Speak to me not of lovers
Who hold each other close
Time is running short now
Speak to me of woes
Tell me your misfortunes
I’ve had enough of hearts
I’ve had enough of soft looks
And whispers in the dark
I’ve had enough of lying
I’m sick to death of tears
No more sense in trying
To unravel all these years
Speak to me of justice
Should such a thing exist
Speak to me of understanding
Miraculous — a myth
Out here on the launch pad
I’m destitute and lost
Speak to me of endings
Speak to me of cost
One thing is for certain
The wind pierces my sorrow
The water moves me
Forcefully towards
Visions of tomorrow
Whether you are there
Or not
Whether I’m alone
Matters not
It matters not
Up here on my throne
Speak to me of caution
Speak to me of blows
Speak to me not of lovers
Arms linked and moving slow
Speak to me of wisdom
And the courage to break
And grow

All so close
Then slipped away
Rip tide please
Carry my weight
No more helping
Not that way
Oh, true love
Circling real pain
It’s alright
It’s okay
You’ve got to save
Your own day

Who you are
To me is vague
I’ve got scars
Emotions like waves
They recede and return
They shape the world
In layers that fade
While the sun burns

After all the jacks are in their boxes
And the clowns have all gone to bed
You can hear happiness staggering on down the street
Footprints dressed in red
And the wind whispers, "Mary"
A broom is drearily sweeping
Up the broken pieces of yesterday's life
Somewhere, a queen is weeping
Somewhere, a king has no wife
And the wind, it cries, "Mary"
The traffic lights, they turn blue tomorrow
And shine their emptiness down on my bed
The tiny island sags downstream
'Cause the life that lived is dead
And the wind screams, "Mary"
Will the wind ever remember
The names it has blown in the past?
And with this crutch, its old age and its wisdom
It whispers, "No, this will be the last"
And the wind cries, "Mary"

Can you feel it? You’re alive
Feel that? Your spirit
Your essence
Cherish it and
Your way of expressing it
You lack nothing
Nothing!
Travel inside
Bask in it
Don’t be afraid
Of your own glory

I know you
I know your beauty
I’ve seen you break
I’ve seen you fall
But it doesn’t matter
I love you truly
I see you shine
I believe in you
No mistake can drag you down
From the pedestal
You occupy
In my realm
Kinship of the heart
Can be ******
Or not
Or used to be
Or might be
Beyond that
Love is greater than
***
Love is everything
Or God
And books

I have so much of it
Love
I am at risk
Made like this
I accept my
Dramatic flair
My hot tears
The depth of
This pain, but
I’m glad
Because it means
I am still here
To try again

Life is a lonely road towards death
We try our best to pass the test
Love brings joy
Before smashing hearts
On ragged cliffs

It’s so very quiet
Surf thunders close
Sounding distant,
A trick, as
Palm fronds rustle, and
Leafy friction reverberates
In the gentle, swollen breeze
Speak to me!
If you please
I beseech the council of trees
Teach me
What am I clinging to
What is love
Who am I today
I call out for
Guidance from above
My solitude is not
My failure
Even in my leisure
Even in self-love
I gasp at the signs
The wonders
I grieve
Hoping for reprieve
Yet faith-full
Again that
Miracles of alchemy
Dot the landscape
Of my destiny

I was so mad at you one day
Your gruff ways — slights that
Pile up in subtle ways
You don’t notice them, for me
It’s death by a thousand cuts
We got in the car and you turned on a song
As we pulled on the Drive
You began singing along
Your strong baritone, expressing real joy
I was aghast with myself and began to cry
Behind my sunglasses
So our daughter wouldn’t see
I felt the gorgeous spirit of
Our love all around me
So, fragile that I am, in matters of the heart
That’s when my tears of joy started to fall

As I listen now again —
And again, and again,
I remember the tapestry
That brought us together
I remember what you said to me
During the birth of our baby
******* whispers
About how we shocked the neighbors
Like in that Bukowski essay
To trick my spirit happily
Knowing I could not control
Them cutting me open
Naked in crucifix position
Helpless and terrified
I needed your intervention
You took me away to our special place
I didn’t even notice
You looking over the curtain
At my glistening insides
I know you inside and out now, baby
You repeated this to me for years
As well as remembering every
Small detail of our hallowed courtship
And repeating
Them to me like prayers
On many romantic occasions

I listened again and I cried —- yes, again!
How could I have doubted you?
How could we get so mean?
To each other! Such speed and carelessness,
Such misunderstandings
So many angry words
But whenever my heart opens to the field
What I feel and what I know
Are completely real
I can tell you my love for you
Will still be strong
After any of these storms
Have come and gone

I try not to but I need to have you
Maybe it’s true what you said
About my hormones as doomed
As Custer and just as reckless

There are many things I’m willing to give you credit for on nights like this
Even if nothing happens tonight —
It’s the notched up compatibility
In our chemistry
For every polar opposite belief

If I had more faith and perseverance
in my magic
What seems impossible now could
actually arrive
Considering the fodder for metamorphosis I’ve been dealt

I spend perhaps too much time in lament
And not enough
creating my own deliverance

Every time I do,
You appear.

I started at the end of my rope. Nothing worked, I’d lost hope. Shattered dishes, shattered heart, I tried to work on it but it all fell straight apart. I was out of my mind, my heart was a stone. I was feeling terribly, terribly ******* alone. I could not please you. You kept your distance. Everything was my fault, even the smallest instance of miscommunication or confusion. You create such impenetrable fortresses of your innocence from illusions.

Oh, foul moments! You eviscerate me! I long for peak summer sea, body surfing and palm breezes. Subsequently, I was magically reassured by what the oracle revealed to me. The Birch tree! The Great Mother is now with me. No wonder it hurts, growth always does, and I honestly can live without you for a while in this corner of the castle, you’ll always be in my heart but today I cannot abide the lies, I must be honest with my Mother.

The action to take — I knew it already! Hold balance steady, my energy dialectical. Beyond duality, there is a mystery! The path there requires that I know my history thoroughly then forget it momentarily as I leap, empty-handed, into the void of the bright Day. If you stay, I will no longer be angry with you, because I will have forgiven myself.

If you are true to yourself, you cannot fail She said and so I will endeavor to do, leading me to the Yew, the endless everything that connects Here to There. Into the four winds go I, God is Change, Change is God. I am an alchemist.

It is right to give thanks even when we grieve. Sometimes the universe grants a reprieve. Maybe just a minute, or sometimes even an hour. We all have within us this heavenly power.

I didn’t think it would be
So lonely
I didn’t know you would be
So distant
I didn’t realize your passion
Was so contained
I never wanted
This silence

If my thoughts create my reality
I must be thinking
So lonely —  
So distant,
Contained, and silent
I must have wanted
Your disdain

I must have wanted
Endless refrains of critique
Roller coaster rides
Through scenic glens of heartbreak
Towering signs
Of failure
Up ahead

Hold on, I say to me
Until the love
Is dead

I give myself this hour
Just one small hour
I am free in my own mind

I’ll chain smoke
Until they’re gone
Lose everything I tried to find

Nothing’s wrong
Or everything is
I came clean, left it behind

Build a fort
Tunnel in
Can’t breathe but I have to hide

Betray myself, always myself
With weakness, vanity
And pride

Find myself
Never another
In this small kernel of life

The one I found
Buried here
A layer beneath
The sky

Postcards and letters
T-shirts and sweaters
Passports and Parkas
Mobiles and chargers
Two tennis rackets
Blue Rizla packets
A new sheep-skin jacket
I lost it all
All through my life there have been
Many rare and precious things
I have tried to call mine
But I just cannot seem
To keep hold of anything
For more than a short time
Possessions of a sentimental kind
They were mine, now they're not
Gym-kits and trainers
Asthma inhalers
Silk-cuts and Bennies
Ten-packs and twenties
C-class narcotics
Antibiotics
The holes in my pockets
I lost it all
All that I'd like is to know
Just where do those lost things go?
When they slip from my hands
Then one night in a dream
I passed through a sheepskin screen
To a green, pleasant land
I found them all piled up into the sky
And I cried tears of joy


The Divine Comedy
https://youtu.be/LRYObCtDriA

Bring me back my love
Whom god hath torn asunder
Bring me back my love
I can stand the solitude no longer

Darling come to me
Darling please
Don’t leave me alone

Wherever you may be
Is where my spirit longs to be
Talk to me, darling
I’m still me
I may not be with you
On Earth anymore
I know we said goodbye in one way
That night on that floor
But darling I love you
Always and true
Nothing could take me away from you
Daily and nightly I shall persevere
Until the right day that you find me here
And then we shall continue
The work we began
For the seventh generation
To make its stand
All is well here on Earth
For just one more day
Let us fly off together briefly
Like the pair of
Monarchs we are

Right next to the
Sane and rhyming description
Of the things I keep resisting
Is the wailing banshee of doom
Seething stealthily into this room

You don’t want a sad face!
Ah, but nor do I —
Still I sleep and rise alone
Still I have tears to cry
You are just the way you are
There’s naught that I can do
Floating here in the morning light
Feeling it through and through

And then I think of money
And I really start to sob
I just seem to get nowhere
Although I’m glad to have a job
I do good work, cash comes in
I turn around and it all goes out again

Everyone knows the drill
The Man has pockets to fill
Baby needs new shoes
Mama has the all-time blues

When is the moment of my
Great Escape?
Who will pull me from this
Hopeless Outrage?
Obviously, now, and
Obviously, me
The clouds glow softly
As light kisses the city

Longing! How dreary to the soul!
Perpetually wishing for more
Of your essence mixed with mine
Long intervals filled with pining
The minutes meander through my worries
Words spill out in a flurry
Nothing can contain them
Certainly not the fraying
Basket of my wisdom

Go to the source
Says the voice
Back in March
She tapped me right on the shoulder
And I heard her say in my mind
Heal your inner child!
This child so confused
By not-quite abuse
She still lives in me
She wants to be free

Out here with the fireflies
And the waning light
I shiver in the cold
Chicago summer night
You want to sit
I need to walk —
I’m anxious, I say
I know, it’s alright,
You say reassuringly
Just go ahead
Go on and hike
I’ll be inside waiting
We’re alone tonight

I love the nighttime
Or at least its onset
All red and purple
Another one - we made it
We are still intact
And I don’t just mean us
I mean the actions
The values
Our purpose

There are so many things
I dread talking about
With you - how did
Such a state of affairs
Ever even start?
At one point talking
Was all that we had
Forgive me if it always
Makes me so sad
Yet I also believe
Despite what some think
I’m growing, and magic
I sparkle, and glisten!

You can’t even contain me
My depth is in fathoms
I dance nightly with Trickster
I rearrange my atoms
I release you, darling from that
Bogus obligation
To complete me —
I cherish my essence
And lack nothing
My way of being
Is unique and powerful
This prevails even when I’m
Mournful and sorrowful

Take heart! It is I!
The Captain at large
I stand ever at the helm
Maneuvering the barge
Don’t worry, fear not
I am studied and quick
I’ll overtake any entity
That ***** with my ****

So cold, light but
Nothing warm
No cloud but always
Still the storm
No recourse and
Unfortunately
Still alarmed
Wrapped up
In a blanket
Today — unharmed
As of yet, but still
Gravely warned
Even so
Lavender light
Bathes bare arms

Take me away
Calgon or other
No more things
Such a bother
And a waste!
An abominable waste
Why did we ever?
Such a disgrace

Swirling in fear
Chaos is near
Fascists are looming
The West is burning
Rid me of possessions
Learn me a lesson
Practice handling
A trusted weapon

Not now, though!
All is still well
Intact, rat race
Overdue bill
Now see me here
Trembling and free
Have an adventure
With beautiful me
Take me to
That other place
Hold me tight
Fill me up
With your grace
Until it spills
Down my thigh
Lift me high
Hear me sigh
Until the world
Crashes and burns
We can stay here
Just taking turns

When are you gonna come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man
You know you can't hold me forever
I didn't sign up with you
I'm not a present for your friends to open
This boy's too young to be singing the blues

So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plough
Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the ***** back toad
Oh I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road

What do you think you'll do then
I bet that'll shoot down your plane
It'll take you a couple of ***** and tonics
To set you on your feet again
Maybe you'll get a replacement
There's plenty like me to be found
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground

Help has arrived
It came from within
What a surprise
To find I can win
Nothing is perfect
The fire is still there
You still confuse me
There’s still much to bear

Despite the shouting
The cruel, angry words
Your spirit does love me
My fears are absurd
What’s meant to be between us
Cannot be otherwise
We created it that way
Under Parisian skies

Fifteen years it took
For me to understand
The person you are
Your own kind of man
We may not agree
On much, from the start
Yet all is aligned
In our matters of heart

I want to smash every
******* object
In this room
Make debris of a life
I can’t make work
**** that ******* elusive swoon
I just can’t abide
I smash hope into the dirt

Relentless loneliness
Recurring riptides
Sweeping me out so far
Perhaps in the sea I can hide
Lonely mornings
Lonely noon, even more
With the moon
Still visible, mocking me
And my angst
Lonely lunch, you feed me
So I eat, at least
Lonely afternoon, you
In the next room
Barely look up
In my soul the deepest gloom
Lonely walk in the park
I pray and I smoke
Stay out until dark
Then back to my room
Lonely evening
Oh! 30 minutes of *******!
A fast goodnight
Excruciatingly fleeting
Lonely sleep
Toss and turn
I don’t feel right  
My skin burns
The worst I’ve ever
Felt gets worse
On sight

I’m so grateful it’s
Only my heart tonight
I’m so grateful I’m
Practiced in the art
Of depression, isolation
You want joy!
I am aghast!
Such abomination!
I must let go
Of all things past
I swim in a black sea
Of worry and regret
Nothing I’ve said
Nothing! Has helped

I throw up my hands!
I give up, good God!
I have no solution!
Moreover — it is
Obvious! That progress
Is a potion that
Can only come
From within
Within me! Yes — me!
That just can’t be
Please God
Please, Someone
Please help me

I strip the sheets from
My lonely bed
I tremble with anguish
At what remains unsaid
I panic again
The aloneness wins
I can’t seem to bear
Its various sins

Nothing is wrong, yet
Everything’s awry
Beauty surrounds
A Mystery Sky
Please help me, I pray
Help me to be
Alright and steady
Wondrous me

If I’m beautiful
In the forest
And nobody sees me
What happens then,
To my lustrous beauty?
It’s so immaterial
An unneeded question
Beauty is a trick
It’s not the bastion

I’ve been seeking
Nor is Love
Nor is your touch
There’s just only me
Always “too much”
It makes no sense
I swim in these waters
Dead cold fingertips
Lamb to the slaughter
Sickening sinking
Shaking and sweating
You’re no good for me
You are everything

Am I ok in this moment?
Yes, I am whole
Terrible minutes and hours
The dark, dark hole
I sink into when he’s gone
Is useful in a way
It helps me to rise
Again, above the fray
There, I contemplate
The relentless gutting pain
Of this loneliness creation
This hollow empty frame

My angel, my guide
My source, my pride
My energy, my love
Come fill me up, don’t hide
Your energy from me,
I need it so desperately
To set my heart free
To set my heart free

Breathe
Create a Magic Forest and
Walk through it, treading lightly and
Beset upon by fireflies —
In the dark, the blessed dark
I still miss my illusions, but
Thankfully I’ve identified
Yet another of the lies that
I’ve been telling myself
About us

Notice
The splendor of the whiteness that
Exists in the dark blue of night
In the clouds
The way they carry long-gone light
Somehow, these illusions teach us
To be grateful for existence
This can sometimes offer the necessary consolation

Learn
See those lies — you know the ones
It feels like righteous indignation —
You can’t help but recognize it, it’s
A very high horse
Very high indeed
I have long felt so lost about all this, so
Unwilling to take responsibility
For the chaos I created
In the past

Give
A tiny bit or a lot, give what I need
I keep forgetting that, too
Forgetting to be humble — and lest
Anyone worry
Regarding the object of my humility
I haven’t capitulated in the least
I am humble before Creation
Not a man

Shine
In your eyes because I know them,
And you, I know you, it’s just
That I’m afraid of you, yes
That I’m afraid of you is hard to admit
Because sticks and stones, right?
You only ever use words
You love babies, and our baby, and me
You insist the sun shines out of my ***, even, but I don’t have faith
So I barely try
Because I’m afraid!
Of one cutting word
Just one
I don’t need faith in you, darling and
Love of my life
******* soul mate I would never, ever get over, no ******* way, no matter how much I hate you sometimes and I even tell you that but it doesn’t matter it’s still hard
To shine means I have faith in me
Loving you beyond my fear
Requires that I glow

Pray
*I seek strength not to be greater than my Beloved, but to fight my greatest enemy, myself

Catch you on the
Blindside where your best
Tricks await me to take the wind
Right out of my sails and
Bait me to anger

You must not consider or
Really even think about or care
About my feelings but
You say you do and
Insist it is so
And so this
Makes
Sense in
Your world

That place where I’m searching
For your attention and reeling from
Condescension and the
Rejection created by
You and your priorities
Or is it the delivery
of your goodbyes
I don’t know
Anymore

I swear to God
(Please help me)
I was about to write a
Happy poem about
Signs and Wonders
Summer’s Cauldron and
Other delights — even
This morning with the waning gibbous Moon, as She likes to keep company
With the rising Sun — these few days a month their romance blooms

Like ours — there are moments
Even a ******* foundation, baby
You said so yourself and I
Don’t understand, never
Did get your way of
Negotiating
Connections
And I’m
Heartbroken
Today like a teen-
Aged girl who doesn’t yet
Know that this is the constant
State of Love, no fleeting passage of
Pain and whimsy tantrums like the
Ones well-fed toddlers have —
Those meltdowns the
******* likes of
Which you’ve
Never
Even
*******
Seen

Don’t worry, though, apart from
A few brutal texts to you to threaten
You with my venom and lies
You won’t hear from
Me I can’t dwell
Here in this
Bubble of
Nonsense
And Hurt
I’ll go to
No place
And be
Nobody
Again
Yes, ******* again
For the
Livelong Day

What happens when the desire to better myself disappears?
Some days I don’t even
Want to take care of
This body and soul
Called “me”

Not that you notice
Such variations

Checking off the activities
Ignoring your proclivities
Knowing it won’t change
Time is a collection of
Moments when the wind goes
Right out of my sails

You are content
Aren’t you? How would
I know? Your trust doesn’t
Extend to me
Your respect sidesteps
Who I really am

Oh but you don’t even know that,
You sneered one day
Darling, it’s you
Who knows not
The exquisite landscape
Of my molten heart

These are boring complaints
The days march by, wasted
Regrets and sorrow —
Hope has lost its taste
And I wait for tomorrow but
It’s just another day

Just another day
The banality of quarrels
The space to wallow in
Loneliness
The apathy of too late

The heaviness of
Broken wings

I hear from no-one about
The things that matter
Steadfastly alone in my tower
Above the Lake
The cycle of mourning begins

No money! No time! No love!
There’s food but
No appetite
There’s presence but
No wild nights! Wild nights —
I wish I’d never
Heard of such things

Please help me
Help me see
Help me elevate
Set my heart free

To be empty means
Letting go of desire
And resistance

But not joy or sadness

It means giving up control
And even surrender —
Give that up too, and just
Go with the flow
With that impetus
That life force
That fire

You’re right and I’m wrong
Or maybe not — we are
Spinning polarities
In a beautiful, angry knot

To be empty means
I let go of explaining
And love myself enough to
Push through the chrysalis
Hungry to become
The Real Me

It means knowing you may not be there — and everything can be stripped bare — but still I remain

Magnetic fields can travel fast
I don’t ever give up on my beautiful self, nor should you give up on yours

My orbit is strong
You are stronger
Yet all the territory
Within my circumference
Is now set free, by me —
I’m the ruler, you see
The leader of me

You’ll see what you see
Our commitment runs deep
Our faith we keep

How did it come to this
Who are you now to me?
I’m alright in this moment
Accepting to be lonely

Confused about the signs
The only move is to retreat
Again! But it’s deadly
For our love, this heat

Talking about anything —
Anything! A tug of war!
I retreat but you won’t come looking...
Here, near is so far

You don’t want to
Talk to me
Sit with me
Be with me
Grow with me
You won’t even be
Lonely with me
Or so, it seems

Logic says you’re wrong
You hurt me for too long
Love says you’re hurt
Persevere, find the worth
—
Later, the next day
Finding the words to say
You hearing me this time
Forget the past, just be mine

I am, he said, and
Though the tone fills me with dread —
I yank weeds of weakness from my head
I see beyond my familiar dead end

I ignore the hint of disapproval
I fill my voice with love
Sabotaging the sabotage
I make my voice small

Give me something to
Look forward to tonight
I said - and with a smile from you
Felt everything become alright

The thing is you do —
Very much and so do I —
Love is a given
With our children and
Despite it all
Every season

My prayer for you —
My greatest challenge —
My brightest love —
Is for you to always find
Safe Harbor somewhere in
My orbit, you said you hoped not to outlive me, darling that’s exactly—
Exactly!
How you love me and hurt me at the same time

You’ve told me how I do that to you, too.

Let’s not worry
About calling anything even
Lifting each other up
Is how we get to heaven

—

That evening, something I said
Reversed it all in your head —
Again
The tearing up inside has started —
Again
The loneliness you want me to hide —  
Again
Holding my weakness and humanity against me —
Again
Lashing out and then holding back your love!
Again

Help me
Show me a sign
I’m losing faith
Again

What keeps you here?
Shall I let you go?
How do I love beyond my fear
When I’m so very alone?

Recurring reversal
Mixed up signals
Anger through the roof

Divergent beliefs
We get no relief
From the battle of me vs you

All alone
Vacant phone
Not a ******* thing to do

You don’t hear me
You don’t believe me
What am I to you?

You stay away
Sabotaging the day
I’m beyond viscerally blue

A long time ago
We thought this would grow
Now we’re just destitute

You’re cruel and biting
Blaming, blaming
Reality blind or elusive

My vision was clear
You are the most dear
Our love most certainly true

Hence this pain so severe
Please help me to breathe —
To become something new

Waiting, worrying
Planning and unplanning
Mountains of things to do

Unable to focus
Unable to care
About anything that isn’t you

What can I cling to?
Please give me the energy
To help this love continue

Days turn to years
I love beyond my fears
The well of pain is deepest for you

In light of this battle
We might wonder
What separates
The enlightened man
From the savage

Is civilization (one hundred years)
An end in itself (is that all it takes)
Or just an advanced state (to romanticize)
Of barbarity (a genocide)

Manifest Destiny

Just two or three words
I’ve not much to say
I’m giving myself up today
I’m putting my life
Between your hands
Do what you want with me

Long ago (one hundred years)
I galloped with the wind (is that all it takes)
Now I’m giving up (to romanticize)
That’s all (a genocide)

Manifest Destiny
From sea to shining sea

I love the quiet rush of night that
The dusk ushers in, with
The Blood Moon rising over Lake Shore Drive, and
My mind fleeting over that many sins...
My spirit flounders as it soars
I cringe as I lean in
I barely find my way outside
Prisons of my own making.
It’s worth the careful review
The deep feel treatment
The danger lurking! gut check
The wild imagination
The powerful question
What will it take for me
To fill my own cup?
From the constellations down to
My spotless counters and my
Cluttered altars
I’m shedding instability —
Building foundation —
Grandmothers! I carry your burdens to the court of History
And I still sparkle with joy.

The moment I wake
It takes hold —
The grip of I don’t know

How to be rich
How to feel happy
How to let you go

I must change myself
I want to believe —
In the pink hues of dawn

Walking in beauty
Living devotion
With faith ever armed

Crippling unease
Instead grips my mind
My heart is heavy and cold

I will keep going
Oh, never fear
Despite the grueling flow —

The rumbling energy
Swirling and seeking
Screaming I don’t know!

The competing demands
The compounding pressure
The incessant solitude

Feel the earth
Touch the sky
It all comes back to you

We’ve created a world
In which our electric connection
Falters, fizzles, and fails

Please lift me up
I beseech myself
From the bottom of the well

It does its trick
Makes me feel slick
**** the flaws
There are no laws here

You come behind me
Pet me and exhale softly
Push me forward on the bed
I bend over so happily

A little too much glee —
That earns me a spanking
Hard and it makes me —
Quiver, moan, and cream

When I hear Ben Harper
Cover ‘****** Healing’
At the Hollywood Bowl
Who else in all the world
Could I think of but you?

When I told you my darkest
****** crimes and wounds
You said I was made for you
And you were made for me

The years go by and the
Only thing, baby,
The only thing —
I’ll miss in the other
Dimension
When death
Inevitably do
Us part

Is the sacred moment
So immense
Sans pretense
Completely present
In the unique scent
Of our deliverance.

Lust is a selfish genie
Part life force of the universe
Part energy of destruction
Depending on its subject - or
Object, actually,
In the heat of things, after all.
What else is beautiful
And ugly at the same time?
What else results in shameless highs
Alongside endless crying?
I may as well hate you
For all the passion I feel
And days like this —
When your allergy to feeling
Flares up, and I’m
Blindsided by
Indifference,
Its thudding push
Kicking up the
Tailspin into the
Thin-skinned nightmare, the
Bed of nails I built here,
Based on instructions received while
Growing up in a small-sized-traumatized-normal-American household —
Days like this oh yes you were right,
You are an unwitting victim
If my inability to cope with
What it is you’re
Not doing.
I don’t want to blame you
Or leave you so turn
Inward I must.
Away from the dream.

How will I set myself free?
Will you still be there, then, with me?
Sometimes choosing not
To care
To share
To dare
Is as freeing as falling in love,
And honestly **** that **** —
That’s reserved for me and you,
In a bubble
Somewhere far
From life — maybe the
Best Western aux Sables d’Olonne
Or Malibu, that one night —
I live there, for a time.
I am free in my own mind.

There are feelings,
And choices.
The kleptocracy wants us
All worn out on
Each others’ sleeves —
This makes it easier
To put us in platoons
And cubicles.
I’m learning what to choose.

I want you
With me
In me
On me
Feeling
Burning
Tasting
Taking
Both of us
Purified
Entwined in
Liquid fire

Daily
Tasks
Work and feeding
Cleaning
Weeping
Tending, heeding
Still burning
Still opening
Dreaming, dreaming
Just one thing
Bringing healing

Doubts and
Judgment
Neglect and
Waste
Obligations
Reservations
Boredom
Haste
My heartbeat slows
Sadness
Overtakes

Inside me
All these
Fifteen years
Momento mori
Nostalgia
Need
To resist
Is futile
So I ride
I speed
Sometimes I’m wrong
Sometimes I bleed.

Follow the ride
Back to the core
Body of pain
Embodied insane moments
Seared into a young heart
Strength unformed
Will dormant
it wasn’t your fault
Rings hollow today
When the behavior wake
(From his mistake...)
The one that yes, I made
— To cope! I had to do something —
Leaves spots of blood on the floor

Some suffer in violence
Others in perverted love
Either way violation
Can’t be undone
Unraveling the thread
Of that leaden feeling
That deadened feeling that —
Of all the feelings not that
But that’s what it was and
Nothing can ever change
What happened

In the wake
A threshold gets
Crossed and it’s not
Your fault darling
I love you and always have
So grateful we crossed paths
Our East coast West coast magic
Leaves me ecstatic
Our struggle doesn’t have
To be tragic, we are
Just preparing for flight
I’ll never give up
On that, never, and I’ll
Never lose faith in us
If we don’t love, then
Love doesn’t
Even exist  

I’ve been there
So many times
On the floor
Head in my hands
I would wail and no-one would come
Fake, they (you) thought —
Manipulative —
But it’s just this,
This ******* threshold
When the feeling —
When I feel it
I lose myself and seek
Insanity and destruction
I’m so sorry and
For so long I was
Ashamed

But lately I’ve felt
Just how far self-hate
Can go — I know
Take responsibility, yes
But — owning it
Doesn’t mean
Believing your
Essence is a
Mistake!

🦋

I did make
A lot of mistakes
Like you - that’s
Not a criticism, baby
It’s human we all
Fail, that’s how
We learn

I promise, though.
I promise to you
On my personal honor,
You know what I’m talking
About — it will stop

I didn’t think it
Was about this
But it is and
Please forgive me!
How long it took!
To figure it
Out since
The Days Inn
Glendale —August and
Everything after I
Just assumed
Because of the dream
I had where he and I were
Just innocently playing
That I was healed
But I didn’t do the
Work, baby I
Didn’t do the
******* work

I expected you
To save me
But that’s my job and
You deserve
Safe harbor, too

Let’s give it
To ourselves
And to
Each other.
Let’s put a blanket
On the ground and
Lay on our
Grandmother Earth
I am ten, you are fourteen
Let Her hold our child’s
Hearts
(And those of
Our siblings too)  
Let us be cradled
By creation
Let the sky see
Our gratitude  
For this life,
And for our time
Here together.

In sorrow, not greed
Lacking so much I needed
I found myself pleading
So much more than receiving

Giving off an air
A pale whiff of despair
Certain that no-one cared
No evidence contrary

I used to ask why
Why couldn’t you try
This would surely subside
If you’d only please try!

There was another question though -
Could love not break, but instead grow?
I look at you and know
(Gently, now)
We reap only what we sow

Something about your face
The way you hug me awake
They way my body shakes
You know just what it takes

You always say words can’t hurt
I would always beg to differ
Still, I know we can go deeper
With the courage to love beyond our fear

Knowing what I know now
About my sacred, personal power
I feel you crown me at the final hour
In our calm, evanescent harbor

You said it was a good conversation
I was fighting tears the whole time
We go way back with this
Back & forth you call talking,
To me it’s a battle and
You win, every time

I don’t know who
You think I am
But the me you think you know
Is a YouTube pundit’s scam

I wish you knew the real me
Analytical and accomplished
But also wild and free
It’s lonely in this bubble called “we”
Coming apart at the seams
Feeling understood and respected
Only in my dreams

Sometimes...

Your lover rejects you
Dishes break
Despair crushes you
Vistas are bleak

The rent check bounces
The cupboard is bare
All that you try
Spectacularly fails

You ask yourself
What the ****’s the point
There’s no connection
It’s all disjointed

Intentions wither weakly
The will falls flat
Nothing is working
And that is simply that

Nobody is coming
The heart swells with grief
It seems **** near impossible
To get any relief

Promises were broken
Grave mistakes were made
Nothing is forgiven
Nothing is repaired

When this time arrives
There is naught to do
Surrender to the flow
Trust the emerging new

Pain is your greatest teacher
Love is your strongest arm
Have Faith in your own heart, darling
Believe in the Sacred all around

Love yourself
You are the one thing
I needed
Share of yourself
Show me the things that
You believe in
Love, can you love yourself
Show me everything
Every reason to believe in yourself
Make a shelf
Put all the things on
That you believe in
Love, can you love yourself
Show me everything
Every reason to believe in yourself
Love yourself
You are the one thing
I believe in
Love, can you love yourself
Show me everything
Every reason to believe in yourself
Make a shelf
Put all the things on
That you believe in
Love, can you love yourself
Show me everything
Every reason to believe in yourself
Love, can you love yourself
Show me everything
Every reason to believe in yourself
Love, can you love yourself
(You are the one thing)
Show me everything
Every reason to believe in yourself
(You are the one thing)
Love, can you love yourself
(You are the one thing)
Show me everything
Every reason to believe in yourself

I release thee, deliberately and gently setting on the breeze:

Crestfallen days of empty expanse blocked by the view of my lover’s stone wall.
The blame that creeps over my heart when I insist on weighting events using an algorithm of entitlement.
My lover’s fed up glare, this I implore - may it crush me never more.

I release thee, gladly setting free:

Expectations of my lover’s evolution or any change at all.
Counting. Any notion of counting between us falls away.
Needing my lover’s validation for my success, or even his understanding.

I release thee into the flow
Happy now to know
To believe the revelation
To release the pain
To forgive the hurt
Its purpose served

Love is like the sea -
I won’t hold on or mold its shape.
Each day we wake up new,
The world rages and fawns
Intricate interpersonal intrigue
Tender dynamics
Interspersed with
The reproduction of our living
Our children growing
Darling I commit to presence
I welcome what will grow
Now that I’ve let our decade of lessons go.

I put away the winter of my discontent
I let it scatter to the wind
I give my heart and soul to my lover
So that fences we may mend
And new life start again.

We are stardust in a unified field
There is no you and me
Even so, I love you

I practice loving myself daily
Though they make it hard
Love, and life itself having been commodified

Transformation is my self-love
Rebirth - it’s Spring!
My least favorite season
Songs of wishes raging

From Love comes constriction and
Pain that leaves no path backwards
Thrusting into the open
New again in the calm radiant silence

Melancholy wind slices through the grid and darkness forms an easterly edge to the city, blending into the majestic blackness of the lake.

Emotions escalate, easing sometimes when elusive sleep quells reverie and abandon, contained always in one small room.

The world is sharp to the touch and it’s folly to say everything’s alright, still I notice so many more beautiful sights the longer I am here.

I don’t fear death, darling, only goodbye before the unsaid can emerge into those sweet words that bind us together.

Entire nations and fortunes rise and fall - such happenings are not nearly as grandiose as our polarization, nor as fantastical as our reconciliations.

Witness with me the harrowingly fleeting space we share, feel the need I have for you there, pining through every mundane minute and through dreamless sleeps.

We’ve been through so much
Casual good-nights can’t stop the march of days towards years
So many possibilities for the morning
Please meet me there

Each time I think I’ve finally learned
to stand on my two feet alone
I learn there’s yet another hill to climb
With you as my willing crutch
And I’m always faltering in some
New paradigm just dreamed up
Yesterday by who we were then