Went for a few beers after work and also got a meal in the pub and with the meal comes this really really cold glass of water with non melted ice cubes in it, the sensation of cold air being sniffed is beautiful in its change to the nostril and other senses (such as the skin contact against the cold liquidy glass). The question at the end is just a wanting for the water to get me drunk. :-)

Part of my dream state last night - I woke up happy thinking I was back on it and remembered I wasnt - but one moment of happiness (even if not real) is worth all the previous drug pain :-)

Phone notes from 2+ days - realizing I cannot inflect or influence other peoples interpretations of me - a limiting reality, true but also an invigorating reality - hopefully I will not limit myself with words (or lack thereof) in the future, really enjoying this experience :-) but with everything, it is temporal, still really enjoying this experience, what to be made of this? Is this enjoyment real? Lets not get into future time :-) but thanks for reading :-) wishing all release from....... sorry wipe my eyes..... wishing all (no full stops - just a just future without needless suffering - if at all possible - but our ancestors created this environment - need to change music :-) cheers, for reading (ego tripping but I (i) 'exist here' ))

A poem written in the mid 2000's from a self published book - 'Poetry from the wilderness years { Or slices of thoughts and emotions :-{}' - I added one edit line today. Background to poem - living in the country side at the time - still abusing drugs and alcohol - nearest village was a mile or two's walk away and i had no transport but that meant the walk to the village was beautiful but then having to jump into 'human active space' after previously just being around mind settling nature used to inspire heightened senses of fear and I could feel my mental state disintegrating often but what can you do but struggle on (or break down and be hospitalised)  - if my memory serves me - in the end I didnt want to leave the house/room I existed within and even my own thoughts of human interaction really frightened me - luckily enough a cousin down the road had a pet dog - Luka - a beautiful animal and I was asked to mind him some evenings/days/nights - I think this was the start of me coming back into 'your normal usual human society' - still now I can reread this and see the hints of my general paranoia to the whole world outside - I still think mental institutions should have organised and 100% supervised animal therapy visits if possible - it would help bring your thoughts out of your own head and into another truely non-judgemental animal form and can definitely ease anguished souls/minds/bodies. Cheers - will try to post a few more poems from this collection over the next few weeks but with hopefully some happier themes (I didnt really write about insanity during this collection because my confidence was in minus figures :-)  )

First in-the-moment poem (cant imagine these sober = major current fault but ....) excuse the spelling mistakes :-) dont have a clue as to where it ended up as compared to my first thought - which was I can give TRUST anymore - sorry but true - but probably a good thing since I am still here???? doubt again - whatever - what tags?..............

8 hours after my first post and I have been reading and liking/commenting/following others poetry and my head is spinning (not sure if in a good or bad way - have to wait until after my next few days of dream state to see if it has distilled the inputs and outputs, received and given (freely) ) - just i need to escape now - really enjoying this but the amount of emotional writing (when isnt it?) that triggers a need to respond (not a trigger for a negative/positive mental state - just the need to respond as an active observer) is quiet amazing and also how the people I read are immediately linked to my first poem here and thus the second half of the circle completes (I hope this makes sense) - even with more circles they only seem to be created within the initial circle - (thanks Wolf Spirit - I will try to remember you as an initial (good) trigger)  - I am just comparing it to how previously I just looked and never ever interacted (my fault I know - I need to apply the same principle to my waking non internet life also but baby steps and it will take decades and i will be very very very tired by then)   --- this is my first public 10w poem - I really like the format of 10w - sometimes when you leave out the words others interpretations will fill the word space differently :-))))))) cheers!!!! Can of Guinness in hand :-)))))))))

Just a recent paranoid drunken rant I recorded on my phone - I still blame the rest of the (outside of my head) world for my problems when i know I need to accept my situation and not try to assign blame for anything (been doing this in my head for the last 15-16 years - and still reached no conclusions that are satisfactory) - but the best things in life are hardly ever easy and the other voice is always there (but less with meds) - just it is always easier to blame others I guess - also I need to talk to a counsellor but I cant trust humanity at any level outside of temporal situational trust with current friends and when I am alone all that trust dissolves in quicker moments than it takes to remind myself to recreate it the next time I am around them.