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3.8k · Aug 2014
"Second Choice" 20w
Classified Aug 2014
Second choice
Backup plan
When all else fails

They are all the same thing.
They are all Me.
3.2k · Feb 2015
Classified Feb 2015
I feel that if our relationship were w video game
We had reached a check point.
And continued to strive further
But then yesterday killed you for a moment and set you back to the last saved point.
I know you're strong enought to take it, but I feel awful.
You're forgiven though.
I love you and I'm sorry for yesterday.
Classified Jun 2017
I go to sleep every night thinking
"I can't do this anymore... but I'll be fine tomorrow"

And I wake up every morning feeling
Regret and disappointment and sadness
Because I woke up.

How many more nights can you cry yourself to sleep
How many more mornings can you wake up and hate it
How many more naps can you take hoping you'll feel better when you get up
How many more days can you go through saying 'it's just a bad day'
How many more cuts can you bleed through hoping it'll help
How many more distractions can you go through keeping your mind off life.

But you go keep going
Thinking that The Sun Will Rise and We Will Try Again
2.6k · Mar 2014
A different type of poison.
Classified Mar 2014
As the poison ran through her veins
She started to lose control
Couldn't breathe
Couldn't talk
Couldn't move
Couldn't think about anything else.
The worst part is that she poisoned herself.

But she won't die, nor will she be okay.
Because this poison is a different kind.

The poison is hopelessness
Being let down
Negative thinking
This poison is her own creation
Specific to her
And the people she cares about can poison her just as easily as they can breathe.

Now she's sitting
Because the poison has circulated
And it's reached her heart.

But she won't die, nor will she be okay
Because this poison is a different kind.

She physically feels sick
She wants to die
To **** herself
To cut
And cry
But she can't.

Because this poison has paralysed her.

This poinsion has taken away
her will to breathe, not her breath itself.
Her will to move, not her mobility itself.
Her will to talk, not her speech itself.
But it has replaced every thought with that of a blade
Or a rope
Or a gun
Or a bottle
Or a pill
Or a lake
Or a building

This poison has polluted we mind and mingled with her blood. The will to **** is a part of her now and there is nothing she can do to escape that.

Despite wanting to sleep for eternity six foot under
This poison cannot **** her
Only she can
And she is close
And willing
And weak enough to attempt.

She cannot think of anything else
And it's all her fault

She created this
She started it all.
If she had succeeded last year, she wouldn't be around to have created this poison.

So until she has hit rock bottom and has a chance at succeeding
She will try to drown her demons
Suffocate her demons
Bleed herself dry of the poison
Consume enough alcohol to alter the poison

But she won't die, nor will she be okay
Because this is a different kind of poison
And she is already dead inside.
This just happened. Sorry it's a crap piece.

P.S. feelings ****.
2.0k · Apr 2014
Street Lamp
Classified Apr 2014
The lonely lamp
Abandoned in the street
With its dim light.

At a glance, you'd think it's just
A street lamp
But everyone and everything has a story.

If you look closer, you'll see the scratches and dents,
The marks people left behind

It's alone and solitary

It's light will fade, and during the day it becomes pointless
But at night
It can light the way for some lonely souls
But for some damaged people
That lonely
Street lamp
Can be a reminder that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I Wish I Could Cry asked me to write about a Street Lamp. So here it is.
1.9k · Nov 2014
Classified Nov 2014

These are the things She strives for

Perfection to get attention to gain affection

But what is perfection?
She starves so She can be skinny, even when She's told She has a **** body
She cuts to punish Herself for eating, yet sees Her scars as imperfections
She puts on make up so She can be pretty, even though She is told She is beautiful
She straightens Her hair to look perfect, even though She is told She looks pretty anyway.

When will She be perfect?

She dresses up,
dumbes it down,
changes Herself
but is let down.

When will She be perfect?

She tries to capture the attention of men and and gain their affection,
But shys away from affection, emotion and the human touch.

When will She be perfect?*

Maybe She will be perfect when she changes Her definition of 'perfection'
It doesn't bother me that I'm told I'm perfect.
It bothers me that I am not my definition of perfect.
1.6k · Apr 2014
What Upset You?
Classified Apr 2014
What upset you?
That He chose Her over You?


What upset you      is
That He will never have to chose between Her and You
            Space waster
             Good for nothing
               Disgrace of humanity
That no one would every chose you
Especially not when given an option
  as amazing as Her
        And no one half as brilliant as
     He is would ever look at you

Him being nice to you means nothing - he is a kind person
You being there for Him means nothing - you were the only one online
Her being with Him means everything - he really likes her

So what upset you?
The fact that you're not worth so much as knowing your name,
   let alone choosing over someone
Classified Jun 2014
The way her eyes portray so much and are so deep, so beautiful and so captivating

Infatuation makes you lose sense.

The curve of her waist that leads to her hips enchants and intices me

Infatuation makes you lose sense.

The shape of her lips invite me and excite me

Infatuation makes you lose sense.

The ***** of her neck to her chest to her breast intrigues me and causes me to long to explore it with my lips

Infatuation makes you lose sense.

Her being is vivacious

*Infatuation makes you lose sense
Do you know where the line is between Infatuation and Love? Because they are two wry different things.
1.2k · Sep 2014
Classified Sep 2014
The empty space on my bed where you should be is occupied only by the thought of you

The empty curve of my waist where your arm should be resting is filled only by the desire for it to be there

The empty space between my fingers where yours should be entwined with mine is occupied only by the thought of it happening

The empty feeling of my lips without the company of yours is filled with the impossible wish
Um... I don't know, yeah.
1.0k · Apr 2014
What was your intention
Classified Apr 2014
You asked me do I hate you
You asked me do I believe you
You asked me why I trust you

What was your intention ?

When I answered

What was your intention

Did you aim to make me hate you
Did you try to make me disbelieving
Did you want to break my trust in you

What was your intention

I told you to hurt me.
You said no

What was your intention

I dared you to hurt me
And you said you would never intentionally hurt me

What was your intention

And then you did
And you told me it was intentional

What was your intention

What the **** do you want from me??!
What the **** do you want me to do??!
What the **** was I thinking??!
What the **** was your intention??!
I know you hurt
I know you cry
I know you don't want to breathe
And I'm sorry
I'm so so sorry
916 · Feb 2014
Don't Come Knocking
Classified Feb 2014
Hanging from the rafters,
Bleeding on the floor,
Whatever you must do, don't come knocking on my door.

Hanging from the rafters,
Bleeding on the floor,
The scene you'd see in front of you holds a lot of blood and gore.

Hanging from the rafters,
Bleeding on the floor,
The sight of me would make you wish you could change it before.

Hanging from the rafters.
Bleeding on the floor.
Whatever you must do,
Don't come knocking on my door.
Don't come knocking on my door. Don't come knocking on my door.  
Don't come knocking on my door.
Don't come knocking...
904 · Jun 2014
Third Person.
Classified Jun 2014
Its just something she does. She gets like that.
She will over think and make herself unnecessarily anxious. She might even make herself sick.
She will hate herself and think she is hideous. She might even punish herself for it.
She will freak out and stress herself out so much. She might even work herself to tears.
She will get so bad she can't control when she feels or when she's numb. She might even bring me back.

I freak her out
I make her forget
I control her.
But I'm not real and she knows that.
She just pretends to get a distraction.
I'm not real.
**She's the monster.
Classified Mar 2014
We want to be noticed.
We want to be more than just a name  Or a face.
Or a label  Or a race.
We do t want to be just a stereotype,
A generalization.
We want to be known as more than African, Greek or Taiwanese.

We want to be noticed.

I am neither proud nor ashamed to be an African.
I am me.
I am some of the best and worst parts if an African. Of a person.
Of a daughter, sister, friend.
But I am me.

We all want to die a heroes death,
To be remembered,
Go down fighting, like so many of the people that shaped our country to make it what it is today.
But do you think they all put themselves in harms way to be famous after they died?
Do you believe Nelson Mandela fought for freedom so he could get a stature of himself?
Or places named after him?
Or to get his face on our money?

I am neither proud nor ashamed to be an African.
But I am content to live a life that will not make it into the newspaper , or history books.

I am content to live and die as a person I want to be.

I am neither proud nor ashamed to be an African. But I am honored to feature in others lives.
I want to be noticed for being a person I am proud of, not ashamed of.
And not only and African, but an **individual
Speech I wrote for English. Topic: I am ashamed to be an African or I am proud to be an African.

The quote used in the title is credited to John Green. Taken from " The Fault In Our Stars".
I take no credit for the quote, nor the book.

Thank you for reading.
867 · May 2014
Explain it to me.
Classified May 2014
In a world of male vs. female
brain vs. brawn
good vs. evil
heaven vs. hell
skinny vs. fat
***** vs. player
pretty vs. ugly
popular vs. loner
How are you supposed to find yourself.
Society puts out so many labels and stereotypes
Demand you join one
(Heaven help you if you pic conflicting catagories)
And then judges you either way.

If you're a girl
You're too masculine if your strong
You're too Girly if you're weak
You're pretty if you have long hair
You're lesbian if you have short hair
You're a **** if you have revealing clothing
You're a nun if you cover up
And so on.

If you're a guy you're popular of you're strong
You're gay if you're weak
You're unattractive if you're skinny
You're perfect if you're ripped
You're a player if you get with more than one girl
You're pathetic if you haven't even kissed someone

In a world of double standards
You're expected to be badass
Wanna be

How are you supposed to choose ?
Heaven forbid you're smart and ripped
Heaven forbid you're skinny and a ******
Heaven forbid you're popular and 'Emo''
Heaven forbid you're badass and nerdy

You're told to make your own choices and just be who you are
But then you are judged
Put down
By being who you are.
To the point where you are being told to and forced to change so much that you lose who you originally were
You second guess every choice you've made since thy lead you to who you are today
And you always feel like you should be something wake to the point where you have no idea anymore how to even catagories yourself.

In a world of double standards
And today's society
Finding who you are and making your own path and controlling your life is the biggest challenge of all.
Fml. Still numb. Out of ideas to write. And writing isn't breaking the daze
813 · May 2017
Weary Perfection.
Classified May 2017
Be as weary of Perfection as She is of You.

She'll become a craving, a need, a drug.

It starts off slow, until you get a taste.

Dark, inevitable, curious and sloppy; You get your first taste of Her. Casual and carefree, sloppy and fluid.

It picks up momentum when you go back.

Hopeful, deliberated, secondguessed and spontaneous; You get your second taste of Her. Slow and careful, foreign and desired.

It gathers speed when you stumble back.

Wanted, craved, longed for and dreamed about; You get your third taste of Her. Rushed and impulsive, lust-filled and needy.

It goes downhill when you are already waiting.

Anticipated, eager, excited and anxious; You get your fourth taste of Her. Explosive and passionate, raw and craved.

Gaining momentum and escalating further when you do not leave.

Built-up, painful, needed and difficult.
You get your fifth taste of Her. Rough and sharp, painful and needed.

Now you have the taste and it's no longer controlled.

Dangerous, destructive, unsustainable and fascinating. You want more of Her. Curious and captivating, different and the exception.

Inevitable in its destruction and absence when you fall.

Poisonous, addictive, toxic and intoxicating. You need Her. Craved and harmful, exciting and deadly.

Be as weary of Perfection as She is of you.
You'll get hooked on the feeling. A.R.C
Classified Feb 2014
Watching the world rush by
As she drives by
Just to go get high
By herself.
She's alone
With no home
She needs a distraction,
So he seeks to get high as the queen on the throne.

She loses focus
Looking at something beautiful
Caught in the shadows
Hidden in a tree
That thing in there reminds me of me.
But without that focus,
That loss of attention,
That longing for affection
Seeking perfection
She pays the price.
She can't look twice.
She lost focus
Lack of attention results in no hope for affection, impossible for perfection because now she is doomed in dejection, dead.
You're a fool to believe in correction.
"She was so young" you'd say,
But breathing, your attention you did not pay, but now,
She got her distraction, her high
She believed she could fly.
Never did you believe that that last hit would ever be her *goodbye.
718 · Aug 2014
Sweet Melodies
Classified Aug 2014
I want your fingers to kiss my skin, like a pianists kiss the keys

I want your lips to explore mine like music explores the air

I want your body to press against mine like the musicians foot against the pedal

I want us to work together like string and damper

I want to feel your presence like a song stuck on my head

I want to be your everything like music is so me.
****** music analogies, I don't know,sorry
689 · Apr 2014
The Memory-Mayday Parade
Classified Apr 2014
"Walk away
Barely breathing
As I'm lying on the floor
Take my heart
As you're leaving
I don't need it anymore"

Turn your back on me
And walk away
So you don't have to see
My pain.

Leave me broken and bruised
Scared, scarred and abused.
Turn your back on me so you don't have to feel guilty about leaving my soul marred.

Take my heart
as you're leaving
I don't need it anymore*

Take my heart with you
Because it is yours
It is yours because then, it was only beating for you.
It is yours .
I can't live without you
But I'm already dead inside.
Take your heart
And leave me heartless
Because no one has ever loved me enough
Take your heart of mine
Break it up
Crumble it
Trample it
Crush it
Destroy it
And use the tiny pieces of it to make your heart whole
Because it is your heart
And yours alone
I will never take the pieces back
Because I lost my heart to you from the moment we met
You had me at hello.

So take your heart of mine
Turn your back on me
And walk away.
But before you go
Kiss my lips and steal my breath
So I may die a peaceful death.
Inspired by a Mayday Parade song "The Memory" and I quoted a part of it to open the poem.
And there are a couple of song references in there I think, so yeah. Piece of crap, but I like the last verse.
682 · May 2014
My daze are numbered
Classified May 2014
I am not numb
For numb is having emotions too much to bare
Too complicated to sift through
Too tangle up to sort out
Too overwhelming to rise above
That everything just merges into nothing.

Manic antics.
No longer unmotivated
No longer too scared to try
No longer too pained to care
No longer too hurt to love.
The threads you were hanging on by we're annihalated.
But you're not falling
Or panicking
Or soaring
Or dying
You're just existing.
Going through the motions of the decent or the flight.
Taking everything in your stride.
Not faltering
Not altering the way you do things.
Everything is transformed
Emotion feels nonexistent
And thoughts become frail.

But my days are numbered.
Not because I can't feel
Or won't feel
But because everything is mediocre.
Soaring is going up
Plummeting is going down
Rising above the **** is up
Being in he'll is going down
Torture is annoying pain
Euphoria is mild joyfulness
Depression is a shadow
Love is a fleck of light
Being haunted is remembering
Thoughts are just there
And my existence is passing me by.

My days are numbered
Because my torturous reward is this cage.
This daze
This haze
This maze of feelings
Impossible to navigate when everything is foggy.

My days are numbered
Because when you push something so far away
You're just giving it momentum to hit monumentally harder.  
And I can't escape this daze
But when I'm released...
I fear the outcome.
Too dazed and not present to write anything true, heartfelt or decent. Sorry.
Classified Apr 2014
everything You touch turns to gold

and that's a good thing

i have had the priveledge of being touched by Your beauty






good spirits

and i turned to gold

for a moment

i was something of worth

if not to You

to someone

and that knowledge in itself

that i was gold

and gold is precious



sought after

and that was me

for a little while

because everything You touch turns to gold

but the beauty has faded

the value dropped

the demand has decreased

and i am back to being me

being more worthless than all my uttered apologies

more unwanted than the memory of my existence

less desired than the plague

because nothing gold can stay

and You moved on to bless another's life

while i stayed in Your past because i was too weak to follow
Nothing gold can stay
654 · Apr 2014
Classified Apr 2014
I am not who I seem
I will never be that girl from your dream.

If you start to care
You'll see what isn't there
You will see past that girl who wears black and scowled at pink and dresses
Wants to be a rebel
Wants to be a badass
Wants to be cool
You will learn to see past that exterior
You will know I'm not all attitude and insults
You will realize that that girl who cusses and fights isn't all there is

Then maybe you'll see deeper.
There's another girl
One who wants to dress up
Feel pretty
Wants to be a princess
Someone who wants to be like the people she admires
A little girl who wants to be cute with a guy
Someone who wants to skip around and be one of those lead people in the movies
Someone who cares
Appreciates beauty in butterflies
Tries to help her friends
Loves very easily and quickly
Deep down you'll see that I'm actually a fragile softie who cares too quickly
Gets hurt too easily
And apologizes too much.

Even below that is the person who is unhappy
The one who is self hate
The little sad girl that slits her skin and cries herself to sleep

But maybe I you manage to survive all that without letting all my **** destroy you (like it has so many others)
Then maybe
Just maybe
You'll get to meet Them
The part of me that created the 5 minute death game
The part that looked up how to tie a noose
And the one that collects pills
The self torturous part
Not just the fel pitying part

And then maybe if you manage to get through all of that you will find my heart
Cut up
And infected
Chained to the walls I build around myself
Pulling me apart
The heart that has bullet holes and battle wounds
The one leaving blood stains on what was my soul
The black mass of hell that is at the center of my being.
An if you're stupid enough, you'll make me love you.
But to be honest , I don't know who the **** I am.
638 · May 2014
Classified May 2014
Changing, turning over a new leaf
Isn't always for the best.

I changed dramatically since I started highschool and have been growing into that new person
Excruciatingly slowly
I've been learning to accept used a I am
Micrometer by micrometer

But then you just swoop in
Take me back to everything I was in grade 8
Easy to hurt
A push over
A cutter...

Yes. One person managed to ruin me.
In two days.

And I don't know how to revive myself from this
Stupidly pathetic rant
Classified May 2014
Hi Classified*

I drank again. A few weeks ago. I thought I could control it. It helped.
But I loved it. It felt good to be drinking again.
But it's not just any drink. It's a specific red wine.
I was drinking up until about a week ago, but I thought someone was on to my habit , so I slowed down.
Now its nothing, just a sip every now and again, reminding me that there is always the drink. it will never leave. It's reliable
But then I remembered that there was this drink that I got into a while back. It was a whiskey. It burned me, but i liked it
And today a friend of mine gave me some. Put the bottle in my hand. And I didn't mean to. But I drank some of it. Just a tiny bit. And it burned and reminded me how much I like it
And that is my story.

Based on a thing I saw on a tv show. It *****, deal with it.
546 · Aug 2014
Classified Aug 2014
the most ancient reason there is.

we do things in order to gain approval
or avoid judgement.

we will wear masks to hide our faces, thoughts, and personalities, to shield that which we think will be judged, in order to gain acceptance.

we will do things, say things, and even be things to gain approval, even if we disapprove of it.  

we are the fake at generation, ruled by fear and raised to be rebels.

my mask is a ***** who over estimates herself and doesn't care about others and never gets scared.
But how long can one stay in character, before they become the character...
and aren't they one in the same...

the best lies are based on the most truth.
therefore the masks we wear and the facades we create that earn us the approval and exile us from judgement, are the most believeable lies, which shows that the character, scriptwriter and actor are all the same.

so just how fake are we...?
545 · Nov 2014
Empty Bed Syndrome
Classified Nov 2014
my bed haunts me
not because you're not in it
but because it brings back the memories of when you were...
your hand gently over mine as We held each other
your chest pressed against my back as We moulded as One
your feet entwined with mine as We grew closer
and eventually,
your lips against mine as We reinforced the Shared words

**i love you
540 · Jun 2014
Help Me
Classified Jun 2014
Help me find a reason not to give up.
Help me find a reason to actually give a ****.

Don't tell me it gets worse before it gets better, because every time I hit rock bottom I start digging six feet under.

Help me see the light again
Help me see through all my pain

Don't tell me others have it worse because I know that I have no right to be sad but I didn't ask for this curse.

Help me stand up when I get knocked down
Help me support myself when I'm on shaky ground.

Don't tell me my scars mean I've been through hell and survived and that I'm strong enough to carry on, because I believe that I deserve nothing but to die.

Help me learn to love me as I am
Help me not to change my life to fit someone else's plan
516 · Jun 2014
I want to know
Classified Jun 2014
Fear or rejection risks perfection.
One can be so confident
Or unconfident
Perfectly imperfect in someone's eyes
But they will not put anything on the line to get what they want.

Avoiding the risk of failure and potentially deprive you of happiness later.
If you're too scared to put yourself out there and take it as it comes
Then maybe you're not able to handle either outcome.

No risk, no reward
If you don't take the leap you won't have the oppertunity to fly like a bird
If the response truly meant enough to you, it would outweigh the fear and you would follow through.

If you're asking me what to do, that means you need instructions on how to follow through
If you need guidance on this I don't believe it means that much to you.
**** stupid rambling
507 · Sep 2014
Classified Sep 2014
wrap me in Your dark embrace
pull me close
kiss my neck
my wrists
my scars.

make me fall for You
when i've got the noose around my neck.

people are scared of you
but i don't fear you any more
our late night meetings have got me aquatinted with you
You're always there for me
even in my shadows absence

You overwhelm me
take my breath away
make my hear skip a beat
or stop beating all together

We have a date
and i'm counting down the days until i finally meet you
all the teasing
half meeting
i will be with You
we will be one.

take me away with You
my love
let us live in our kingdom
Open to interpretation, let me know what you think. I know exactly what I was referring to and who I was talking about, but let me know what you think.
504 · Apr 2014
He said, She said
Classified Apr 2014
I told you I trusted you
I told you I loved you
I told you I care
I told you I try to help
I told you I believe you

You told me you loved me
You told me you cared
You told me to trust you
You told me I was important
You told me you would never intentionally hurt me

And I was stupid enough to believe it all.
You knew what you were doing.
Classified Apr 2014
So I can't get what I want.

is pointless
Wishes don't come true.

Shooting stars
are stupid to wish upon
They're already dead.

i wish...
That I could hug someone right now
Fall asleep in someone's arms
Feel safe
Be close to someone
Know what to say to Him
Have someone care enough to kiss my lips
Have someone to caress my heart
And feel my love

i wish...
That I had a shoulder to cry on
Someone to wipe away my tears
Hold me when I need it
Place my had in theirs
Tell me I'm beautiful
       and mean it
See my scars
       and love me more.

i wish...
That I had the strength to **** myself
To drink the bleach
Hang the noose
Load the gun
Get onto the roof
      and jump
Step in front of the car
Leap off the bridge
Bleed myself dry

But the world is not a wish granting factory
So I can't get what I want.
John Green quote used again.
475 · May 2014
I Should Be In Jail.
Classified May 2014
This is my confession statement.
I fantasize abou torture and killing
How to cover it up
Where the best place for ****** is
How to have the least witnesses
Ways to avoid emotional damage of the people who see the bodies.

Now for the confession.
I have tried to ****.
More than once.
I make people cry.
I torture.

It's story time.
Here's some background.
There is this girl. She's the ugliest thing on this planet, and she's overweight. She has no friends and used to be a complete loner.

And I found my love and addiction to torture through her. I would cut her. I would take my knives and drag them across her skin. Sometimes over and over and over again in the same wound.
She will never forget me or what she is. I made permanently sure.

Now comes the interesting part. Her existence welcomed me into the darkness of her heart.
I didn't always hate her.
There was some part of me still left that didn't have the heart to put all my effort into killing her. For a while.
I started to like it though.
I attempted and pretended to **** her a lot. More times than I can count on two hands. And I liked it. I scared her so much and I helped teach her her worthlessness. I helped open her eyes to how terrible she is.
And here's a secret. I made her love those headaches she got from lack of oxygen she got when I would tighten the noose around her neck.
I made her beg for death but took away her oppertunity.
I hit, punched, sleep deprived, cut, burned, carved, scratched, pulled out hair, force fed pills, mentally tortured and oxygent deprived this stupid, ugly, useless, unwanted, weak, pathetic girl.
However, I never fully followed through.
Which is why I can write this.
I don't know. No comment from my side.
475 · Apr 2014
Dear Me.
Classified Apr 2014
As ugly as you think you are.
You are wrong.
You're hideous
Atrocious looking
Scarily unattractive

As mean and awful as you think you are.
You are wrong.
You're disgraceful to the human race
A terrible person
A horrendous representation
A stupid waste of air an space

As messed up a you think you are
You are wrong.
You are so far gone that not even a saint could save you
So ******* up in your mind that you'd give a serial ****** killer nightmares
So doomed that your holiday spot is hell.

Worst of wishes and muh hate
K.A, E.N, M.V/A, T.E and a few others have treated you far too kindly.
I deserve nothing more than to die the most drawn out and painful death that can be thought up.
Classified Feb 2016
Your quick kiss is what I've been waiting for. Longing for. Lusting for.
The icy feeling pressed against my skin, sharp and needy.

I know you're no good for me, I tried to stay away. But the desire was too strong. The need.

It's been building for a long time. I needed release.
No more foreplay, I wanted to go all the way.

And I did. I finally gathered the courage, and I am enjoying the blissful aftermath.
454 · May 2017
Classified May 2017
It starts off small.
Creeps into your life.
Under your radar.
You think nothing of it.

It grows bigger.
More prominent in your life.
You agknowledge it.

It becomes big.
You are now used to it in your life.
You start to like it.

It is enormous.
You want it in your life.
You know you like it.

It is monumental.
You like it in your life.
You value it.

It is your world.
You cannot live without it.
You love it.
450 · Jul 2014
Poisoned Blood
Classified Jul 2014
We will sit
We will talk
We will laugh
We will cry

We will cut
We will burn
We will drink
We will starve

We will think
We will share
We will feel
We will trust

We will compare
We will harm
We will swap
We will injure

Let your blood poision mine
And mine to the same to yours
Let me dilute the effects of the alcohol with my own poinsion
Let you share the effects of the drink and get me drunk on your love

Let us rant
Let us feel
Let us rage
Let us vent

Let us breathe
Let us survive
Let us dig
Let us live

Let us bound
Let us leap
Let us soar
Let us fly
And never come back down again.

Wanted to write, didn't work, over thought, didn't work. Meh, I can't write anything decer at the best of times.
438 · May 2014
There Is Always More
Classified May 2014
There will always be someone more important.
With parents it's always the first born.
With siblings it's always friends.
With friends it's always  partners.
With partners.... Well , I wouldn't know. I've never had one.

There is always someone more important than me.
And this is what I'll never say out loud,
Or to your face,
Because its too selfish.
I'm too selfish.
But with R.H there's S,
With C.G there's M,
With Z. D/K there's J,
With B.H it's  A,
With M.H it's  L,
With K.H it's Him,
With K.A it's himself.
With A.T it's others.
With me? I don't know.
With me it's You. It's Him. It's Them. It's anyone but myself.  

It is a selfish thought
A selfish feeling,
But I am a selfish being.
The point is. That I feel unimportant.
You tell me you love me. You tell me I'm important.
But no matter how much you say it
you love her more. She is more important.
There will always be another that is valued above me. Valued above all. And it will never be me.

And that destroys me.

That is why I always bring up our girlfriend. Or boyfriend. Or person you're always with. Or person you're always talking about.
I rub it in my face.
I make sure that I know
At most
I'm second best.

*There is *always more.
438 · Apr 2014
Classified Apr 2014
[ dih- pen -d uh ns ]
1. the state of relying on or needing someone or something for aid, support, or the like.
2. reliance; confidence; trust: Her complete reliability earned her our dependence.
an object of reliance or trust.
3. the state of being conditional or contingent on something, as through a natural or logical sequence: the dependence of an effect upon a cause.
4. the state of being psychologically or physiologically dependent on a drug after a prolonged period of use.

I depend too much.
I depended on people a lot, and they left.
I depended on my blades, and they got taken away.
I depended on my feelings, and they faded.

I relied on people.
I used a sharpener as my drug of choice.
I used feelings as my anchor.

And now I have a new person I depend on
A new drug
A new feeling

And the problem is that I believe him when he says he will stay,
I believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful,
I believe him when he says "I love you"

But that is what scares me.
When he leaves, I'll crumble.
I'll remember I'll never be anything close to beautiful.
I'll know I'll never be loved and I will struggle even more to love again
Because he has enough of me to break my heart and tear me apart.

I depend on him too much.
"Never depend on anything in this world, because even your shadow leaves you when you're in darkness"
437 · Apr 2014
This is my goodbye.
Classified Apr 2014
But because of the kind words you
and Sent
To me
It is not a permanent goodbye
Or even the though of one.

Because of what you have
and Sent
To me
It is just a silly goodnight note
From a stupid girl
To an amazing person,
An unimportant rambling
From a insignificant girl
To a monumental person
A pointless letter
From a waste-of-space girl
To a superior person
A unnecessary reminder
From a useless girl
To the most valued person

This is a goodnight
And a have a good weekend
And a enjoy your next few days
From a horrible person
A repulsive person
A unenjoyable person
To a great man
A fantastic man
A most enjoyable person

I am/was away for the weekend and won't  be communicating/wasn't communicating
But I hope you enjoy/ed the exchange
436 · Jul 2014
I want.... *TW*
Classified Jul 2014
I want the last thing I see to be the thick, dark, liquid life that is my blood, being pumped out of my body as I stumble into isolation to die.

I want to feel the quick, sharp, searing pain of the cut, before it escalates onto the buzz, as I drag the blade as swiftly up my wrist as a bird of prey catches its food.

I want my vision to blur, and my head to pound as the lack of blood in my body attempts to keep me alive, as I walk away from everything.

I want to feel the tears slipping down my cheeks to join with the blood pooling, the perfect coushining for my death bed.

I want to attempt to croak out one last apology as I crumple on the floor, to have my final minutes in pain.

I want to be conscious until the life is finally freed from captivity in my body, not passed out in a pathetic attempt to save myself.

I want to rip my skin apart and destroy my cage as my breath escapes to fly with the birds as my being slips away forever.

I want to be reduced to dust and set free
Finally free of the boundaries life and mortality placed on me.
Classified Mar 2014
I am a terrible person.
Thinking of your lips and craving for your body
Wanting to be close to you, more than any other.
Speaking everyday
You seem to try to make me trip up and fall for you

The truth is that, in person
You differ from who I long for.
It is hard to describe,
And even harder to comprehend.
But so comfortable over the phone, you joke, I laugh
But when we are together, all those messages get erased.
You do not wish to be there,
You are not phased
By my presence, as I am yours.

"I would have been very surprised, kissed back..."
Impossible. He removes himself from your affection.
You should have...
No, you would have made it worse
He says you're pretty, interesting and cool
No, he is playing you for the fool

Do not fall in love with that which your brain perceives to you as true
I am a terrible person
And will only
Cause harm
To any and all.

I am the option No One should have chosen or ever choose. I am too messed up and broken for anyone to love, or anyone to fix

Stop your childish games. No one could ever love you, let alone Him. Just try your best to not hurt him and do anything to make Him happy.*
I promise, on my life.
Friday night out made me think a lot.
Pity that even the setting of one day and the dawn of the other cannot hold my thoughts at bay.
I just want them to go away.
Nothing gold can stay.
431 · Mar 2014
Classified Mar 2014
I have a hamartia. A fatal flaw.
For some its smoking, others pride, arrogance, ignorance, but mine is fear.
Some question how I am so fearless.
Others tell me to drop the act.
But my answer to both of those comments , is you're wrong. I'm not fearless or acting. I am fear itself.
It has not consumed me, but created me.
I live on is, strive on it and will die because of it.
So yes, I have a hamartia. A fatal flaw. It is fear. And it will be the death of me.
424 · Jun 2014
Classified Jun 2014
"Your mom got ****** and said 'oh ****' there's you for an ugly daughter."
"you're more of a man than anyone could be"
"******* ****"
"I hate you"*

i look at myself in the mirror for one last time.
i recall those words, those insults you used to chime.

walking away from my reflection, while a tear rolls down my cheek
i cannot help but to think of all the times i used to be so weak.

crossing the room as i gather up my strength
to breathe deep my final breath.

reaching my destination
I pick up the gun in anticipation

putting my finger on the trigger and the muzzle to my head
i  try not to think about what it's like to be dead.

i close my eyes, whisper a silent goodbye
as the breath leaves my body and I become lifeless and die.
Feel free to share your thoughts.
423 · Apr 2014
The count down to the end
Classified Apr 2014
10 regrets
9 new cuts
8 hours of fear
7 hours of sleep
6 tears cried
5 feelings I cannot express
4 thoughts I can't share
3 words I struggle to say
2 emotions I can actually feel
1 more breath
0 more f**ks to give

Inspired by I Wish I Could Cry's pieces titled "the countdown to the end"
421 · May 2014
Classified May 2014
Why do you write?
i write because it helps me get to know myself better and understand what is going on in my head, what I'm feeling and how to get through it. It helps me figure out how to deal with my desires and secrets
-shrug- boredom

Why do you think so badly about yourself?
because its true and I'm awful and horrible and rude and violet and unlovable and unaffectionate and mean and spiteful and ****** and hideous
i just do

I love you
i love you too, but you'll leave and I can't tell you how I feel and maybe I'm reading too much into it and maybe you don't mean it in the way I interpret it and you'll move on and get over it and no one can ever love me, it's not true
Interpret if you want. My writing isn't going anywhere these days. Ugh. No comment.
408 · May 2014
Classified May 2014
It's such a personal word
We all cry differently
At different times
With different thoughts
And we all draw different reactions when we cry
We all have different perceptions of crying

Crying doesn't always mean tears
You can cry out someone's name in a moment of passion , or pain, or rage
You can let tears slide down your face in a moment of happiness, sadness, or pain

When I cry
I show my faults
And my weaknesses
I show how easy it is to break me
And how easily I get hurt.

So I refuse to cry.
I wish I couldn't cry.
And right now, I wish I would die.
382 · Jun 2014
Classified Jun 2014
Words never seem to suffice when feelings are involved
My tongue ties in knots even a scout would walk away from when emotions get mixed in

I'm either detached
Or over attached

I'm scared or angry or sad
I want to comfort you and make you joyous and happy

My factory setting is numb and I revert to that when I have to be objective or help people

When you open your heart I close mine because that is my default reaction

Claw at me
Scratch me
Bite me
To open my heart

Kiss me
Love me
Comfort me
To clear the numbness

Break my bad habits
Not my heart.
I don't know, trying to prevent numbness but its not working. Bad writing, I know.
Classified Apr 2014
so I can't get what I want

And what I want is to be pretty.
I know it's shallow and superficial
But I don't want to be a model
Or on the cover of magazines
Or really popular because of it.
I want to be ordinary but breathtaking.
I remember once that I saw a woman at the theatre , and I looked at her and was speechless. She was not extravagantly dressed or over loaded in make up and neither did she have incredibly skimpy clothes on
But I was literally breathless at her beauty. And I've never forgotten her.
Or that glimpse of her.

That is what I want.
I want to be a normal person who has an impact on others because of my pure beauty.

but the world is not a wish granting factory
so I can't get what I want
The italics is a true story.
And because I can't get what I want
I'm stuck  being
379 · May 2014
Lets play a game.
Classified May 2014
You toy with my feelings
And play with my mind.
Make me believe you left me behind.

Eye will count two ten
You hide until then.
Eye will start two search four you, but don't tell me when.

Or maybe play hop scotch
Trample all over my feelings while they watch
Raise the standard up a notch.

How about we run around each other
Two everyone else it's obvious we want one another
But you'll conceal it from me, keep it under cover.

You want two play jump rope
Repeatedly jumping all over my hope
Yet eye am expected to cope.

So lets play a game.
You'll kiss me and whisper my name
Then you'll leave me and make me go insane.

Does this game seem fun to you?
Because this is what you put me though.
It's an awful piece. Still to out of it to write decently. Sorry. But I like homophones.
Classified Apr 2014
so I can't get what I want.*
And what I want is to be enough.

To be good enough to my parents to not make them comment about suicide.

To be good enough to my friends to actually develope a close bond with them.

To be good enough as a person to help others and make them happy.

To be good enough academically to have a good future.

To be enough as a person to not have to always prove myself
To not always have to fight
To not have people take advantage of me
To not have people treat me like crap
To not have people talk about me behind my back
To not have people mock me and make fun of me
To not have people reject me based on my gender
To not have people judge me base on my image
To not have to fight back
To not have to defend myself all the time.

I just want to be good enough.

but the world is not a wish granting factory
So I can't get what I want.
Brilliant first day back at school.
379 · Mar 2014
Prophet of sin
Classified Mar 2014
Once upon a time
Twice upon a memory
Thrice upon a wish

I wanted a destiny that was intwines with yours
But alas, I hardly know you.

You enchanted me
Bewitched my mind
And spelled my affections

There is one word I shan't ever utter
But if you're my knight in shining armor
And I am more than just a step for you to climb
Then maybe I will change fate to spend the rest of my life with you.

I will creat my own destiny.
But I am doomed to failure

I may try my best
And find motivation
But my will power and hope are inconsequential compared to my omnipotent and everlasting sin.
Random ******* that I wrote because feeling upset. Title inspired by someone else's poem and bmth reference. Sorry for the production of ******* thoughts
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