Context : sitting on the train, headphones on, water bottle in hand, looking at the graffiti and countryside, thinking if i could escape from this planet (just me on my own) would i leave?

Context: this was written yesterday, first coincidence, i hop on the metro to get to the station but the train doesnt leave the station so i start walking, it was a really nice day and while not unhappy at the metro blip i was taking it as a sign the human animals were making '''gods''' will a physical reality and i was meant to walk it. a few minutes after walking i saw the trains were running again so i took some solace in knowing the other passengers would not be too delayed.2) i got to the station and as i walk over to the information desk and the person at it immediately grabs his phone and leaves the desk empty. In Dublin trains they have an advertising campaign with a phrase of Mobile phoney as a person that talks into their phone when not on any call just so they dont have to give up their seat, the phrase jumped into my mind without prompt. Needless to say i wasn't in the mood to be around people while in this headspace so grabbed lunch, listened to music, read a book and tried to be alone. (dont worry though my day/headspace did get better :-):-):-))

Dream context: was taking drugs and deeply paranoid about people around me (i am not sure how common paranoid schizophrenia manifesting in dream state is but i have experienced it before) so i killed myself. 'Wake up' context: immediately tried to get an extra hours sleep to try reenter dream state, slept but dont think i was in any mind images. awake now so will just have to wait until tonight. conclusion: isnt life exciting.     BTW my deepest darkest fear is something that has terrified me when both mad and sane and i also fear putting it in to words, maybe on my wake up life deathbed but will speaking the words change my reality and make it true? possible other previous days trigger thoughts: i thought of how *** for me is now just a form of physical exercise that will just bring my blood sugars down so i thought want about having *** during a blood sugar low and dying entwined with another human animal? what do you think?

Context : day 2 of paris, should it be called eyeballing eiffel?  You can decide. good day today so far :-):-):-):-)

My hotel has wi fi so i can bore you with my holiday thought experiences :-):-) Context: in airport, distracting my mind with music (as i do) a podcast comes on, beautiful heartfelt heart-meant words distract me, really enjoying it but then a sentence 'softly hits me', eyes well up as i try blink my distorted view away, difficult but no drops on cheeks so can just wipe away. immediate analysis is 'why?' question, i know i have been building up fear over the last few days is this how i should relate to the world if i want to have real feelings again ( but this went totally against the good words of the podcast) but what if all i can feel is sorrow/pity/pain/'others struggle' when in a heightened sense of fear and that is the ****** reaction, by crying? again i have zero conclusions with this train of thought......but on to the second wet eye incident......reading an animal abuse (and subsequent rescue) post on FB and again had to wipe my eye. Why? thinking once the dam is breached it is easier for the blocked material to re-escape? does this apply to all emotions, is it a rule i previously took for granted? Anyways i made it to Paris, television time again is a real big treat (plus i cant pretend to understand their underlying currents because of the language barrier (i have no excuses for same back in homeland so dont watch tv)  **** phone headphones not working now so might have nondistractional thoughts/poems to post unless i get the fixed, but safe within four walls now and no bad s*it happened so next question is how to dissolve the fear energy i have been building up? sleep me thinks and finish my litre of stout. cheers for reading......happy travels to you in your future movements :-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-):-)

Heading on my holidays tomorrow so will be off line and probably wont get to relax with reading your poetry - see/read you in two weeks.

Another day, back drinking after work (again) in the same pub, alone this time, phone absorbing my attention alot but look up and look around at the shared space with other 'human animals' that i am experiencing in the pub, i dont feel anything 'to' them, while accepting illusions would it really make a difference if i could (willingly) touch or feel them? not sure where i am going with this tangent, enjoy.