i thought i wrote you another poem
but really i just went empty for 3 hours
and dreamed of hammering nails into my forearm
(but now i guess i'm writing you a poem)

i like you

Not often enough do I tell you
How much you mean to me
Not often enough do I show you
How your love has sat me free ...

I just want you to know
that my favorite black shirt makes me look skinnier than I am
I never smile with teeth because my teeth aren't perfect
My eyelashes aren't that long without my mascara

I want you to know that I'm happy most days but I'm sad most nights
I take sleeping pills because I'm always worrying too much to sleep on my own
I cry alot. Mostly over my father's betrayal.

I want you to know that I love you more than myself
I find myself avoiding mirrors most days
I know you think I'm beautiful but I will never believe it.

I want you to know that on those really bad days when I can't even get out of bed, even when your hugs and holding my hand can't brighten my dead eyes, take me to the ocean and let the darkness of my heart be taken away each time the water meets the shore.

Will you say it?
Will you enunciate each letter,
Light my senses on fire ,
Play Russian roulette with my desire, to finally have you..

Will you say it?
Let it flow out of your lips like milk
Let it orbit my heart like tiny planets made of silk
And complete me.

Will you say it?
Will you usher into my world sensations that are new.
Tears will fall backwards when you do
Heart spasms and dementia will follow too.

Will you say it?
Will you let your voice command its brave?
3 words, 8 letters to save.
A euphoric tidal wave.

These things happen I suppose.
They always happen.
I used to care about something, you know.
I did.
I used to feel something when I stared at the sky.
Now the hardwood feels cold under my feet,
and my lungs have lost their warmth.
The clouds eat me whole as I walk home.
They smile.
Sometimes I do too.
But I've wandered too far this time,
these steps don't look familiar.
Someone still sleeps inside this house,
but it's not me.
Someone still lives inside these bones,
but it's not me.