I’ve been bargaining with the sun ever since I can remember.
I’d sit in front of large windows as a child, whispering deals to the clouds,
who had swallowed all the sunlight in their passing,
to let yellow flood the world again,
I didn’t know the sun would return regardless
until hands had been shook - a deal made.
I’d lose a limb or two and repeat the process; ignorant.
nothing has changed.

everyone describes it as a sinking feeling.
i felt it more like a steamroller on my chest.
it squeezed my heart of all its contents,
my self-esteem rushed out like newly laid asphalt,
while my motivation shriveled up
under the unforgiving sun.
Love stuck to the steamroller
and got pulled out of me like
it was never there to begin with.
the only thing left holding together my crippled heart was
Sadness
who sewed me back all wrong;
too blinded by his tears to watch his stitching.

let’s sit in the bathtub,
arms intertwined.
let’s sit in the bathtub
and let the water climb.
lets sit in the bathtub
closing our eyes.
lets sit in the bathtub,
whispering goodbye.

I had forgotten
that grass was green
and trees had leaves
and that I could breathe
all along

dark and silent
I fought to be awake

it has always been black
it will always be black

my house is big
my parents are beautiful
I think

I like to hide things
I’m lucky because I can’t
hear my mother scolding me



water is my salvation.

What thoughts I have of you tonight, Walt Whit-
man, for I walked down the sidestreets under the trees
with a headache self-conscious looking at the full moon.
     In my hungry fatigue, and shopping for images,
I went into the neon fruit supermarket, dreaming of
your enumerations!
     What peaches and what penumbras! Whole fam-
ilies shopping at night! Aisles full of husbands! Wives
in the avocados, babies in the tomatoes!--and you,
Garcнa Lorca, what were you doing down by the
watermelons?

     I saw you, Walt Whitman, childless, lonely old
grubber, poking among the meats in the refrigerator
and eyeing the grocery boys.
     I heard you asking questions of each: Who killed
the pork chops? What price bananas? Are you my
Angel?
     I wandered in and out of the brilliant stacks of
cans following you, and followed in my imagination
by the store detective.
     We strode down the open corridors together in
our solitary fancy tasting artichokes, possessing every
frozen delicacy, and never passing the cashier.
     Where are we going, Walt Whitman? The doors
close in an hour. Which way does your beard point
tonight?
     (I touch your book and dream of our odyssey in the
supermarket and feel absurd.)
     Will we walk all night through solitary streets?
The trees add shade to shade, lights out in the houses,
we'll both be lonely.
     Will we stroll dreaming ofthe lost America of love
past blue automobiles in driveways, home to our silent
cottage?
     Ah, dear father, graybeard, lonely old courage-
teacher, what America did you have when Charon quit
poling his ferry and you got out on a smoking bank
and stood watching the boat disappear on the black
waters of Lethe?

                                   Berkeley 1955

If freckles were lovely, and day was night,
And measles were nice and a lie warn’t a lie,
Life would be delight,—
But things couldn’t go right
For in such a sad plight
I wouldn’t be I.

If earth was heaven and now was hence,
And past was present, and false was true,
There might be some sense
But I’d be in suspense
For on such a pretense
You wouldn’t be you.

If fear was plucky, and globes were square,
And dirt was cleanly and tears were glee
Things would seem fair,—
Yet they’d all despair,
For if here was there
We wouldn’t be we.