You keep up the work, baby.
You're a real crowed pleaser.
Bite that toung, not that food.
And you can finally see it.
That face is thinner,
Those fingers overlap more.

You're on the right track, girl.
You a bad baby with a whirlwind storm.
Two years top,
Buy that couch.
Find that stranger and make it obvious.

A colorful accent,
Rosy cheeks,
Lopsided smile.

Let him feel those hipbones, sweet thang.
Do some ******* or ecstasy on that bone,
His choice because it is.

Bounce and you grind it, baby girl.
**** that neck and watch the sun rise.
Tell him. Demand him to listen.

"You see, I was never enough.
Never for the flash of cameras,
The holy trinity of delusion,
The fear of opening up.
I was a child, working for some kind of love."

And you smile because he's about to ******.

"Life is about compromising for the one you love."

You hop off, yiu throw him to the gravel.
Dump that lighter fluid, sweet child.
You use your last bit of strength to lift it up.
Toss that **** over the cliff.
Flick the match to follow.

And you look up.
The sun is up.
The wetness on your face dries.

Fold up the childish things,
Compromise with the ones you love.

One of these days,
You'll be good enough to be engaged too.

set up,
pairs of three.
watcha
gonna do
when the
world stops
revolving
around you?
I'm still
into you-r
band, but
that's 'cause
you're a good
pre
form
er.
who am
I?
I already
know.
But since
you think
you do
too,
watcha still
gonna do?
my guess
is only
as good
as yours.
but don't
sweat it,
if that
doctor carrer
doesn't work
out, try
pho
togra
phy.

This is poetry,
It's me writing what
I truly feel inside,
What I feel when
I am reminded of a time

And I have experienced
So many times since then
And I have experienced
So many times that have
Nothing to do with this

That last one reminded, it knocked
The hell out of me in a way
That is undeniable
I wish I could say
I'm sorry to him
Not for how it ended
But because it was never him

I remember thinking
At the beginning that
He would be a momentary filler
That it would last a month,
Maybe two months
And that it was really because
I was just waiting for you

And along the way,
He made me forget because
I let myself forget everything
And he made me feel loved
And he made me feel wanted
And I did love him then and I did want him then
And he made me a horrible
Disfigured form of who I was
Because I chose to let him and
Myself become that

It wasn't real and it wasn't fake
I did love him, he was a part of
My growing life and I wish
I could tell him that
Im sorry for being such a
Horrible humain being,
Just ******* out everything
Because I needed to feel whole
And it's because...
I wasn't whole, I wasn't really anything
Because I left who I was,
I left everything back there,
I left it with you

And it's inexcusable what I did
And how I hurt people
All along the way,
It was my very own form
Of a thick wall, it wasn't who
I truly am
None of this is
The lying, the drugs,
The endless suffering
I have to let go of that part,
That wall isn't who I am anymore

And even though you moved on,
You may not even believe
Anything I say in this,
I can feel the carefree and innocence that I was before
I eventually met you and
The joyful, brave, courageous person
You once made me after I met you

And if I never see you again,
If I never talk to you or hear from you again,
I do love you
I love you in the simplest of ways
And I love you in the most agonizingly difficult for the brain to comprehend ways
I love who you made me and I hate who I let myself become
But I love how you and myself reminded me
Of everything I used to be
And I take this love that I have for you and I take this relearning to love love for myself
And I'm becoming who I was but turning it into
Who I am with the who I used to be
And I can only ever thank you and me for who I will be

And I wish you could see this journey,
I wish you could experience the final,
The new and improved
And in a way you will because I'm taking you everywhere I go
And it will be met with every ghost and regret I have ever went through and made,
Probably more than once will they be met,
But regardless of what happens,
I will walk out of it and continue,
With you inside of me

I'm sorry if I let you down,
And if that's the reason you will never be actually around
I'm sorry I can't take back what I did and the things I said
But if we somehow meet again along this way
I swear I hope you're happy and free and even when im
Bitter and angry at you or myself or the world,
I will always be here for you and I swear I will never let myself
Forget you in any way possible

You completed me in a way that I could never understand
You made me feel a way I had never felt before
You made me a better version of myself,
Sure I still had doubt and self esteem problems,
But you made me strong and brave and fierce and happy and loving and determined and youthful and an endless kind of happy and love
That follows you everywhere you go even when
You can't see it or if you forget it and no longer
Can you feel it in or around you

Even though I'm so freaking down right now
And I cry and feel angry and hurt and confused
Because I still have doubts and self esteem problems
And trust issues and so many more issues,
I can feel it again and you know what?
It's the best feeling I've had in so long that I don't honestly know
How to contain it
It's burning inside me and it's wanting to be set free to spread through
Every vein and muscle and inch of my body

And I love it,
I love this feeling and I feel like it's a feeling that loves me too
And it's foreign but remembered and that makes me love it even more
And I'm starting to love myself again slowly and I know it takes time and
I hate how im still so impatient with everything and how
I envy those with patience because that's a part of who they are and
It's not a part of me but it may eventually be because who knows what the future holds

And I hope your present is bright and fruitful and
Somehow everyday something happens and you find
Even more of a reason to beam so brightly
And everyday after that is bigger and better and warmer
Because I love you like I have never loved anyone because there was never supposed to be anyone but you

And if the possibility of someone else in the future arouses,
If everything is really too late,
I will never let them change me unless it's positive
They can add onto what I and yourself helped put into me
And you will still never go away,
This love for you will never go away like it never really did,
Just fogged and pushed away
But it isn't anymore, it never will be again

Because I enjoy this love,
It doesn't feel weighed down and suppressed with the liability of demands and expectations
It's pure and whole and giving and peaceful
It's a love that is loved

I have different dreams now
And the fear has been added on
I have a different strength now,
One that lacks in every way
But it doesn't matter cause
You found the strongest one for the day!
And all my dreams, they involve you
All my fear is still being forgotten too

Some people find God
Smoking a cigarette,
I found him in the way
I made them laugh
And it comes in the forms of colors
Like blue and green,
Brown and a slight tent of red
But it doesn't matter,
At least not most of them
Because it doesn't matter what I do
I will never know what it feels like
To know if you would have loved
Every color in me

Being the good man you are
And keeping your word,
Knowing I can't do anything
In return must feel
Close to egotistical
But I'm not one for negativity,
Not anymore at least

And this sea just experienced
An inhumane tsunami
Of mass proportion
Everything the wave drags back in
Is a slow burn

But I'm the master of my sea
This pain will recede,
Your memory will not leave,
I will brave it and not flee.
This will not be the end of me.

i'd be lying if i said
you make me speechless
the truth is you make my
tongue so weak it forgets
what language to speak in

Speaking of bad
trips on drug's,
Here's a little
riddle for you.






What is wrose,
living in sin
or doing sin
where it's taught?

i watch you
turn and lift,
turn and sit
heavy loads.
Such a thin body,
how do you do it?
Do other parts
of that body
have such strengths too?
I bet it feels heavenly
to bask in all of it's
innocent, manly glow.
Like feeling the water break
on my less than stealer face,
after drowning for years.
Like tasting the sunlight
after being in hell for a hundred
days and nights.
I would admire every inch
with my mouth like it is the finest
modern and classical art.
I would worship it
with my fingers like it's
made of braille and all that
is translated is the
holy word.
I'm sorry.
Was that a little creepy?
Maybe...crazy?
I'm sorry.
I just have an obsession
of writing all the beauty
that my eyes can find.
While you wouldn't even bat an eye
if I laid down and just died.

She's like a drug,
The kind that's bad
For the body and lungs
But she's also like the kind
That makes a presence
Come to life and blind
The poor excuse of her

She makes mistakes,
Causes a big disgrace
And tries to make it right
But ends up losing every fight
And dims her very own light
Each and every time

She feels like a burden,
Something stale and harden
And easily is pardoned
Of feeling close to belonging
Looked over while dying

And she has trust issues,
Problems balled up in tissue
Akin to the disgusting flu
And bitter on so much too
But now she only has the ghost of you

She'd never use a hand to hold her head up,
Everything you'd say is enough
Look at you with childlike wide eyes
And believe it was no lies
Every word you'd say,
Another star in her universe
And your eyes are the moon
And your soul, the setting sun
All meshed together to form
Her favorite part of the day,
The time to take a favorite picture

She would break things,
Try to pick them up on her own
But you'd bend down and
Let the pieces cut your fingers too
And she'd kiss yours better,
You'd rap hers up in loves bandage leather
And she'd delicately dance around
Every single one of those things,
Learn 'cause you'd complete her

She'd work hard to be the perfect form
Of everything you'd adore,
Worthy enough to straddle your lap,
Devour your holy lips while you grab her ***
And bump noses to only end up in fits of laughs
And she'd only have thoughts of you,
You'd have only eyes for her
And she'd do the things even the purest of pure
Could never manage to do

She'd build flowers and paint pictures
To remind you that she's still there,
Deep inside where you both reside now
She'd punch through all your walls
Until her skin was gone and the meat
Was tethered to show the blinding white
Of her still trying bones
She'd take her eyes out so you could see
Just how far you've made her go to remember how to breathe
And how important and the center you've become
And when she'd sweat and curse,
Feel like she isn't worth your love,
You'd dab the sweat off her forehead
And hold her tight to soak up the pain
That would shake into your vertebrate
That's made out of armor and would end their life
Because you'd never want her to spend another sleepless night

But this is all she feels now,
And she feels alone now
Every song and every memory
Is about you somehow
Every movement and every plan
Revolve around you like she still has a chance
But it's all in her head,
She comes back to reality where she
Is really all alone
Opens her eyes and she's dancing with your phantom
Because she is a
li·a·bil·i·ty,
She's sometimes too much for even me

There's

always

a

way

to

love

yourself,

you

know.

When we are lonely children,
we believe in prince charmings.
When we are naive adults,
we get a "oh. um, thanks i guess?"
When we are eager children
we play tag.
When we are better adults,
we get them stolen just to brag.
When we are learning children,
we read comic books.
When we are grieving adults,
we have novelty items stolen by crooks.
Time and time again,
you showed me to never let my guard down.

Your mood swings toward me
Are drastically unproportined that even I
Can't keep up with them
But I'm headstrong, I know how this goes
Every person I meet is an Anne Frank
And I am drowning beside ******
Only one can be saved

I don't know.
Maybe it's because this liquid courage
Strengthens my backbone just enough
To think easily of how those headlights seem
To be on the right side of the road but really,
They're just barely over the yellow,
Just enough so that the bones in my nose and forehead
Disintegrate into the tinniest pieces,
Slicing through my brain

Liquid courage helps spill my guts,
Not my blood

And I know what you're thinking
That this is a bigger joke than even myself,
That it's disgusting and maybe pathetic
But it's actually just entirely sad

Because there's no use for miscalculations,
There's no worry of the outcome
When you feel like life is not worth living
And the fact stretch marks don't even come close as to why
You're not even halfway good enough
For boy's like that

But the daydreams,
The longing of a hand on your thigh
While he's driving you to his favorite place
Or the first kiss you share,
Holding you every night

It makes the dull lit flame in you,
That you have no idea how or why is still there,
Spark and grow into this wildfire within your chest,
Tightening and warming it as you breath.

And that's exactly what you do.

You breath, you smile,
You imagine

Because there, in your imagination,
A boy like him would never hurt you
A boy like him would care

i've only ever admired
two different boys
that could both sing,
which sets my soul on fire.

one of them
will always hold
a part of my heart,


the other doesn't
even know where
it starts.

Speaking of bad
trips on drug's,
Here's a little
riddle for you.






What's wrose,
living in sin
or doing sin
where it's taught?

It was time to go,


                  She's impatient but


      I'm obligated to love her for


This life that allowed me to once


             Know of who you w e r e


  I'm not one for physical contact,


             I'm sure s o m e o n e ( s ) ,


           s o m e w h e r e


               could easily confirm this


As still relevant for  t o d a y


        But you are  h e r e , but


                you really are not


     Because you are g o n e


           And I have moisture on my


L e s s. t h a n  p e r f e c t  f a c e


           But I'm in a hurry this time


              To wipe it off without the


   Urgency to not make her mad


Because she is wild and she is


        ******* i n g  c r a z y  but


She is beautiful in the way


          When s he finds something,


    When s he finds some o n e


                 That made her feel a


Fraction of what she wanted


        Them to feel,


             She will love them until


    Her breathing stops


                  And all t h e s e


   Dreams are turned to stars


        That will help the few that


            Will  m a g i c a l l y  meet


     Keep hope and never, e v e r


                Let them slip through


     Their fingers


        And so you're  g o i n g  but


         There is no one rushing you


          I  d o n ' t  have the strength


   To do what you


o n c e  u p o n  a  t i m e  did


            But I will stand h e r e


If you decide to come back


   Ignoring my c r i e s this time to


         P l e a s e


                  D o n ' t


                           G o . . .


But you're g o n e


             And still,



I  h o l d  o n

Who am I?
I am the abandoned building
along the vacant street
I am the whirlwind in a storm
of regret and intoxication
I am the calm of a hushed whisper,
The goose bumps and raised hair
I am a nurturing stigma,
The thing good enough to
Never really be enough
I am the bite of a plump lip,
The shared dreams on leather seats
I am the crying in the dead of night
because you want it to be over but
you just *know when it's gone,
you will have nothing left
I am the drug of choice,
The brown liquid to wash it down
The shake of hands you blame on nerves
I am the elephant in the room,
Do you remember me?
Take a minute from rubbing the salt in,
Do you see me? Do you hear me?
Family, blood..it's never been enough.
I strive to matter to someone that isn't obligated to care
I dream of bus rides and religion
While mourn the boy I made feel wasn't enough
But he was the one to say it back.
Third time's the charm,
And if it doesn't happen it wasn't meant to be
Take a minute from his busy life,
Does he remember the way I cared?
He doesn't want the best for me
No one could conceive the possibility
To ever believe that
If it wasn't meant to be,
Just know,
I will always love you

They know how to hide

  Their favorites in life really well

    And I'm no longer gonna

      Waste my time, it's different

Because everything was wrong

           Before recollection struck

   And I'm leaving my past behind

But I won't leave you behind

               You don't want a part

    But that's fine,

       You have plenty of parts

              To make up for lost time

I'm happy for you

         In everything that you do

You were the best and only

             Good thing that actually

    Happened to me thus far,

I won't ever abandon that

          Reminder when everyone

Slithers and begs to see me

             Tumble far, far down

I hope you're not one that

     Thinks like that of me

                    But I will carry you

   Through this pain with me

Because I knew your

             Pure heart once like you

  Once knew I had one

                       I disappoint the best,

     I make up in undying devotion

             Deep within my soul

    I hope you're ultimately happy,

       I hope you are truly whole

I wonder why
people are utterly so
mean and careless
in the world and times
have changed a lot
since then.

I was mean and destructive,
fell far off course and became
some horrible person.
I lost myself and the sight
I should have kept.

I hope life continues
to treat you with the utmost kindest ways
and I hope there's rough times
but I know you'd make it
through them easily.

And maybe my words,
they don't mean what they did
to you back then.
But I am so proud of you.
I'm sorry life disfigured me,
turned me into what isn't enough.

But I'm finding my way again
And regardless of what anyone thinks of me,
or how they believe
I don't deserve an easy life,
I know I can make it through.

Because you're not that same person and
neither will I ever be.
Some people go in phases of three within their life.
Who they were,
Who they became,
And the person they choose to be.

I don't want to be negative anymore,
I don't want to be bitter towards everyone
Bitter to the point it's hard to hold a conversation with me.
I don't want to look for the bad in people.
I don't want to have to be numb to be able to feel like I'm something worth more than dirt.

I don't want to be ******* myself
and bring everyone down.
I want to be the person that still goes up and asks old people if they need help.
Not because I feel like I have to keep that up,
to withstand the appearance that I'm fine and normal
But because I want to help people
I don't want to put myself down with the way I look or think.
I know I'm not perfect but I know someone out there
Will see past the insecurities and physical
And just see that my bite isn't anything like the way I feel,
Like you once did

I don't know the person you are now and I don't think I ever will,
But I choose to believe you wouldn't be so mean.
I choose to believe you're still nice and caring like you were.
And that will help me get through my hard days
And will help me remember how far I'll have come on my bad days.

Whoever you are now,
I hope life is beautiful and brilliant because that's all I wanted for the boy I knew back then.

There's one vital scene I watch
Over and over again.
And I almost want to do it.
I know what you're thinking.
She's lying.
She's dramatic.
She wants attention.
And maybe you're right.

But I set there before.
In the bathtub.
And the blade was in my fingers.

And you can know me for a hundred million reasons
But each of them fades when I want to see my blood
Because I think life would be better,
Would be simple
If I couldn't feel

I am letting down the only person I have left.
The only one that stuck around after
They told me he was the dark path,
Wrong road to follow

And it isn't you that I sesrch for
But I can tell you know.

One flinch of the nose,
Hannah decides to have more ***** than me

But I look at my finger tips.
They are rough and chewed.
They are old.

I can take the shaking,
The vomiting
The stumbles and slurred words

But I look at them and I want what you have
The smallest heart beat in the world,
Fingers around my pointer finger
The love of my life there,
Beside me

And for once,
For ******* once
They say,

"You need to eat"

Because the feeling of bones is better than my worth
The feeling of belonging is better than my tears

And bob doesn't know me today,
Or ever really,
But giving up isn't in my blood

It's day one
Excluding New Years Eve
Because hey,
It's been a hell of a ******* year

And there's no pieces left to piece
Just the resounding of
No one cares anymore
Replaced and forgotten
Remainder of a ******* notebook
That has zero substantial meaning
To who I am today

Except for you
And you make it hard
To let it go

It's you and I know
It's branded into my soul
That I was a careless *******
Because

*******

Look at you and it
Doesn't even
Matter

Because look at me

Remember me?

Yeah,

I don't either

I write frequently about you now.
It's all I can seem to do to stay sane.
I like to believe I'll be free one day, free like I was when I met you. Free before the storms of regret and life in general set in.
I know I should get up, go do something and have fun. But I've never felt so alone. It's probably not even half of what I truly deserve.
I'd like to believe that you are the same nice and caring you. You would wish me the best and let me know that I will never be alone even though you'll never be here. And I don't think I have experienced a darker time in my life, and all I really needed is you. But you sent that part of you far away and I wonder if it came back here, lurking in the corners until it was found.
It was found. And it will never be replaced or taken away again.
If there is one thing I wish I could tell you it's this,

You are you
And he is he
Please never mistake the two
Because he is a haunting I no longer wished to have known
And I will take you wherever I go.

I realize how horrible that is. I can never take what I did back. My second biggest regret will never trying harder to reach out to you. My biggest will always never realizing it was always you. A silly face drowned out by the shadow from the sun, it's something I will never forget. And even when I'm mad and lost with things I don't understand, even though my words don't mean anything to you anymore and aren't reason enough to write songs of. I hope you find it in you to trust me when I say that I hope you have endless silly faces. I hope even when the suns shadow covers your face, the light you both give off brings it back from the unwanted dark.
And I don't know if I'll find myself again or if I'll find someone else.
The only thing I do know is that I will always keep that part of our lives in my heart.