This is poetry,
It's me writing what
I truly feel inside,
What I feel when
I am reminded of a time

And I have experienced
So many times since then
And I have experienced
So many times that have
Nothing to do with this

That last one reminded, it knocked
The hell out of me in a way
That is undeniable
I wish I could say
I'm sorry to him
Not for how it ended
But because it was never him

I remember thinking
At the beginning that
He would be a momentary filler
That it would last a month,
Maybe two months
And that it was really because
I was just waiting for you

And along the way,
He made me forget because
I let myself forget everything
And he made me feel loved
And he made me feel wanted
And I did love him then and I did want him then
And he made me a horrible
Disfigured form of who I was
Because I chose to let him and
Myself become that

It wasn't real and it wasn't fake
I did love him, he was a part of
My growing life and I wish
I could tell him that
Im sorry for being such a
Horrible humain being,
Just ******* out everything
Because I needed to feel whole
And it's because...
I wasn't whole, I wasn't really anything
Because I left who I was,
I left everything back there,
I left it with you

And it's inexcusable what I did
And how I hurt people
All along the way,
It was my very own form
Of a thick wall, it wasn't who
I truly am
None of this is
The lying, the drugs,
The endless suffering
I have to let go of that part,
That wall isn't who I am anymore

And even though you moved on,
You may not even believe
Anything I say in this,
I can feel the carefree and innocence that I was before
I eventually met you and
The joyful, brave, courageous person
You once made me after I met you

And if I never see you again,
If I never talk to you or hear from you again,
I do love you
I love you in the simplest of ways
And I love you in the most agonizingly difficult for the brain to comprehend ways
I love who you made me and I hate who I let myself become
But I love how you and myself reminded me
Of everything I used to be
And I take this love that I have for you and I take this relearning to love love for myself
And I'm becoming who I was but turning it into
Who I am with the who I used to be
And I can only ever thank you and me for who I will be

And I wish you could see this journey,
I wish you could experience the final,
The new and improved
And in a way you will because I'm taking you everywhere I go
And it will be met with every ghost and regret I have ever went through and made,
Probably more than once will they be met,
But regardless of what happens,
I will walk out of it and continue,
With you inside of me

I'm sorry if I let you down,
And if that's the reason you will never be actually around
I'm sorry I can't take back what I did and the things I said
But if we somehow meet again along this way
I swear I hope you're happy and free and even when im
Bitter and angry at you or myself or the world,
I will always be here for you and I swear I will never let myself
Forget you in any way possible

You completed me in a way that I could never understand
You made me feel a way I had never felt before
You made me a better version of myself,
Sure I still had doubt and self esteem problems,
But you made me strong and brave and fierce and happy and loving and determined and youthful and an endless kind of happy and love
That follows you everywhere you go even when
You can't see it or if you forget it and no longer
Can you feel it in or around you

Even though I'm so freaking down right now
And I cry and feel angry and hurt and confused
Because I still have doubts and self esteem problems
And trust issues and so many more issues,
I can feel it again and you know what?
It's the best feeling I've had in so long that I don't honestly know
How to contain it
It's burning inside me and it's wanting to be set free to spread through
Every vein and muscle and inch of my body

And I love it,
I love this feeling and I feel like it's a feeling that loves me too
And it's foreign but remembered and that makes me love it even more
And I'm starting to love myself again slowly and I know it takes time and
I hate how im still so impatient with everything and how
I envy those with patience because that's a part of who they are and
It's not a part of me but it may eventually be because who knows what the future holds

And I hope your present is bright and fruitful and
Somehow everyday something happens and you find
Even more of a reason to beam so brightly
And everyday after that is bigger and better and warmer
Because I love you like I have never loved anyone because there was never supposed to be anyone but you

And if the possibility of someone else in the future arouses,
If everything is really too late,
I will never let them change me unless it's positive
They can add onto what I and yourself helped put into me
And you will still never go away,
This love for you will never go away like it never really did,
Just fogged and pushed away
But it isn't anymore, it never will be again

Because I enjoy this love,
It doesn't feel weighed down and suppressed with the liability of demands and expectations
It's pure and whole and giving and peaceful
It's a love that is loved