stained glass windows in my mind,
the light shines through & it all rewinds.
once more crying tears of yesteryear,
why must you have this power?
your voice remains in the back of my mind
even after all this time:
berating,
judging,
questioning reality.
have I really been hurt at all?
could i possibly be mistaken?
but then I remember I was just a child:
innocent,
in need of love,
seeking comfort.
and where were you?
too inebriated to have a clue.

anger is not a sin,
let out what is within.
you can cry & scream & yell,
you can wish they’d just go to hell
it is okay to feel this way,
& someday you will be okay.

men have never been my forte.
not even my own father has done me right.
I’ve been hurt over,
and over,
and over again.
told constantly of my beauty,
but never of more.
and you know what?
I thought you were different.
I really did.
I thought you wanted me.
not just for my body, but for my mind as well.
god I wish I had known the truth.
did all those late nights spent talking mean nothing to you?
and how about the times that we kissed?
it seemed like we’d never stop.
I could have sworn you felt something
and that I did too.
now I’m not so sure.
am I just a game for you? is that all I am?
do I really mean that little?
I want the real you,
I want more than just your lips.
I want to see your true colors,
but I seem to be blind:
unable to identify what’s right in front of me.
I don’t know if I love you,
but I don’t want to anymore.
I’m tired of guessing,
and guessing,
and guessing.
I’m tired of this feeling,
but I will never be tired of you.
you, my guilty pleasure,
my forbidden fruit,
my biggest secret…
you are not the sun.
I am.

you looked of sanctity
but tasted of sin.
with your wide eyes of blue
& your porcelain skin.

your lips felt so perfect,
right up against mine.
almost as if we were
old stars aligned.

your words were like honey,
they slipped out so smooth.
& so often you spoke,
there was no interlude.

word after word,
I was spellbound.
&
kiss after kiss,
feelings unwound.

you removed all my layers;
left me stripped bare.
and all that was left were
strands of blonde hair.

were they yours?
were they mine?
were they merely a figment
of my lovedrunk mind?

till now i’m unsure,
but would I like to know?
we’ll leave this unanswered,
farewell my faux beau.

one morning I woke,
unaware it would be my last.

not my last morning breathing,
but my last without you
on my mind.

I suppose I am to blame.

I am the one who lit the match,
the one who began the game.

now I’ve lost myself.
lost myself in you.

not just in you,
but in your lies
& your lips
& your arms.

you’re everywhere
& now I’m left to wonder…
where am I?

I whisper
“I love you,”
as you fade away,
your last breaths
soon to come.
a few days pass
and there you go,
away to live with the moon.
I wish I could say “I love you” again,
please say i’ll see you soon.