lately i've been spending nights awake and days asleep
because i'm unreliable. the night time is quiet and
at four in the morning almost everybody's asleep so i can
spend my time in solitude and sometimes my thoughts get dark
sometimes i hurt the people closest to me but not on purpose
sometimes my mental health speaks for me in a way that i can't
quite explain but you can count on me sleeping through all the
alarms that i set before we meet at the mall to get coffee that
i don't even want because caffeine makes me throw up but
i miss the outside world and i'm sick of my bed but when i leave
i just want to be curled up in a ball underneath a pile of blankets
and asleep, a million miles away in dreamland, the closest
i will ever get to outer space because i'm not really good at science
and i barely passed grade eleven math but in my dreams i can
kiss the stars and i can fly, i can travel through time
sometimes the dreams turn into nightmares
sometimes they get too real
sometimes they last for too long
my subconscious doesn't trust you to say the least because you're
always in my dreams, hurting me in the worst ways possible
and maybe i haven't quite forgiven you yet for all the things you have
put me through, despite my various attempts to move on
there's a bitter hatred that curls around your name whenever it
tears through my throat, rotting my teeth and turning my tongue
dark black but it's only because you weren't wrong when you said
soulmates are real, you are mine and i might not be yours but
i will never be able to forget the way you made me feel and
my days on this earth feel limited, i could die anytime i fall asleep
but i'm no different than anyone else, our probabilities of death
are all the same. it's one hundred percent guaranteed to happen
and the only people that know what happens after you die are
the dead and unless you've got a dead friend willing to share the
answers with you, i don't really know how to get the answer to that
question unless i **** myself but i haven't decided just yet if knowing
the answer is better than living, would you take the blue pill or the
red pill? do you live your life knowing nothing you do matters because
at the end of the day, you're going to be forgotten in a thousand years
anyways and no one will even remember your name and i've always
hated my name so i often ask myself, why not just get a head start?
cons: there are people on this earth that i care about, and who care
about me. there are things i have yet to experience and things i've
never seen. things i've never touched, smelled, heard, or touched.
i've always believed in fate
but lately i've been thinking i took the wrong path

you're in love and you can't get out
there's a twenty dollar fee to leave and your pockets are empty
the exit lines are burnt out and the stores are all closed
locked and gated for the night, you've got nowhere to go but here
you might as well take a seat and get comfortable
because the ride has just begun
there are ups and downs but i'll warn you beforehand
there are more downs than ups but the ups will take you so high
you'll be able to see the moon, the sun, the stars, and all the planets
you'll understand life more than you ever have and
you'll be walking among aliens and soaring with comets
but when you go down you'll meet the devil and your skin
will burn your stomach
will be sick from all the smoke you inhale your skin
will be carved from the devil's pitchfork and branded with his name
hell isn't an eternity, though, the books have got that all wrong
it only feels like one
because happiness is temporary but pain lasts forever
(especially when you're suffering from the disease known as
teen angst)

nobody gets off this ride
sometimes people fall off and from what i've heard
it's almost as painful as staying on and it's like a bad ****** addiction
most people relapse and end up coming right back on
the lucky people find peace, they don't go so high anymore
but they never go so low, either
and sometimes that's enough

but you're not a lucky person and you won't be
it's only been a year since you broke that mirror
so try again in six
but for now you might as well sit back
and enjoy the ride
because you're not going anywhere.

My alarm clock goes off almost every morning
but this morning seems different
I wake up and there are already tears in my eyes
This alarm clock is a reminder that the heaviness in my chest will only grow
I hit snooze and start to wonder if I should even get up if I'll only end up sinking
What do you do on the days when you wake up and feel like the world is against you
When you feel like there's a snow covered mountain behind you waiting for your lowest moment to send the rapid downward rush of new problems and things you have to deal with?
My avalanche always hits me when I think nothing else could go wrong
Maybe it's because I like to stack up my problems behind me instead of dealing with them; they were bound to fall eventually.
I like to pretend that I'm strong, but this feeble body can't hold the facade for much longer
The anxiety is starting to lurk around inside of me, looking for reasons to shatter my ribcage
It's tag teaming with depression which is already tugging at my aorta,
On most days I'm surviving
But on days like this I hope the downpour crushes me
My chest cavity seems to have already collapsed anyways, the tears became so heavy that my lungs stopped fighting for air
In the back of my mind I hear a faint beeping, my dreams interpret this as a time bomb, a swift count down to my inevitable demise, but I am not running out of time. I keep thinking I'm battling this clock but I'm only battling myself.
My eyes swiftly open, I hit snooze. I sit up and exhale the thoughts of myself, inhaling  the responsibilities of my day. Today, I'm going to survive.

On a day to day basis people ask me how I am
I have come to realize that this is a habitual response rather than a genuine inquiry
On most days, I say 'ya know, I'm alive," and I don't bother to ask this question in return.
On my better days, I'll say "I'm good, how are you?"
And I'll watch as their mouth mimics the same lies in response.
I've started to wonder if anyone else can feel the emptiness in our words
Aren't they supposed to mean, something?

During my senior year I was voted most talkative, my yearbook reminds me of how much I've grown
I used to take pride in that social chatter, being able to talk anyone's ear off, or being seen as bubbly and bright just because I knew how to waste time with the filler words.
Now, I tend to keep my mouth shut. I've learned that not everything needs words.
Why it's socially acceptable to ask mere acquaintances how they are, subconsciously reminding them of all the things going wrong in their lives, when we fully know that no one wants to hear the truth. In fact, they look down upon the truth. Don't you dare say the words depression, anxiety, ptsd, mental illness or anything else for that matter. If you can't muster up the "I'm good," it seems, the only other acceptable response is "I'm tired," because, "I'm tired" has become the go to blanket term for every other emotion.
But you know what I'm tired of? People, who don't even care, asking me how I am, because now I can't even stop lying to myself.
The other day my friend asked me if I was okay. In my most convincing voice, I said "I am - always, okay"
They looked at me and mumbled "not okay"
I didn't need their words. I believe that all words are empty until someone fills them up with the presence of their soul. I may not have as many friends as I used to, but the friends that I do have speak with sincerity. When they say something, they draw from life experiences and offer these pieces of themselves, something I do not take for granted.
I collect the pieces and keep them as treasure.
Words are so valuable, as long as you don't leave them empty.

Now I know
how a vampire feels
when he meets the stake.
It ******* hurts.

I’m looking at you-
Looking-looking-not.

I’m pretending I wasn’t staring-
Now I’m looking-looking-caught.

I will never be able
To fully describe the way
The morning sun
Rises like your stuttered phrases
Yet my hands find their way
To yours,
Like flowers bending
To face the light.