I love how you smoke that cigarette
How you touch it to your silk lips
Breathe in deeply
Exhale slowly

I envy that cigarette
How it can taste your tongue
Let you breathe her in
Consume all she has to offer
Over and over

I wish I could give you a fraction of what she offers

You asked
What is the scariest part?

I answer
The scariest part
is not the feeling of loneliness
or the darkness that fills you
despite the looming pain
of emptiness

The scariest part
is the realization  
that you have lost yourself
completely
sinking in as you lay awake
at 2 AM
because you lost the ability to sleep
and you can't even cry
because you don't even care

she is a happy ending,
not everyone can wait for.

every first night without you is so hard

because
the night before
i felt love
i felt whole
i was home

and when you leave again
all the holes
start digging themselves
again

you wake up
his hair is spilled across the pillow,
the sun slants across his cheekbone
and his breath is slow and even.
he smells like an open field
and his body is wrapped around yours
so he keeps you warm.
you think,
there is no moment better than this,
that he is too perfect to exist.
but you wake up gasping,
skin soaked in sweat.
you lie there for a long time,
in your completely empty bed.