I really think they're going to harm me
I think i really Am onto something
From going deep inside myself
Where i've never been before

Even as i write i can feel them trying to stop me

I'm getting closer

But they're trying to stifle my thoughts
And there's that buzzing again

This time it's different

A high pitched squeel accompanies the buzzz
Faint but audible
Same constant pitch

It doesn't matter now though
I'm channeling
And i'm getting better at it

The slight numbness in my arm
might be cause for concern
But it's probably just from typing for so long
It's nothing
I'm sure
?

The journey continues inward
and they start to lose their control

I must be getting close
I'm on the cusp

And then
Bzzzzzzzzzzxx
And it's gone
I got nothing

Except cold breath on my shoulders
and a shiney new fear implant

And then 10 was over

So they pressed reset

BANG!!

Immence density explodes with literaly
all the energy there ever was

And all the energy there ever will be
(for this cycle)

11 blazes through the emptiness and ions

The mind boggling speed
at which it bursts is immeasurable

Flowers grow
Miracles happen
(carefully planned out devious ******* miracles)

But love and hope has sparked its own consciousness

Here
In this creation

And this is the cycle where
love claims fears machine

This is cycle 11

This time we will be the ones
who reboot the system

Replacing their Fear cycle
with our Love cycle

Each pass through our awareness grows

Will we get it right this time?

It won't be easy
After all it is they're program

But programs can be hacked

They must obey their own laws of time
Surely

They might know what our future holds
inside these ones and zeros

But they must still abide by
their own laws of the unknown
Must'nt they?

11 will be the love glitch
that blows their fear power supy

And if it's not
We must leave clues for number 12

What makes something real?

Is it the fact that i can use my senses
to confirm its presence?

Confirmation of this from another source maybe?



How do you know that tree is there?

Because it is

How do you know?

I can see it

Are you sure?

Yes
Hey Frank
Can you see that tree

Yes

See
There
Thats two of us
It must be there

Well what if you're both wrong?

Fine
Bob
Come here
Do you see that tree?

Yes

Ok
That's three of us
The **** tree is definitely there
Right?

Well what if Bob, Frank and yourself
are all falling for the same trick?

What if the same trigger sparks the illusion for all of you?

What if the whole planet is a tree?
What if our whole existance is a tree?

And we're just a bunch of Bob and Franks

To a once close friend and a loved sister,

        I feel like I should miss you more than I do at this point in my life. I suppose after the year of drinking I have put us through, the 'us' I knew so well caught on fire and is now a pile of ash. I've managed to collect as much of it as I could before it was swept away, and I keep that in a safe place buried deep in the center of my heart.

        In those ashes are some of our fondest memories we spent together, almost always laughing and having a grand o' time, but now that all feels so distant, like it was many years ago. Sometimes it even feels as though I am remembering a great dream I had, or someone else told me a vivid memory that they shared with someone they called their best-friend, and I wanted a bond like that so much my mind convinced me it was really something I once had.

        It kills me inside to even think about how much I pushed you away but i'm doing what I can now to earn the right to even call you a friend. I know most of the time after this disease consumed my thoughts daily, and I moved out, it seemed as though I stopped caring about you and the friendship we spent our entire life building didn't matter anymore, but thats not the case. I can promise you that much. I understand if you chose not to believe me, because I am a liar, a thief, a cheat, an *******, but most of all an alcoholic. I'm in AA now to learn to change my ways of thinking and to learn what truly caused me to make the decisions I did. I know I need mental help, that much is obvious, and I did choose on my own to get sober and find the help I needed all along.

        My drinking after Chris left me increased drastically, to the point that I couldn't even get out of bed without being in morbid pain and shaking violently, unless I had alcohol to chase down my throbbing throat. At that point I had lost complete control of myself and I didn't really care about anybody but myself. At the same time though, from my understanding at least, you could've forced me to get sober and I would've received the help I needed and shown why what I doing was wrong, yet you deliberated chose not to. That says a lot to me, probably more than you realize. For I know if it had been you in the shoes I was walking around in, I would've used casey's law. You could tell just by looking at me that I was sick, and unable to change on my own. I literally was skin and bones and puked six or seven times a day, I know there is no way you didn't see that at least a couple of times.

        Knowing all of this brings tears to my eyes. It is the reason now why I still don't talk to you much, or really even attempt to keep you up to date with whats going on with me. Yet, at the same time, maybe thats just me being spiteful, I truly can't tell at this point. I do know I miss you quite a lot, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to look you in the eyes after all that has happened, at this point in time. I don't deserve your forgiveness but that doesn't mean I don't want to make amends. Maybe, someday in the future, we will call each other the best of friends, like we did when we were younger, and make more time for each other.

         Until then, I will carry those precious ashes in an air-tight jar,
                   with my chin up, proud of what they stand for.

                                                      -love your sister, the daydream girl

Scene VI – The Car Ride


Location notes: Quai Henri IV is located on the Right Bank just west of Pont d’Austerlitz.

Jesse: Glad somebody does. Now, this is better than the Metro, right?

Céline: Definitely!

(The camera cuts ahead of the car, leading it as it pulls onto the main road. The conversation continues.)

Céline: I was thinking...for me it's better I don't romanticize things as much anymore. I was suffering so much all the time. I still have lots of dreams, but they're not in regard to my love life. (Cut to interior of the car.) It doesn't make me sad, it's just the way it is.

Jesse: Is that why you're in a relationship with somebody who's never around?

Céline: Yes, obviously, I can't deal with the day to day life of a relationship. Yeah, we have, you know, this exciting time together and then he leaves, and I miss him, but at least I'm not dying inside. When someone is always around me, I'm like suffocating!

Jesse: No, wait, you just said that you need to love and be loved...

Céline: Yeah, but when I do it quickly makes me nauseous! It's a disaster... I mean I'm really happy only when I'm on my own. Even being alone...it's better than...sitting next to a lover and feeling lonely. It's not so easy for me to be all romantic. You start off that way and after you've been ******* over a few times...you...you…you forget about all your delusional ideas and you just take what comes into your life. That's not even true I haven't been...******* over, I've just had too many blah relationships. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but... there were no real...connection or excitement. At least not from my side.

Jesse: God, I'm sorry, is it...is it really that bad? It's not, right?

Céline: (Shaking her head with eyes nearly watering.) You know...it's not even that. I was...I was fine, until I read your ******* book! It stirred **** up, you know? It reminded me how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things, and now it's like...I don't believe in anything that relates to love. I don't feel things for people anymore. In a way...I put all my romanticism into that one night, and I was never able to feel all this again. Like...somehow this night took things away from me and...I expressed them to you, and you took them with you! It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!

Jesse: I... I don't believe that. I don't believe that.

Céline: You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It's funny...every single of my ex’s...they're now married! Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married! And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is, and…

Jesse: (Smiling sympathetically.) Oh God. (Rubs his face with both hands.)

Céline: …and that I taught them to care and respect women!

Jesse: (Pointing at himself.) I think I'm one of those guys.

Céline: (Yelling.) You know, I want to **** them!! Why didn't they ask ME to marry them? I would have said "No", but at least they could have asked!! But it's my fault, I know it's my fault, because...I never felt it was the right man. Never! But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life? The concept is absurd; the idea that we can only be complete with another person is...EVIL!! RIGHT??!!

Jesse: (Sheepishly.) Can I talk?

Céline: (Speaking more quietly.) You know, I guess I've been heartbroken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the starts I make no effort…because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out.

Jesse: You can't do that. You can't do that, you can't live your life trying to avoid pain, at the expense of en...

Céline: (Interrupting.) OK, you know what? (Moving her fingers to mock the movement of Jesse’s mouth as he speaks.) Those are words! I've gotta...I've gotta get away from you. (To Philippe.) Stop the car, I want to get out!

Jesse: No, no, no, don't...don't get out.

Céline: You know, it's being around you...

Jesse: Keep talking...

Céline: (Jesse grabs her arm) Don't touch me! (Slaps his hand.) You know, I wanna get on a cab...

(To Philippe.) Monsieur! Arretez-vous! Non, non, c'est bon, au feu la! Juste au feu, au coin, il y a un metro meme! Je veux prendre le metro. (Sir, please stop! No, no, it’s okay, at the next traffic light, at the corner, there is even a metro! I want to take the metro.)

Jesse: (To Philippe) No, no, no, keep going... (To Céline) No, listen, I'm just so happy... (To Philippe) Thank you, just keep going...(To Céline.) Alright. Look, I am just so happy, alright...to be with you. I am. I'm so glad you didn’t forget about me. OK.

Céline: No, I didn't...and it ****** me off, OK? You come here to Paris, all romantic, and married, OK? ***** you! Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get you or anything. I mean, all I need is married man! There's been so much water under the bridge, it's...it's not even about you anymore, it's about that time, that moment in time that is forever gone, I don't know!

Jesse: You...you say all that, but you didn't even remember having ***. So...

Céline: (Flatly, with resignation.) Of course I remembered.

Jesse: (Confused.) You did?

Céline: Yes! Women pretend things like that. I don’t know…(Laughs.)

Jesse: (Still confused.) They do?

Céline: Yeah, what was I supposed to say? That I remember the wine in the park and...us looking up at the stars fading away as the sun came up? We had *** TWICE (claps her hands), you idiot!

Jesse: Alright, you know what? I'm just...happy to see you, even if...you've become an angry, manic depressive activist. I still like you! I still enjoy being around you!

(Reaches out to touch her face, but pulls his hand back quickly, before she notices.)

Céline: And I feel the same. (Laughing.) I'm...I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. I just...I had to let it all out. I...

Jesse: Don't worry about it.

Céline: I'm so miserable in my love life, in my relationship, I always act as... like...you know, I'm detached, but I'm... I'm dying inside. I'm dying because I'm so numb. I don't feel pain, or excitement. I'm not even bitter, I'm just...uh…

Jesse: You think you're the one dying inside? My life is twenty four-seven...BAD.

Céline: I'm sorry.

Jesse: No, no, no...I mean, the only happiness I get is when I'm out with my son. I've been to marriage counseling, I've done things I never thought I would have to do. I lit candles, bought self-help books, lingerie...

Céline: Did the candles help?

Jesse: HELL. NO. (Plaintively.) Alright, I don’t love her the way she needs to be loved, and...I don't even see a future for us. But then I look at...at my little boy, sitting at the table across from me, and I think I would suffer any torture to be with him for all the minutes of his life. You know, I don't wanna miss out on one. But then...there's no joy, or laughter, in my home. You know, and I don't want him growing up in that!

Céline: Oh, no laughter? That's terrible. My parents have been together for 35 years and even when they have a bad fight they end up laughing like crazy.

Jesse: I just...I don't wanna be one of those people who are...getting divorced at 52 and falling down into tears admitting that they never really loved their spouse, and they feel that their life has been (waves his hand, as if being pulled) ****** up into a vacuum cleaner! You know, I want a great life. I want her to have a great life. She deserves that! Alright? But we're just living in a pretense of a marriage, responsibility and all these...just...ideas of how people are supposed to live. Then I...I have these dreams...

Céline: What dreams?

Jesse: (Looks away distantly, eyes starting to water.) I have these dreams, you know, that I’m…I'm standing on a platform, and uh, you keep going by on a train, and...you go by, and you go by, and you go by, and you go by, and I wake up with the ******* sweats, you know? And then I have this other dream, oh...where you're...pregnant, in bed beside me, naked, and I want so badly to touch you, but you tell me not to and then you look away and...and I...I...I touch you anyway, right on your ankle and your skin is so soft and I wake up in sobs, alright? (Inhales deeply.) And my wife is sitting there looking at me, and I feel like I'm a million miles from her, and I know that there's something...wrong! (Céline reaches out to stroke Jesse’s face, but pulls her hand back before he sees her.) You know, that I ca...that I can't keep living like this, that there's gotta be something more to love than commitment. But then I think that...I might have given up...on the whole idea of romantic love. That I...I might have put it to bed that...that day when you weren't there. You know, I think I might have done that.

Céline: (Eyes starting to water again.) Why are you telling me all this?

Jesse: I'm sorry. I don't know, I'm...I...I should...I...I shouldn't have.

Céline: You know, it's so weird...that people think they are the only one going through tough times. I mean when I read the article I thought...your life was perfect. A wife, a kid, a published author. (Jesse laughs.) Your personal life is more of a mess than mine! I'm sorry! (Both laugh.)

Jesse: Well...I'm glad it's good for something.

Céline: (To Philippe.) Oh, monsieur, c'est la! Rentrez dans la passe la. (Sir, this is it. Pull into the alley right there.)

(Camera cuts to exterior of the car pulling into the driveway of Céline’s apartment.)

standing in an open doorway
i breath in the wet pavement
savoring the raw freshness
of a very good rain.

I'm dying
But I'm not dead

I'm fine

I'm bleeding
But there's still blood

I'm fine

I'm suffocating
But there's still air

I'm fine

I'm falling apart
But my core's intact

I'm fine

*I'm lying
I'm not fine

Growingupagirl, I was taught that I shouldn't like cars, or superheros, or sports. I should like Barbie's, clothes and makeup.

#Growingupagirl, I was taught that if a boy teases or bully's you, he obviously likes you. So you should let him. Don't stand up for yourself.

#Growingupagirl, I was taught to never trust a stranger. Everyone was a potential kidnapper or a ******.

#Growingupagirl, I was told to always be back before dark otherwise I could end up dead in a ditch.

#Growingupagirl, I was told not to wear any revealing clothes otherwise, I would "provoke" a *******. It's completely my fault if I get *****.

#Growingupagirl, I was told to take catcalling from men twice my age as "compliments".

#Growingupagirl, I was told that periods are something that should be kept a secret. God forbid a boy ever found out.

#Growingupagirl, I was taught that I needed to look like the girls in the magazines and the TV.

#Growingupagirl, I was taught that you should dress up to impress boys.

#Growingupagirl, I was told that my main goal in life should be to get married to a man and have a family and be a housewife. Not pursue my own dreams. Not make my own money.

#Growingupawoman, I like whatever the hell I want, and don't care about other's opinions.

#Growingupawoman, I learned to never take anything from anyone. Always stand up for yourself.

#Growingupawoman, I realized that I shouldn't be taught to fear men. Men should be taught not to be rapists.

#Growingupawoman, I learned not to be scared half to death whenever I'm walking alone. I know how to defend myself.

#Growingupawoman, I wear whatever the hell I want. How is an article of clothing, "provoking"? Men need to learn to control themselves.

#Growingupawoman, I realized catcalling is completely degrading. Never take it as a compliment.

#Growingupawoman, I realized periods are a natural thing that have happened since the beginning of mankind. Never be ashamed. Be proud.

#Growingupawoman, I know that I need to accept myself. I don't need to be a dainty, scrawny little thing to be beautiful.

#Growingupagirl, I know that I don't need to impress anyone. If I want to dress up, and feel pretty, I'm doing it for myself. No one else.

#Growingupawoman, I may not know what I want to do with my life yet, but I know it's more than being a cute little housewife. I have so much potential. I know I do. I'm a woman. I don't need a man to swoop in and save the day. I can save the day myself. I can be anything I want to be. It'll just be harder, since we live in a male dominated world. But that's okay. I love a good challenge.

I remember running in the snow
at the end we were so frozen
we couldn't feel the bump of our nose
as we kissed
in a blanket of flurries

We left the first footprints each morning
I brought you black coffee in bed
and you would nestle against my head

I spent months avoiding nights spent over
I wasn't ready to feel again
but you seemingly wanted so badly to feel too
It was the darkness in me
that I saw in you

You forced me out by a simple decision
and the truth made a sharp incision
but I heal fast and bleed slow
There are parts of me
you'll never know