I was over at the Church today
And saw a notice that was posted
There would be a Christmas sale
And by the ladies would be hosted
They didn't have a firm date set
And they weren't sure where to hold it
They barely even had a theme
But they sure knew who would host it
You'd surely think a Church event
Would be held inside the Church
But because the ladies could not agree
They were all left in the lurch.
The Church was booked right through the  1st
And the place they had to find
Would have to hold all 50 booths
To sell their wares of every kind,
They checked the ads for vacant halls
But they were already taken
Sister Eugenie "Better than you",
Said her faith was really shaken
That they would not come through this year
And the church they would let down
"We'll find a hall to hold this thing?"
"We'll tear apart this town"
Phone calls were made throughout the night
Notes and letters all were sent
Surely there was someone there
Who had a hall to rent
Without a hall there was no sense
In fact there was no reason
To start their crafts and baking bees
There was no reason for the season
They met as one and did decide
To ask the churches elders
If they could open up one day for them
By rescheduling the welders
They sat and talked and talked and sat
And lots of time was spent
But Father Reagan from the church
Said no, "And that is that"!
Time was quickly running out
When a message they were told
For Sister Eigenie "Better than you"
was left by a Mr. Gold
She called him up and let him know
Exactly what their needs were
He had exactly what they asked
Of this he could assure her
The only thing that he did ask
He had this one request
Was that his name be mentioned not.
At his families bequest.
He said he'd help them even more
And help fill up their tables
With baked goods, crafts and candles
And small models of the stables
Where Christ was born so long ago
He'd help them all he could
They all said yes to his demand
Things were looking good
They set to baking everything
Likes cookies and cream horns
Sister Eugenie "Better than you"
Made a jello "Crown of Thorns"
She was always different with
The things she baked and gave
Last Easter she spent two whole weeks
Making a Chocolate burial cave.
They did their crafts and made their things
and soon they all were ready
The big day came and the excitement
made the ladies a bit unsteady
ESpecially when they all arrived
At the address they'd been given
And there to meet them was a Man
Who said " I'm Rabbi Schiven"
This is a first for us you see
Our temple hosting Christmas
So, If we make a few mistakes
I'm sure you will forgive us
We've food prepared for you to sell
And crafts and sweaters too
I'm certain we will have the first
Christmas Bazzar run by jews.
We made some stockings too you see
By our bubbie known as Nora
There's a Star of David on One side
And on the other a Mennorrah!
Please take our gifts and go set up
And good luck on this day
And as a final parting word
Merry Christmas and OY VEY!!!

QUESTIONING SANTA (TUNE OF GOD BLESS YE MERRY GENTLEMEN)
by Roger Turner on Wednesday, 17 August 2011 at 17:16 ·

IF THERE IS JUST ONE SANTA CLAUS
WHY IS  IT THAT I MEET
A NEW ONE IN EACH SHOPPING MALL
AND TWO ON EVERY STREET

I'M JUST A KID AND YOU MUST KNOW
EXACTLY HOW I FEEL
PLEASE TELL ME,
WHICH ONE OF THEM IS REAL
WHICH ONE IS REAL,
PLEASE TELL ME WHICH ONE OF THEM IS REAL?

WHO IS THIS SANTA ANYWAY?
WHERE DOES HE GET THOSE TOYS?
HOW DOES HE PAY FOR ALL THOSE GIFTS
FOR ALL THE GIRLS AND BOYS?

I WONDER HOW HE PAYS FOR THEM
HOW DOES HE GET HIS DOUGH?
YES, I WONDER...WHERE DOES HE GET HIS DOUGH?
GET HIS DOUGH,
OH I WONDER WHERE DOES HE GET HIS DOUGH?

ANOTHER THING I WANT TO KNOW
IS HOW HIS REINDEER FLY?
HOW DO THEY GO FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE?
HOW DO THEY GO SO HIGH?

IT MUST BE SOMETHING MAGICAL
HE GIVES THEM IN THEIR FOOD
OH I WONDER ALOT ABOUT THIS DUDE
'BOUT THIS DUDE,
OH I WONDER ALOT ABOUT THIS DUDE

I TRY TO SEE HIM EVERY YEAR
AS HE COMES TO MY HOUSE
I SNEAK DOWNSTAIRS AT TEN TO TWELVE
I'M QUIET AS A MOUSE

BUT, EVERY YEAR I FALL ASLEEP
I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM YET
OH SANTA, I'LL SEE YOU SOON YOU BET
OH YOU BET!,
OH SANTA, I'LL SEE YOU SOON YOU BET

WRITTEN BY ROGER TURNER  NOVEMBER 1992

Santa sat and looked about the mess that lay before him
"How will I get these gifts all wrapped and gone by Christmas morning?"
The workshop looked as though it had been hit by a Tornado
But instead it was all the fault of *** he brought back from Tobago
A little shot in the elves egg nog would make them all work faster
But, as he saw the end result was short of a disaster
The more they drank the more they all got up and danced on tables
And in the end elf Juniper was left wearing only labels
She looked quite good despite her age, she was just about six thirty
And what she did with candy canes...well, you can say it was quite *****
The paper stretched from room to room, many miles were unravelled
Santa looked at the mess again, and thought "It's high time that I travelled"
He left the North to make a trip to hire cleaning staff
But , turned the reindeer right around, because he knew they'd laugh
How do you tell a person that you are about to hire
That the mess that they will soon clean up, is because my elves were wired
Santa thought that magic would be just the way to go
He would use it to clean up the mess, and nobody would know
The only problem with this stunt is that magic has a rule
He can only use it Christmas eve, it was not his private tool
The toys were strewn everywhere, and most were broke or nicked
He would have to wake the elves all up and to start things getting fixed
So, if you wake up Christmas morn and there is nought beneath your tree
Don't worry, Santas late, he should be there by three
He left a little late this year, but he will be by real quick
And he swore to never serve elves *****, or his name is not Saint Nick!

The Snow Lazily Falls To Earth,
As I Clutch My Elbows And Clench My Teeth,
As Goosebumps Rise Along My Spine,
I Love The Snow,
I Love The Feeling Of Cold Piercing My Skin,
The Snowflakes Melting,
Freezing Water Running Down My Temples,
I Breathe In The Frigid Wind,
Frozen Air Swelling In My Lungs,
It's Just Like My Dreams,
The Cold Robbing Me Of My Human Mind,
Taking Away My Troubles,
Helping Me Walk Along,
The Path Of My Brothers And Sisters,
Now I Ask You Frosty Wonder,
Could You Make A Dream Come True?

Ads for Christmas specials
Litter magazines and such
Oooh another Christmas Carol
Tiny Tim has a new crutch

A Christmas Story musical
The Rockettes on TV
I'd rather watch old re-runs
Of Andy Williams 'neath the tree

The stores are stocked, the lights are bright
There's tinsel everywhere
There's Romney and Obama Christmas tags
I mean is this really fair?

There's Kingdom of Thrones nativities
And guess who plays the baby
There' s something wrong inherently
When you stop to buy it...maybe.

Christmas got away from us
It's more commercial than I've seen
There's more crap on the shelves these days
Than there is at Hallowee'n

It's only just September
and I'm already done in
by my Christmas Season overload
I can't believe the state I'm in

What happened to Goodwill to Men
And Seasons Greetings at the mall
They've been replaced by anger
And gift cards that are given out by all

This year I have decided
to change how I celebrate this silly thing
I'm going home to bed right now
And I will Hibernate till spring !!!

I'M A SHOPPING CENTER SANTA CLAUS
FOR THREE WEEKS EVERY YEAR
IT PAYS MY RENT AND BUYS ME FOOD
AND BUYS A CASE OF BEER
I NEVER REALLY LIKED IT
'TILL ONE DAY TWO YEARS BACK
WHEN ONE SMALL CHILD ASKED ME
JUST HOW I FILLED MY SACK

I THOUGHT A BIT AND TOLD THE WAIF
THAT MAGIC FILLED IT UP
HER EYES GREW WIDE AS SAUCERS
JUST WAITING FOR A CUP
I TOLD HER HOW MY ELVES
MADE THE TOYS FOR ME TO GIVE
TO TAKE AROUND THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
WHERE ALL THE CHILDREN LIVE

SHE ASKED ME THEN WHY DID I NOT
FULFILL HER WISH LAST YEAR
I NOTICED THEN, HER EYES WELLED UP
AND I KNOW I SAW A TEAR
SHE SAID THAT HER POOR MOTHER
HAD LEFT AND RUN AWAY
SHE PACKED HER BAGS A YEAR AGO
AND LEFT ON CHRISTMAS DAY

SHE DIDN'T LEAVE ME ANY GIFTS
SHE SAID IN HER SMALL VOICE
SHE ONLY LEFT A LETTER SAYING
SHE HAD NOT OTHER CHOICE
SHE ASKED THAT WITH MY MAGIC
I MAKE HER WISH COME TRUE
I'D SAID I'D TRY TO DO IT
I WOULD SEE WHAT I COULD DO

I WIPED MY NOSE AND DRIED MY TEARS
AND PUT THE SMALL GIRL DOWN
SHE TURNED TO LEAVE AND WALK AWAY
HER COAT WAS CHOCOLATE BROWN
IT WAS A FEW DAYS LATER
THAT SHE CAME BACK TO MY CHAIR
HER EYES WERE BRIGHT AND SPARKLING
AND SHE WORE RIBBONS IN HER HAIR

THANK YOU SANTA FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE
THERE'S SOMEONE YOU SHOULD MEET
THIS IS MY MUM, SHE'S COME BACK HOME
SHE'S MY EARLY CHRISTMAS TREAT
YOUR MAGIC WORKED A MIRACLE
YOU MADE MY WISH COME TRUE
NOW I BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS
AND THE EASTER BUNNY TOO!

I DID NOT TRY TO FIND HER MUM
TO LIE WOULD NOT BE FAIR
BUT WHEN I LEFT THE MALL THAT NIGHT
I SAID A LITTLE PRAYER
I PRAYED TO GOD THAT SHE WOULD FIND
HER MOTHER BACK IN HER LIFE
AND THAT THIS SMALL, YOUNG CHILD
WOULD BE FREE FROM ANY STRIFE

I KNOW THAT IT'S A PIPE DREAM
LIKE WISHING ON A STAR
BUT I WISHED ON ONE A FEW YEARS BACK
AND SOMEONE HEARD ME FROM AFAR
I'M A SHOPPING CENTER SANTA CLAUS
FOR A WEEK OR MAYBE TWO
BUT LITTLE GIRL, WHEREVER YOU ARE
I STILL  BELIEVE IN YOU.

I'M SANTA IN THE TOWN PARADE
I SIT UP HERE AND FREEZE
AND FOR THREE WHOLE WEEKS AFTERWARDS
I SIT AT HOME AND SNEEZE
IT REALLY IS DEPRESSING
TO SIT HOME WITH A COLD
EACH YEAR I GET SICK EASIER
I GUESS I'M GETTING OLD

I'VE DONE THIS NOW FOR THIRTY YEARS
THE TIME'S GONE BY SO FAST
EACH YEAR I SIT AND TELL MYSELF
THIS YEAR WILL BE MY LAST
BUT EVERY TIME THEY PHONE ME
AND ASK ME "WILL I PLEASE?"
I TELL THEM THAT MOST CERTAINLY
I'LL COME ALONG AND FREEZE

I'VE SEEN SOME THINGS AS SANTA CLAUS
FROM UP ATOP MY SLEIGH
EACH YEAR THE FLOATS GET WILDER
IT REALLY MAKES MY DAY
I'M NOT THERE FOR THE MONEY
I DO IT FOR THE SIGHT
OF SEEING CHILDREN WAVE AT ME
WITH EYES AND SMILES BRIGHT

THEY'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER GUY
WHEN I GIVE UP THIS GIG
HE'LL HAVE TO BE A SPECIAL BLOKE
WITH A STOMACH ROUND AND BIG
HE HAS TO BE REAL JOLLY
AND ALSO VERY NICE
'CAUSE SITTING ON THIS SLEIGH EACH YEAR
CAN TURN YOUR ***** TO ICE!!!