the world has shut down
and I sit in my room, empty mind
mouthful of smoke.
I'm able to see it all clearly,
I'm normal, the things I indulge in? Maybe not.
Do you remember who you were before the world
told you who you should be?

it's like my pen is filled with love instead of ink
and writes your name in the color of affection.
Missing you isn't
"I miss talking to him."
           or
  "I miss his laugh."
  even more not "I miss his voice."
it's pining the placidity behind your eyes,
seeing a sliver of your soul in a stare.
The way my name spirals off of your tongue
alerting the butterflies in my stomach to scatter.
The way your body was sculptured so perfectly.
Each muscle, every vein.
I thank whoever is up above and the time they took.
How the smile lines sit upon your face
and I see a glimpse of the child within you.
It's mostly the way you look at all I am
and see everything in nothing.
It's like my pen is filled with with love
the only difference is there's hints on melancholy
and writes your name in the color of woe.
Loving you isn't
   "I love his vibe."
        or
      "I love his style."
even more not "I love his personality."
It's me loving everything that makes you
who you are
Being present to watch
each birth
every era
into the person you become
it's wondering what can I do to assist you?
Giving you pieces of me without hindering myself.
it's knowing in this realm and outside of it
I will follow the traces of your essence
left on my path
I-
Great, now my pen is empty.
At least I'm still able to write your name in my head.

"I use my telescope at night, won't be for stars, instead I hope that I can love you from afar" -mts

I lose all sense of corporeality,
the saturation that fills the world
with the simple things
lose all color
I start to not be in tune with the hues anymore
and I can only find myself
in the walls of my own encephalon
there’s a familiarity that loiters my brain
I do not have the ability
to tap back into the actuality
of my own physical existence
all the pigmentation is gone
it’s like I’m sitting inside of my body
yearning to go somewhere else
there’s somewhere I have to be
and the disillusionment of reality
grasps onto my heart
and reminds me of the soul
that took the color of the world with him
with every step took back from mine
and instead of my world returning back,
flooded with saturation,
I see through the eyes of a poor soul
though not in wealth,
in a helpless brain stuck way.
I am chained to something unconditional
when will you bring back
all the colors you took with you?

I don’t need your time.
I have you in my head, heart, and soul.
But if you have nothing better to do,
I would never mind your time.
“If only… in some other universe, we had every waking minute for one another.”