bathroom floors always feel colder at night
and
i guess depression can never quite leave ones mind
and
i guess my dad can never get his head on right
but
its all in my head, these things
its all make believe
right?

weve been edging on a state all summer
and
perhaps i forgot the difference between happy and apathy
but
you know ******* everything don't you?
cuz i cant feel a ******* thing

i said i felt good or good enough
but i chased this demon and boxed it up
i spun stories all undone now, figured out pushing down is better than falling flat on the ground

bring me to church and even closer to tears again
show me the things i hadn't known i'd been trying to forget
and
hold my shaking arms as i fall apart in your hands and
ask me if i feel so tough
is that enough?
will it ever be ******* enough?

its a bitter thing these limbo summers are.

i met my fate as the orange grass met the sky
while i stood coddled up in sunlight, studious to some remnant of hope, either frequent or terminal

i sat cradled in tears screaming, speak or swallow me up
but perhaps the words came in sleep, or the bottom of my coffee cup
dripping into my sleep and bursting from buds
music to my ears or the flowers growing in love

i met my fate at the edge of the suburbs, when i disappeared into my head, barefoot and hungry, dashing into forests, so numb, holding my weight in heavy rising lungs.
i was fading, perpetual, my own burning constant.
haunted and gaunt, and hardly ever conscious

i met fate on the edge of chance, of a good luck charm. of a missing someone.
i met fate in the words tangled in tongue
where all you sing is unsung

and if you can't walk, you'll run

it doesn't seem like summer anymore
this untangle of distance between me
and waiting for me to be me
it feels like too long weekends
and a too long endless errand
it doesn't feel like gloss and honey
like sun rays hitting suntanned tummies
it doesn't feel safe
just like i'm playing too safe
like the sun just makes me insane

and so i purchase to feel
wear to trick people into thinking
i am worth something just by
the linen and cotton that cover this decay
i call a body
i'm forgetting days
like they're old phone numbers
i just remember the beat to my favorite song
the chords i play on my guitar
the agony of symptoms that lasted too long

the never-answered questions of
am i doing enough?

because the answer is always no
and i'm stuck in a non existent loophole
where everything is go or no go
and god knows we can't have both
and so i'm stuck again, between truth and false
between me and feeling
between feeling or falling

seeing or fleeting.

yes, i do the let phone ring and ring and ring until it stops choking me as your name flickers off the screen
i let your name linger on my lips like some sort of bad dream
i lie awake shedding layers and wanting to scream, do you know how much of me you haven't seen?
do you think of me as you go to sleep?

and maybe i do shine light on things i'd rather keep inside, maybe i dwell on things when they've already been unraveled away. maybe i think too much and fill myself with sad songs and one word answers and pity filled sighs, maybe i act like a child and curl up and hide when things get too wild, and maybe i do lie.

but i miss how your hand felt in mine, i miss talking to you without thinking before every line, i miss how i would associate you with a field of light. but now you make me want to die.

i'll miss you as you were,
but never as you are now.

i hope you learn to grow in yourself,
move yourself around a bit,
fill that obvious pit in your stomach

maybe then you'll have some room left to squeeze me in.

i forget what i need,
replacing the bubble up of unwanted thoughts with heavy heaves and maybe some other unprecedented love

the kind of love that doesn't make you choked up, stuttering over words you can't get out and holding back laughs in the back of the room, instead i stay;
head down
eyes shut
block them out
close it up

it's hard to end what could have
but it's easier that it didn't
i'm not patient therefore I cannot wait for you, and I cannot wait until you've changed your mind, felt what you've missed, lost what you almost had. could have had, didn't want, or was too ignorant to see.
if you wish to forget me
so it shall be
i will not stand in the corner, drooling for you, for negativity and the i cannot do without you mentality. i will not envy, for i will see all i can deal without.
i've lost too much to waiver over how these things could have been.
i will not miss you
for you will see what i'll grow into
what i can become without you

how comfortable life is without a filter and a hand around your throat.