The ultimate question here.

Do I sleep my life away or

Do I forgive myself for the things I can't change?

Because they aren't losing sleep over my pain

And you can never take back the things you did but it doesn't mean it's who you are anymore.

Who am I?
I am the abandoned building
along the vacant street
I am the whirlwind in a storm
of regret and intoxication
I am the calm of a hushed whisper,
The goose bumps and raised hair
I am a nurturing stigma,
The thing good enough to
Never really be enough
I am the bite of a plump lip,
The shared dreams on leather seats
I am the crying in the dead of night
because you want it to be over but
you just *know when it's gone,
you will have nothing left
I am the drug of choice,
The brown liquid to wash it down
The shake of hands you blame on nerves
I am the elephant in the room,
Do you remember me?
Take a minute from rubbing the salt in,
Do you see me? Do you hear me?
Family, blood..it's never been enough.
I strive to matter to someone that isn't obligated to care
I dream of bus rides and religion
While mourn the boy I made feel wasn't enough
But he was the one to say it back.
Third time's the charm,
And if it doesn't happen it wasn't meant to be
Take a minute from his busy life,
Does he remember the way I cared?
He doesn't want the best for me
No one could conceive the possibility
To ever believe that
If it wasn't meant to be,
Just know,
I will always love you

I wonder if I did
The right thing with you
Would you be here today?

Would you get bored,
Find something better and
Eventually walk away?

That's the mindset of someone
Who was told they weren't good enough
At a young age

I'd search the world
To find out who you really were,
Creat delusions of you caring
But not about how I look
Or what I'm remembered for

Just caring about me

And maybe you would have
If I never met him,
It's been a whirlwind for so long
At least your guessing game
Is as consistent as me
Ruining everything

It was time to go,


                  She's impatient but


      I'm obligated to love her for


This life that allowed me to once


             Know of who you w e r e


  I'm not one for physical contact,


             I'm sure s o m e o n e ( s ) ,


           s o m e w h e r e


               could easily confirm this


As still relevant for  t o d a y


        But you are  h e r e , but


                you really are not


     Because you are g o n e


           And I have moisture on my


L e s s. t h a n  p e r f e c t  f a c e


           But I'm in a hurry this time


              To wipe it off without the


   Urgency to not make her mad


Because she is wild and she is


        ******* i n g  c r a z y  but


She is beautiful in the way


          When s he finds something,


    When s he finds some o n e


                 That made her feel a


Fraction of what she wanted


        Them to feel,


             She will love them until


    Her breathing stops


                  And all t h e s e


   Dreams are turned to stars


        That will help the few that


            Will  m a g i c a l l y  meet


     Keep hope and never, e v e r


                Let them slip through


     Their fingers


        And so you're  g o i n g  but


         There is no one rushing you


          I  d o n ' t  have the strength


   To do what you


o n c e  u p o n  a  t i m e  did


            But I will stand h e r e


If you decide to come back


   Ignoring my c r i e s this time to


         P l e a s e


                  D o n ' t


                           G o . . .


But you're g o n e


             And still,



I  h o l d  o n

To dwindle
is to linger,

Crying out
is to crack a
finger.

I enjoy the quiet,
it's my lonesome,
it is my only
friend.

The rush of wind
as I breathe in.

I exhale you,
and all the
bad things
you like to do.

I'm not one
to judge for a past,
so I won't
fight back.

You came,
you saw,
you left your mark.

But to be
fooled by a fool
is to still care
and always be
there.

You're a friend
of a friend,
and I'm the
third friend.
How does it feel
when the one
you took for granted
doesn't see all
that enchantment?

To ask you
is to be burdening,
for the whispers of
'just try, you never
know'

To play with
ones heart and
well intentions
is the only crime
I can forsee.

To the past
it is a lesson
To the present
you are not
a blessing.

I wonder why
people are utterly so
mean and careless
in the world and times
have changed a lot
since then.

I was mean and destructive,
fell far off course and became
some horrible person.
I lost myself and the sight
I should have kept.

I hope life continues
to treat you with the utmost kindest ways
and I hope there's rough times
but I know you'd make it
through them easily.

And maybe my words,
they don't mean what they did
to you back then.
But I am so proud of you.
I'm sorry life disfigured me,
turned me into what isn't enough.

But I'm finding my way again
And regardless of what anyone thinks of me,
or how they believe
I don't deserve an easy life,
I know I can make it through.

Because you're not that same person and
neither will I ever be.
Some people go in phases of three within their life.
Who they were,
Who they became,
And the person they choose to be.

I don't want to be negative anymore,
I don't want to be bitter towards everyone
Bitter to the point it's hard to hold a conversation with me.
I don't want to look for the bad in people.
I don't want to have to be numb to be able to feel like I'm something worth more than dirt.

I don't want to be ******* myself
and bring everyone down.
I want to be the person that still goes up and asks old people if they need help.
Not because I feel like I have to keep that up,
to withstand the appearance that I'm fine and normal
But because I want to help people
I don't want to put myself down with the way I look or think.
I know I'm not perfect but I know someone out there
Will see past the insecurities and physical
And just see that my bite isn't anything like the way I feel,
Like you once did

I don't know the person you are now and I don't think I ever will,
But I choose to believe you wouldn't be so mean.
I choose to believe you're still nice and caring like you were.
And that will help me get through my hard days
And will help me remember how far I'll have come on my bad days.

Whoever you are now,
I hope life is beautiful and brilliant because that's all I wanted for the boy I knew back then.

Train A takes 30 minutes
To get to the station,

Passenger J takes 20minutes
To get to the station

Train A has 10 minutes before departure
How many cowtails can Passenger J eat
While fixing a cowlick

Before Train A leaves?

I write frequently about you now.
It's all I can seem to do to stay sane.
I like to believe I'll be free one day, free like I was when I met you. Free before the storms of regret and life in general set in.
I know I should get up, go do something and have fun. But I've never felt so alone. It's probably not even half of what I truly deserve.
I'd like to believe that you are the same nice and caring you. You would wish me the best and let me know that I will never be alone even though you'll never be here. And I don't think I have experienced a darker time in my life, and all I really needed is you. But you sent that part of you far away and I wonder if it came back here, lurking in the corners until it was found.
It was found. And it will never be replaced or taken away again.
If there is one thing I wish I could tell you it's this,

You are you
And he is he
Please never mistake the two
Because he is a haunting I no longer wished to have known
And I will take you wherever I go.

I realize how horrible that is. I can never take what I did back. My second biggest regret will never trying harder to reach out to you. My biggest will always never realizing it was always you. A silly face drowned out by the shadow from the sun, it's something I will never forget. And even when I'm mad and lost with things I don't understand, even though my words don't mean anything to you anymore and aren't reason enough to write songs of. I hope you find it in you to trust me when I say that I hope you have endless silly faces. I hope even when the suns shadow covers your face, the light you both give off brings it back from the unwanted dark.
And I don't know if I'll find myself again or if I'll find someone else.
The only thing I do know is that I will always keep that part of our lives in my heart.

you can
decieve me,
plant fear in me,
string me along,
run my name
through the mud.
you can break spirts,
break the threshold
between eyes and cheeks,
break my hope and
all that I hold,
but you will never
break me.
if you're such a man
of god,
come back and find out
that you are just
one in the same,
with your little head games.
you can laugh at me,
you can splash mud on me,
you can embarrass me,
but that will never
put you above me
or bellow.

Heartbreak

Drug use

So much drugs

Pass the time while

Laying around high

Comatose to the couch

I'd watch my hand lag in front of my face

Skipped school too done to care

Katy Perry was a teenage dream

My brother said to stay away,

He said I didn't know who I was hanging out with

He also said my mouth would get me in trouble one day

You said it's my choice but I'm making the wrong one,

Dad yelled and said he loved me and knew I was so dumb

If ear exams were made of acknowledging clear signs

I'd be considered deaf

Come on,
Color speck boy
It takes more than that this time

I can see through it
But I still have to look at the ground

Don't worry,
Color speck boy
It's like that with every guy
You are no different

Even the boys that don't
Make me feel intoxicated
Has the same power over me,
Makes me coward away
Like I'm indifferent, lacking,
Never good enough

And I've made plenty of them,
Color speck boy
If each mess was a drug
I would just now be coming down
From all the highs

So I'll stir it up and
Down it later,
Preferably in the dead of night
So no one can hear,
No one can see or know
That I am dying,
Crying for the things I lack,
The things I can never get back,
Every little and big things that
Make me not enough for the guys
That make us connected

Because you know of me,
I know of you
You've heard of me,
I have heard of you
But you will never know me
Like I want him to

Turquoise in a set of four,
a catch halfway closing the door.
They have seen this life lived,
the aftermath of lies wish were never told,
and the life desperately seeked that was long ago sold
to the demons unwillingly kept in minds streets.
They don't want anymore.

New faces, new places and
new things.
No paint could cover the grudges formed with words made of sickly thorns.
They haunt 'ever presently should go,
the three ghosts that each hold
stories in the turquoise that used to be known.

Fading in and out of reality,
past has already passed the best of infinite.
Sunken to new low,
drowning in this currents flow.
Self hate, self medicate to
make the inevitable come slow.

Orange you glad to see me
Isn't the start

It goes back to school buses
And unbreakable trust

It's how you lost the one
That hugged strangers,
Told them you cared about them

The church camp and
Mean people with nothing
Better to do

It's a dwindled fire,
But it's still inside of you

He drove past me
Like I was nothing

Couldn't even be yourself
But here I am.

I am messy,
A burden too everyone
But I am kind
Too much sassy
With a touch of tenderness

A liar
But a dreamer

I used to be mine
And you could have loved me,
Could have cared

But I'll get drunk and womder
Where you are
And your friend that's strictly friends
Can judge me

But you lied too

I can feel my bones better
And I know what you're thinking, Tommy,

Why would I try to stay relevant?
The question is
When did I ever become basic

Because it's a hard life to live
Wanting someone to come out
Of the woodwork to show me they care

When it's easier to pop open
Cold ones to point a gun finger
To my head and say,
"Here I am"

And I am broken,
Like cool ranch chips under your feet
I am dying to be gone

I want to matter to someone

Be fine china in their arms,
Delicate and a daydream
To be a wonderland for their mind
And a restlessness in their heart

But I'll keep counting cans
While throwing up,
It was never easy destroying everything
Because I wasn't good enough

Count the spaces in between,
It's simple as one, two, three
I hate everything about me
And it's clear to see

But
Here
I
Am

I encountered two addicts today.
One didn't even attemp to hide it
As she spaced out, listening to me
She licked her fingers and touched my change,
I almost wanted to complain
But I didn't

I have been there before,
Numb to the world,
Wanting the next fix
Slow movements and slurred words

Smack!
Like the ant size of my worth,
Crush it on the counter

And out of the 700 things you could have said,
You said that.
I'm sure somewhere written between the pages
That I spit on, yelled at, cried on, punched and scratched
It says for you to do it

I am an addict myself,
The only unconditional love I have ever found
Hardly asks for anything,
Is faithful through and through
The coldest of loves but keeps me warm,
Keeps me alive

But there's other addictions that's worse,
Far more dangerous
And that's where you fall

Because I remember you too
And you are far different from back then

My ant sized worth has been squished and kicked around,
Forgotten, regretted, hated
I am laying on my back in this ocean of life,
And I almost get to shore until the smallest of waves
Breaks on my face and fills my mouth
And I am drowning,
Lost in everything wrong and everything that could be right


But you are not alone

I don't know.
Maybe I should

just tell him.

I don't know.
Maybe I should

just end it all.

Right now.

I mean,

that's what lardas-ses do,

right?

The one with trust issues,

not to mention the only

thing im good at is

making boys moan with this mouth.

I don't know.
Do you?

Hey
Maybe you're just
Another level in the scheme of things
Or maybe you're different

But don't think you
Don't matter, ever
Because there are real people
That genuinely feel indifferent
Like me

And they can be petty
And they can be mean
But everyone gets what they deserve

So let them feel that way
Be classy and hold your head up
Life is a **** show and
Those people

They are the turds of
All your wildest dreams

These old bones
that I have selfishly made
my only home
carry me to places
of the unknown.
They take me far away,
the place I'd spent most
of my days one year.
But I am greeted with
emptiness and regret.
I search the dirt sands,
digging with my weak hands.
My tears make puddles
that turn into mud.
I scream your name,
the words only met with
my heart like blank duds.
I stand and clean the dirt off.
I am no longer needed here,
so my feet take off.
I end up near the place
that I first started.
Heart in a race,
I find your face.
"Can't you see?
People can change.
Why didn't you tell me
instead of playing a game
of hide and seek?"
But I'm only met
with a pistol to my brain.
With my body riddled with meek,
I find that this bridge is nothing
but ashes under your feet.
Tears fall from my eyes,
the eyes that tries but never finds
what my heart yearns to meet.
I will spend a lifetime
using the liquid unseen,
trying to wash away
the blackened dust
for being someone
you will never
trust.

I was supposed to get him a two liter
And his favorite candy cake
But all I can do is cry in rough filters
And seem to hallucinate
He didn't want me to smoke
But he condescendingly rolls fat ones to ****
And I was self conscious about my weight
But he told me to stop and planned our special date
I was childish and said no
But now I have to look back and never know
And when you learn your lessons a day too late,
That's when tomorrow never came with fate

Hand tattoos

I remember it now

Hands and

I could show you what these hands do

your body                        
is art
your words
are satire
your hearts
a galaxy
your soul
could be my
remedy
your eyes
are maps
your arms
could be my
favorite place
to take naps



                        do you know
                             you're in
                               my head?

My brother always told me,
'That mouth of yours is gonna get you in trouble one day,'
But by that time it was already too late.
My mouth did a lot of things.
Built boy's up in a pair of two,
Told pretty lies and
was never really good at hiding my disguise.
Let me pass on some beautiful things,
lashing out for the fear of what mean boy's bring.
Broke several strings,
hurt beautiful boy's with tongue rings.
If ever it broke your spirt,
it'd say sorry.
But what's the point of saying things
they'll never believe or worry
to hear?

Sunken darkness,
my lonely friend.
If only you
had been open,
what could have been?
It's much too late
to shout questions
into the dark.
I had only begun
at the very end.