set up,
pairs of three.
watcha
gonna do
when the
world stops
revolving
around you?
I'm still
into you-r
band, but
that's 'cause
you're a good
pre
form
er.
who am
I?
I already
know.
But since
you think
you do
too,
watcha still
gonna do?
my guess
is only
as good
as yours.
but don't
sweat it,
if that
doctor carrer
doesn't work
out, try
pho
togra
phy.

he looks so good
sweat dripping
like water on
honeydew.

i want
to lick it
off and
devour him
from within.

i want
to be the stuff
that makes up
his dreams.

i want
to be the one
that makes him
roll his eyes back
and scream.

he'd be daddy
and i'd be
his bad baby.

or just maybe
i'd settle for
a candlelight
date.

or something stupid
like going fishing,
he'd hook the bate.

chewing on my lip
without looking up,
"whatever it is
you want to do,
i wouldn't mind
doing it with you"
I would whisper
to the point he
couldn't hear
me hardly.

would he be
the first in a while
to touch my mind
and know my soul
before my body?

and who knows
at the end of the night
maybe a peck
on the cheek.

with him,
would life still
seem to be
so bleak?

Some people find God
Smoking a cigarette,
I found him in the way
I made them laugh
And it comes in the forms of colors
Like blue and green,
Brown and a slight tent of red
But it doesn't matter,
At least not most of them
Because it doesn't matter what I do
I will never know what it feels like
To know if you would have loved
Every color in me

I have different dreams now
And the fear has been added on
I have a different strength now,
One that lacks in every way
But it doesn't matter cause
You found the strongest one for the day!
And all my dreams, they involve you
All my fear is still being forgotten too

This is poetry,
It's me writing what
I truly feel inside,
What I feel when
I am reminded of a time

And I have experienced
So many times since then
And I have experienced
So many times that have
Nothing to do with this

That last one reminded, it knocked
The hell out of me in a way
That is undeniable
I wish I could say
I'm sorry to him
Not for how it ended
But because it was never him

I remember thinking
At the beginning that
He would be a momentary filler
That it would last a month,
Maybe two months
And that it was really because
I was just waiting for you

And along the way,
He made me forget because
I let myself forget everything
And he made me feel loved
And he made me feel wanted
And I did love him then and I did want him then
And he made me a horrible
Disfigured form of who I was
Because I chose to let him and
Myself become that

It wasn't real and it wasn't fake
I did love him, he was a part of
My growing life and I wish
I could tell him that
Im sorry for being such a
Horrible humain being,
Just ******* out everything
Because I needed to feel whole
And it's because...
I wasn't whole, I wasn't really anything
Because I left who I was,
I left everything back there,
I left it with you

And it's inexcusable what I did
And how I hurt people
All along the way,
It was my very own form
Of a thick wall, it wasn't who
I truly am
None of this is
The lying, the drugs,
The endless suffering
I have to let go of that part,
That wall isn't who I am anymore

And even though you moved on,
You may not even believe
Anything I say in this,
I can feel the carefree and innocence that I was before
I eventually met you and
The joyful, brave, courageous person
You once made me after I met you

And if I never see you again,
If I never talk to you or hear from you again,
I do love you
I love you in the simplest of ways
And I love you in the most agonizingly difficult for the brain to comprehend ways
I love who you made me and I hate who I let myself become
But I love how you and myself reminded me
Of everything I used to be
And I take this love that I have for you and I take this relearning to love love for myself
And I'm becoming who I was but turning it into
Who I am with the who I used to be
And I can only ever thank you and me for who I will be

And I wish you could see this journey,
I wish you could experience the final,
The new and improved
And in a way you will because I'm taking you everywhere I go
And it will be met with every ghost and regret I have ever went through and made,
Probably more than once will they be met,
But regardless of what happens,
I will walk out of it and continue,
With you inside of me

I'm sorry if I let you down,
And if that's the reason you will never be actually around
I'm sorry I can't take back what I did and the things I said
But if we somehow meet again along this way
I swear I hope you're happy and free and even when im
Bitter and angry at you or myself or the world,
I will always be here for you and I swear I will never let myself
Forget you in any way possible

You completed me in a way that I could never understand
You made me feel a way I had never felt before
You made me a better version of myself,
Sure I still had doubt and self esteem problems,
But you made me strong and brave and fierce and happy and loving and determined and youthful and an endless kind of happy and love
That follows you everywhere you go even when
You can't see it or if you forget it and no longer
Can you feel it in or around you

Even though I'm so freaking down right now
And I cry and feel angry and hurt and confused
Because I still have doubts and self esteem problems
And trust issues and so many more issues,
I can feel it again and you know what?
It's the best feeling I've had in so long that I don't honestly know
How to contain it
It's burning inside me and it's wanting to be set free to spread through
Every vein and muscle and inch of my body

And I love it,
I love this feeling and I feel like it's a feeling that loves me too
And it's foreign but remembered and that makes me love it even more
And I'm starting to love myself again slowly and I know it takes time and
I hate how im still so impatient with everything and how
I envy those with patience because that's a part of who they are and
It's not a part of me but it may eventually be because who knows what the future holds

And I hope your present is bright and fruitful and
Somehow everyday something happens and you find
Even more of a reason to beam so brightly
And everyday after that is bigger and better and warmer
Because I love you like I have never loved anyone because there was never supposed to be anyone but you

And if the possibility of someone else in the future arouses,
If everything is really too late,
I will never let them change me unless it's positive
They can add onto what I and yourself helped put into me
And you will still never go away,
This love for you will never go away like it never really did,
Just fogged and pushed away
But it isn't anymore, it never will be again

Because I enjoy this love,
It doesn't feel weighed down and suppressed with the liability of demands and expectations
It's pure and whole and giving and peaceful
It's a love that is loved

Your mood swings toward me
Are drastically unproportined that even I
Can't keep up with them
But I'm headstrong, I know how this goes
Every person I meet is an Anne Frank
And I am drowning beside ******
Only one can be saved

I don't know.
Maybe it's because this liquid courage
Strengthens my backbone just enough
To think easily of how those headlights seem
To be on the right side of the road but really,
They're just barely over the yellow,
Just enough so that the bones in my nose and forehead
Disintegrate into the tinniest pieces,
Slicing through my brain

Liquid courage helps spill my guts,
Not my blood

And I know what you're thinking
That this is a bigger joke than even myself,
That it's disgusting and maybe pathetic
But it's actually just entirely sad

Because there's no use for miscalculations,
There's no worry of the outcome
When you feel like life is not worth living
And the fact stretch marks don't even come close as to why
You're not even halfway good enough
For boy's like that

But the daydreams,
The longing of a hand on your thigh
While he's driving you to his favorite place
Or the first kiss you share,
Holding you every night

It makes the dull lit flame in you,
That you have no idea how or why is still there,
Spark and grow into this wildfire within your chest,
Tightening and warming it as you breath.

And that's exactly what you do.

You breath, you smile,
You imagine

Because there, in your imagination,
A boy like him would never hurt you
A boy like him would care

Being the good man you are
And keeping your word,
Knowing I can't do anything
In return must feel
Close to egotistical
But I'm not one for negativity,
Not anymore at least

And this sea just experienced
An inhumane tsunami
Of mass proportion
Everything the wave drags back in
Is a slow burn

But I'm the master of my sea
This pain will recede,
Your memory will not leave,
I will brave it and not flee.
This will not be the end of me.

The sun kissed the moon
In pastel candy
And I thought of you
I had a poem in my brain
Until I got fully numb
So that's where the rhyming stops
I wanted to share all these moments
With you
A touch,
A kiss.
A hug,
Hands held.
Did you forget me?
I should probably grow up.
But my soul has turned black,
My heart is stone cold.
I want you
To forget me
But remember me for
Who I was.
Young and helpful
Full of life and wonder.
A beacon of possibility.
Before regret and distates
Took it's final place.
Remember me.

Speaking of bad
trips on drug's,
Here's a little
riddle for you.






What is wrose,
living in sin
or doing sin
where it's taught?

There's one vital scene I watch
Over and over again.
And I almost want to do it.
I know what you're thinking.
She's lying.
She's dramatic.
She wants attention.
And maybe you're right.

But I set there before.
In the bathtub.
And the blade was in my fingers.

And you can know me for a hundred million reasons
But each of them fades when I want to see my blood
Because I think life would be better,
Would be simple
If I couldn't feel

I am letting down the only person I have left.
The only one that stuck around after
They told me he was the dark path,
Wrong road to follow

And it isn't you that I sesrch for
But I can tell you know.

One flinch of the nose,
Hannah decides to have more ***** than me

But I look at my finger tips.
They are rough and chewed.
They are old.

I can take the shaking,
The vomiting
The stumbles and slurred words

But I look at them and I want what you have
The smallest heart beat in the world,
Fingers around my pointer finger
The love of my life there,
Beside me

And for once,
For ******* once
They say,

"You need to eat"

Because the feeling of bones is better than my worth
The feeling of belonging is better than my tears

And bob doesn't know me today,
Or ever really,
But giving up isn't in my blood

It feels like this.
When you're sinking further into the ocean
And all you can see is the sharks and the snakes
And you can only move with the shaking of finger tips

All the regret and could habe beens,
The should habe beens al wish I could be younger
Drags you further down
Until you're sea level of the floor

The coral and seaweed wraps you up.
Every scream of a name or two or three escapes
And travels to the surface to even
Being ignored by the seagulls

Or you're alone,
Soaking wet in your room
Can't even look at a mirror
Because every inch of you screams
Liability

Putting listings out for guys that aren't it but
Are a bigger picture of it all
But wanting to put a hit out
For your ownself

Make it easy, messy free.
A bullet to the head,
Three months to tell all them you tried.

Because you did.

You tried being kind enough,
Skinny and perfect enough.

You tried until it really mattered.
And you let yourself go.

You break and bend and you wish

You'd ******* ****

To try again

i'd be lying if i said
you make me speechless
the truth is you make my
tongue so weak it forgets
what language to speak in

It's day one
Excluding New Years Eve
Because hey,
It's been a hell of a ******* year

And there's no pieces left to piece
Just the resounding of
No one cares anymore
Replaced and forgotten
Remainder of a ******* notebook
That has zero substantial meaning
To who I am today

Except for you
And you make it hard
To let it go

It's you and I know
It's branded into my soul
That I was a careless *******
Because

*******

Look at you and it
Doesn't even
Matter

Because look at me

Remember me?

Yeah,

I don't either

i watch you
turn and lift,
turn and sit
heavy loads.
Such a thin body,
how do you do it?
Do other parts
of that body
have such strengths too?
I bet it feels heavenly
to bask in all of it's
innocent, manly glow.
Like feeling the water break
on my less than stealer face,
after drowning for years.
Like tasting the sunlight
after being in hell for a hundred
days and nights.
I would admire every inch
with my mouth like it is the finest
modern and classical art.
I would worship it
with my fingers like it's
made of braille and all that
is translated is the
holy word.
I'm sorry.
Was that a little creepy?
Maybe...crazy?
I'm sorry.
I just have an obsession
of writing all the beauty
that my eyes can find.
While you wouldn't even bat an eye
if I laid down and just died.

They know how to hide

  Their favorites in life really well

    And I'm no longer gonna

      Waste my time, it's different

Because everything was wrong

           Before recollection struck

   And I'm leaving my past behind

But I won't leave you behind

               You don't want a part

    But that's fine,

       You have plenty of parts

              To make up for lost time

I'm happy for you

         In everything that you do

You were the best and only

             Good thing that actually

    Happened to me thus far,

I won't ever abandon that

          Reminder when everyone

Slithers and begs to see me

             Tumble far, far down

I hope you're not one that

     Thinks like that of me

                    But I will carry you

   Through this pain with me

Because I knew your

             Pure heart once like you

  Once knew I had one

                       I disappoint the best,

     I make up in undying devotion

             Deep within my soul

    I hope you're ultimately happy,

       I hope you are truly whole

When we are lonely children,
we believe in prince charmings.
When we are naive adults,
we get a "oh. um, thanks i guess?"
When we are eager children
we play tag.
When we are better adults,
we get them stolen just to brag.
When we are learning children,
we read comic books.
When we are grieving adults,
we have novelty items stolen by crooks.
Time and time again,
you showed me to never let my guard down.

Speaking of bad
trips on drug's,
Here's a little
riddle for you.






What's wrose,
living in sin
or doing sin
where it's taught?

There's

always

a

way

to

love

yourself,

you

know.

She's like a drug,
The kind that's bad
For the body and lungs
But she's also like the kind
That makes a presence
Come to life and blind
The poor excuse of her

She makes mistakes,
Causes a big disgrace
And tries to make it right
But ends up losing every fight
And dims her very own light
Each and every time

She feels like a burden,
Something stale and harden
And easily is pardoned
Of feeling close to belonging
Looked over while dying

And she has trust issues,
Problems balled up in tissue
Akin to the disgusting flu
And bitter on so much too
But now she only has the ghost of you

She'd never use a hand to hold her head up,
Everything you'd say is enough
Look at you with childlike wide eyes
And believe it was no lies
Every word you'd say,
Another star in her universe
And your eyes are the moon
And your soul, the setting sun
All meshed together to form
Her favorite part of the day,
The time to take a favorite picture

She would break things,
Try to pick them up on her own
But you'd bend down and
Let the pieces cut your fingers too
And she'd kiss yours better,
You'd rap hers up in loves bandage leather
And she'd delicately dance around
Every single one of those things,
Learn 'cause you'd complete her

She'd work hard to be the perfect form
Of everything you'd adore,
Worthy enough to straddle your lap,
Devour your holy lips while you grab her ***
And bump noses to only end up in fits of laughs
And she'd only have thoughts of you,
You'd have only eyes for her
And she'd do the things even the purest of pure
Could never manage to do

She'd build flowers and paint pictures
To remind you that she's still there,
Deep inside where you both reside now
She'd punch through all your walls
Until her skin was gone and the meat
Was tethered to show the blinding white
Of her still trying bones
She'd take her eyes out so you could see
Just how far you've made her go to remember how to breathe
And how important and the center you've become
And when she'd sweat and curse,
Feel like she isn't worth your love,
You'd dab the sweat off her forehead
And hold her tight to soak up the pain
That would shake into your vertebrate
That's made out of armor and would end their life
Because you'd never want her to spend another sleepless night

But this is all she feels now,
And she feels alone now
Every song and every memory
Is about you somehow
Every movement and every plan
Revolve around you like she still has a chance
But it's all in her head,
She comes back to reality where she
Is really all alone
Opens her eyes and she's dancing with your phantom
Because she is a
li·a·bil·i·ty,
She's sometimes too much for even me

There is barely a handful of boys I remember the moment we met.
One was when we were kids,
Freckled and still learning.
I bet the skinny girls and nonstraight guys
Would be in complete disbelief of it
But it was me,
I am a country song.
And he picked grass and he picked me.

The next was true.
A friend I cry over.
He was sweet and kind.
And so was I.
Shoes didn't matter as he laced his fingers
Over his mouth.
To admire,
To realize beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

The next is bitter.
And I talk about it in anger.
**** him.

i've only ever admired
two different boys
that could both sing,
which sets my soul on fire.

one of them
will always hold
a part of my heart,


the other doesn't
even know where
it starts.

I

  have

   absolutely

    nothing

     left

      to

       believe

        

                    in.

Who am I?
I am the abandoned building
along the vacant street
I am the whirlwind in a storm
of regret and intoxication
I am the calm of a hushed whisper,
The goose bumps and raised hair
I am a nurturing stigma,
The thing good enough to
Never really be enough
I am the bite of a plump lip,
The shared dreams on leather seats
I am the crying in the dead of night
because you want it to be over but
you just *know when it's gone,
you will have nothing left
I am the drug of choice,
The brown liquid to wash it down
The shake of hands you blame on nerves
I am the elephant in the room,
Do you remember me?
Take a minute from rubbing the salt in,
Do you see me? Do you hear me?
Family, blood..it's never been enough.
I strive to matter to someone that isn't obligated to care
I dream of bus rides and religion
While mourn the boy I made feel wasn't enough
But he was the one to say it back.
Third time's the charm,
And if it doesn't happen it wasn't meant to be
Take a minute from his busy life,
Does he remember the way I cared?
He doesn't want the best for me
No one could conceive the possibility
To ever believe that
If it wasn't meant to be,
Just know,
I will always love you

It was time to go,


                  She's impatient but


      I'm obligated to love her for


This life that allowed me to once


             Know of who you w e r e


  I'm not one for physical contact,


             I'm sure s o m e o n e ( s ) ,


           s o m e w h e r e


               could easily confirm this


As still relevant for  t o d a y


        But you are  h e r e , but


                you really are not


     Because you are g o n e


           And I have moisture on my


L e s s. t h a n  p e r f e c t  f a c e


           But I'm in a hurry this time


              To wipe it off without the


   Urgency to not make her mad


Because she is wild and she is


        ******* i n g  c r a z y  but


She is beautiful in the way


          When s he finds something,


    When s he finds some o n e


                 That made her feel a


Fraction of what she wanted


        Them to feel,


             She will love them until


    Her breathing stops


                  And all t h e s e


   Dreams are turned to stars


        That will help the few that


            Will  m a g i c a l l y  meet


     Keep hope and never, e v e r


                Let them slip through


     Their fingers


        And so you're  g o i n g  but


         There is no one rushing you


          I  d o n ' t  have the strength


   To do what you


o n c e  u p o n  a  t i m e  did


            But I will stand h e r e


If you decide to come back


   Ignoring my c r i e s this time to


         P l e a s e


                  D o n ' t


                           G o . . .


But you're g o n e


             And still,



I  h o l d  o n

Im consumed with this thought

This yearning of someone who cares

And in the end

If it isn't with blood

It doesn't exist

I wasn't good enough for my past

And now I just float,

Hoping to fimd a light of my own

Not a light to show me everything wonderful

That replaced me and everything

I could never be

Just a comforting light that is warm and says

This world would be so worthless without you

The ultimate question here.

Do I sleep my life away or

Do I forgive myself for the things I can't change?

Because they aren't losing sleep over my pain

And you can never take back the things you did but it doesn't mean it's who you are anymore.