I don't know how I managed to love you. It wasn't you. It was me. I had a heartbreak that nearly made me numb for the rest of my life. I felt too much that I almost felt nothing at all. I was hurt. No, damaged. Emotionally and mentally. I looked happy, perhaps happy is an overstatement for the act I've put on so let me rephrase, I looked... normal. Sad on some days. But no one would have guessed that the ache in my heart was extremely painful I could physically feel it. I tried looking for ways to help myself but there was no medication that could get me back on my feet. And then I tried meditating but of course, I crashed into tears every time I stood up to pray. I asked God to help me and to heal my heart. I couldn't understand what kind of love would do that to you. I doubt it was love at all. I wish I could say that I'm simply exaggerating while describing my situation back then. I wish I could make it sound beautiful, like in the movies, or at least make a story out of it. But no, see, it was the furthest thing from beautiful and it is the last thing I would want to romanticize. I was broken, and then I was fine again. I helped myself, I took care of myself. I simply gave myself all the time and attention I needed. And I've sworn not to fall in love with anything temporary. I would fall in love with books and fictional characters and my own daydreams but never with something that could be taken away from me, never with a person. Especially since it's not guaranteed. But then, you showed up. I promise I had no intention of loving you. Until this very day, I wish I could stop it because my love for you brought us apart. My passion. My eagerness. And my desire. Then your coldness. Your carelessness. And the way it put out my fire. My dear, I'm not here to tell you about the things you did or didn't do. I'm not here to right your wrongs or point out your flaws. I'm here to tell you that you gave me a feeling that there is still a glimpse of hope. There is still some good left in the world. There is still, the tiniest possibility of soulmates finding each other. There is love. And my love, it is important. I'm here to tell you that rather than bringing out a side of me that everyone had the privilege of meeting, you brought out the worst in me. You showed me what it's like to have someone **** you off to the extreme but still, you wouldn't trade them for the world. You showed me a deeper connection and the true meaning of friendship. You showed me, in months, what someone else would fail to show me in years. You had the kind of laugh that made me believe that there is an ending to all my bad days. After hearing your laugh, anything negative would be eliminated out of my mind. You had eyes that struck me to death. You had that one-in-a-million killer smile and curls I could get lost in. You were exquisite. Out of the ordinary. You still are. And I think you always will be. You made me want to write again, to feel again and to experience again. I promise you, you made me want to sing at the top of my lungs to songs I don't even listen to and smile at strangers and talk about what bothers me. You made me head over heels for you. But then, you made me want to drop everything and leave. And although we lost touch, know that I love you still.

Why can't my liver filter thoughts like it does with alcohol?

It would save me the trouble of all the money I've spent to free myself of bad decisions,

There is so much formality within a sober moment, while my drunkenness speaks freely,

My brain doesn't erase moments like alcohol does, yet my liver puts up a fight reminding me to think,

Fantasizing over an image created by theses slurred and blurred overzealous eyes,

I am attracted to bars like teachers are to mls style, and to this day I'm still not sure which one has been more beneficial.

Looking down the road of allowing glass, I measured my state of mind to pick my poison,

Tequila adds a flower to a withering soul, ***** snuffs out the light where it gets to bold, whiskey fakes the fight with its bros, while gin loosens the bones and wine your emotions, at last we have beer a truth serum more powerful than love,

What they all take is feeling, a small price to learning what we see in the refection is really something we refuse to collude with.

My liver is always amazed, the amount of control I give to it, whilst the hand with a drink in it stays steady,

The other acquires shame, controlled by a freedom of released inhibitions,

If I could escape the safety of the dinner lights for the missing love that I thought drive me here,

My liver is alone, in the battle, like one soldier who's realized that their command center threw them into a death trap and their enemies are mindless zombies of fallen memories,

My toast is not alone, followed by smiles and condolences, significant enough to convince everyone, maybe one more.

It was on a sunny day mid fall when I caught these eyes staring right into my soul

Oh where is my ******* voice when I need it?
Not even 5 feet deep in muddy waters would it come,
Phase two raise the brows, it's worked before,

It was her lips a soft pink that flushed her pale skin with color

My head in a book as she pops over my shoulder,
I read a verse aloud in a tone I thought the character might have,
"But poetry, beauty, romance, love... these are what we stay alive for""
A wet sensation overcomes my cheek, my hand reaches for hers,

Three in the morning, a hand traces along her thigh up slowly making it's way to the ****

I love watching eyes like the oceans water receive their first ray of light,
the pupils snap tight bringing focus,
a smile reveals itself, the eyes slipping back under the lids.

On the dance floor we spin into each other colliding, our sweat trading our garments

My lip bleeds, a scratch under my eye puts life into perspective,
Clean thoughts ripped to shreds, the nearest wall finds my fist,
She was shaking, I almost felt like crying

Inside her it's rhythmic, like a bikes gears as they propel their rider faster and further

Inside her head it must  look like we are all pieces of ****, it has to,
She's just so ******* happy all the time,

Rain falls into the ground not onto it, a realization noticed where she laid

One is a lonely number but the solidarity comes free,
I only feel right when there is two, where life becomes a struggle,
It only become worse once there was three,

sitting in the passenger side, hair a sandy blond filtering in the sunsets reds and blues

i believe this was right,
that I made the life I have bright,
two beautiful souls to protect at night,
the journeys beginning  still in sight.

Withered hands page through a life time of photos, peace settles in the lung with each breath

Little Bit for Pixie

I lay down beside her,
Our breathing matches,
I close my eyes and let sleep take hold,
She wakes up beside me
Her hand running lightly through my hair
She prepares for her day,
We say our good byes,
There may not be a next time,
We hug hoping time will stop,
I lay down in my bed
She lays in hers
Tonight we dream of our little bit we shared

When Love comes knocking I imagine myself coming to the door late at night
With tired eyes and a weary mouth I'll mumble
"Where have you been all this time?"
Like a mother waiting for a child to come home at night, furious and tired but relieved all the same.
I imagine myself falling and falling hard,
Over and over until I'm not sure I can get back up again.
Love will be beautiful and Love will be bliss.
Love will feel like an endless sunny day and Love will feel like home.
Love will be all I've ever wanted
Until Love lies and Love cheats and Love stays out until 3 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and staggering feet.
When Love comes home with angry fists time and time again,
I will finally realize Love changes.
So I will kick Love out into the street and shout "I DON'T NEED YOU".
One day I may even believe it.
One day I will come back inside to see Love was standing in the mirror the whole time.

Never
Never again
Never again will
Never again will I
Never again will I
Never again will I take
Never again will I take
Never again will I take a
Never again will I take a breath
Never again will I take breathing
Never again will I take breathing for
Never again will I take breathing for granted
Never