I ask myself again and again what it means to be infatuated with the little parts that make up the creation of you. To call it love almost seems too cavalier, too simple. Maybe what we (could've) had was something much different from love. Maybe it was chaos and fear and guilt all mashed together creating our own perception of romance or innocence. All I know is that whatever it was, if I were forced to go through it again with anyone in the universe, I would choose you. I would do it again and again and alter every ending until we ended up together, you and I, just like we dreamed about when we were 16 years old without a sense of direction.

I'd go back in a heartbeat.

maybe if we would’ve gotten those tattoos like we planned then i’d have any reason to stay with you but i’m the only one who could ever give you that amount of commitment and ok maybe we talked on the phone for two whole hours and maybe i still haven’t gone to sleep because you’ve glued my eyes on you and maybe i’d give anything just to go back to that summer but i love him
i love him
i love him
i love him
i love you
his name should be the one coming up on my screen at 3:18am

Six trains have gone by since you fell asleep. I hope you heard them in your dreams. I wish I could see your face when you're asleep and your lips are the most innocent. I wish you would have stayed.

I keep waking up at 4am and it's making me realize why you were always such a morning person. I guess my thoughts are deeper when they don't get much sleep.

i kicked you out years ago but i could never force you to leave permanently in fact i'd probably call you and tell you to come home if you hadn't blocked my number because at this point what do i have to lose? you ripped out my insides and took them with you when you left and everyone seems to believe i can buy a new being just like the one you stole from me but the heart that's filled with you is worth more than all the money in the world.

tell me why it's been two years and my heart still hasn't caught up with my head. it beats so fast i'm surprised i'm not dead and i can't decide if it stops or beats faster when  i hear your voice at 4am. the sunrise still looks just like the colors in your left eye and the only difference is that the sun goes away at night but you stay awake in my thoughts. everything reminds me that we could actually be something real and the worst part is that it's up to me but my heart isn't strong enough to take that risk a second time or should i say a fifth or sixth or seventh time. then again maybe you never left in the first place. maybe my heart isn't behind, but my head is just too far forward to be able to see what it's passing up. maybe you've been here the whole time.