he swore he could provide me with oceans
when all I could give back was a mere
dew drop.
And so I let him go.

5840 days isn’t a long time to be on earth
when you really think about it.
& if all goes well I should have at least another 20440 until I take my last breath.

so why rush so fast into what’s nearly guaranteed temporary?
call me a pessimist, but love is just a feeling.
and all feelings are temporary when you’re 16 years old.

so when such things are so short-lived,
why waste time on exclusivity & commitment?
especially on someone with such different visions on what love is supposed to be.

no one is obligated to provide reciprocation.
despite the other party’s ambitions or
the strength of how they feel,
some things just aren’t meant to be—
some people just weren’t made to love the same.
so be patient.
savor your youth.
& choose wisely your first love.

but when you’re ready to love?
you love hard.
you love recklessly.
you love exactly as you would want to be loved.
because regardless of its ability (or inability) to last,
love is never easy to forget.
and love should not be taken lightly.

but even as an atheist,
being in his arms
felt like heaven
to me.

feelings rush through
veins of red—
pulsating,
plotting,
yearning.
a breath,
a word,
a touch,
a kiss—
one ***** now
the world is red.

you looked of sanctity
but tasted of sin.
with your wide eyes of blue
& your porcelain skin.

your lips felt so perfect,
right up against mine.
almost as if we were
old stars aligned.

your words were like honey,
they slipped out so smooth.
& so often you spoke,
there was no interlude.

word after word,
I was spellbound.
&
kiss after kiss,
feelings unwound.

you removed all my layers;
left me stripped bare.
and all that was left were
strands of blonde hair.

were they yours?
were they mine?
were they merely a figment
of my lovedrunk mind?

till now i’m unsure,
but would I like to know?
we’ll leave this unanswered,
farewell my faux beau.

stained glass windows in my mind,
the light shines through & it all rewinds.
once more crying tears of yesteryear,
why must you have this power?
your voice remains in the back of my mind
even after all this time:
berating,
judging,
questioning reality.
have I really been hurt at all?
could i possibly be mistaken?
but then I remember I was just a child:
innocent,
in need of love,
seeking comfort.
and where were you?
too inebriated to have a clue.

anger is not a sin,
let out what is within.
you can cry & scream & yell,
you can wish they’d just go to hell
it is okay to feel this way,
& someday you will be okay.

You were blessed with a voice,
One of power and brilliance--
Yet you still choose to sit in the silence?

You were given words upon words
& stance upon stance--
Yet I see not one sign of resistance.

Oh my dear child,
What is holding you back?

Is it fear of shame? simple diffidence?

Your speech is ammunition--
Your lips capable of deliverance more
Powerful than the rifles of wars once long fought.
Yet you still choose to sit in the silence?

Oh my dear child,
If only you knew.

In a world plagued so greatly with censorship and shame,
You’ve been blessed to speak freely as you choose.
Under this flag of red, white, and blue,
The only regulator of your speech
(or lack thereof)
Is you.

Somewhere across the pond is another--
One just as bright and capable as you.
But alas their tender head is still deemed naive
& their gifts remain invariably at rest.
Even now will you sit in the silence?

Oh my dear child,
Now do you see?

Your ability to speak up is a privilege--
One of rarity and great worth.
So cherish this blessing &
Hold it close while you can.
Because who knows?
Just one policy and it could all be stripped free.

I don’t want to be your friend.
I want to kiss your neck.
I want to sink deep into your arms
and never return to the shore.
I want to travel to the parts of you
which no one has dared yet to explore.
I want to be yours—
I want my body to be yours.
and i want yours to be mine.
but for our hearts to do the same?
that’s much easier said than done.

I whisper
“I love you,”
as you fade away,
your last breaths
soon to come.
a few days pass
and there you go,
away to live with the moon.
I wish I could say “I love you” again,
please say i’ll see you soon.

my body is sanctuary—
my body is built of stone.
my body is always with me—
why im never alone.
and while it may be
a part of me,
this place is not my home.
this structure of bone and
mysterious matter is truly nothing
but a place to house my mindless chatter.
the rest is but dust,
taking up space to prove I exist—
to show i am more than my madness.
I am a heartbeat,
a brain wave,
a breath.
I am a sister,
a daughter,
a friend.
but I live in a body that
is not my own—
this is not my home and
therefore I may roam.

I lost myself at age 7.
I crawled into bed and then disappeared.
my childhood behind me—
erased.
set on fire.
all it took was one touch for it all to burn down.
no more trust.
no more love.
no more innocence.
gone.

someday.
you will find someone
whose words
form a bandage
which seamlessly
mends your wounds.
someday.
you will no longer
need to fight
in order to
recieve love.
someday.
you will lose yourself
in the eyes of your lover
but in the midst
you will find who you are.
someday.
you will lose sleep
not because you feel hurt,
but because you feel whole.
someday.
you will find your someone.
you will bask in their warmth.
& hold tight to their hands.
& I pray to god you will never let go.
someday.
maybe not today.
but someday.

her sun spots bragged of
summers spent reckless
and her silver locks of
once box dyed glory.
her drooping skin bragged of
first kisses and a hundred men’s touch—
from her so-called “glory days.”
her plump figure bragged of
children bore and
lovers loved and
a thousand lives lived.
in this old age I deemed her ageless—
having lived more in one lifetime
than most could dream to do in four.

I remember the moment
I knew they were watching—
the moment they became of thin air.

but who were they?
our mothers?
our sisters?
our friends?
could they be everything
wrapped up in one?

so from that moment forward
I lived in a fear
of them staring & spying—
judging every last move.

will they always be watching?
god, please say they won’t.

one morning I woke,
unaware it would be my last.

not my last morning breathing,
but my last without you
on my mind.

I suppose I am to blame.

I am the one who lit the match,
the one who began the game.

now I’ve lost myself.
lost myself in you.

not just in you,
but in your lies
& your lips
& your arms.

you’re everywhere
& now I’m left to wonder…
where am I?

you.
you became
from the 1,999,999.
so despite what it may seem—
you are a rarity,
a true force of nature.
out of 1,999,999
you were the one which
remained:
the one who overcame.
your emergence itself was a miracle—
so how could your existence now be any less?

men have never been my forte.
not even my own father has done me right.
I’ve been hurt over,
and over,
and over again.
told constantly of my beauty,
but never of more.
and you know what?
I thought you were different.
I really did.
I thought you wanted me.
not just for my body, but for my mind as well.
god I wish I had known the truth.
did all those late nights spent talking mean nothing to you?
and how about the times that we kissed?
it seemed like we’d never stop.
I could have sworn you felt something
and that I did too.
now I’m not so sure.
am I just a game for you? is that all I am?
do I really mean that little?
I want the real you,
I want more than just your lips.
I want to see your true colors,
but I seem to be blind:
unable to identify what’s right in front of me.
I don’t know if I love you,
but I don’t want to anymore.
I’m tired of guessing,
and guessing,
and guessing.
I’m tired of this feeling,
but I will never be tired of you.
you, my guilty pleasure,
my forbidden fruit,
my biggest secret…
you are not the sun.
I am.