he came, i cried
a blanket wrapped around me and a bra I’ve just unclasped
because he asked me to
they always do
I fall into pattern and I do as he pleases
and he tells me it’s on my conditions
and I’m too tired of definitions
for I don’t know what’s right or wrong
I’m afraid he’s just like them
and I’m so sick of wearing a thong
fluttering eyelashes and doing makeup only for him
my worth boiled down to a simple *** doll
tell me to reach for the alcohol
at least that makes me feel better for a while
when he’s not around
he’s n o t around

whirlwinds dust ashes
it wanders and follows your every step
your hair turns into moss, your fingertips connect with your accomplice
someday you will have to saw them in two
I wonder if your laugh will be the same once its your fingers under the blade
you’re turning bald and your nose is merely a button
can you smell the stench you create every time you lower your lip?
do you see the trail of destruction?

your bed is a coffin
your heart is non-existent
it’s a shame your teeth don’t even match the vision
your eyes aren’t rubies and your gums aren’t ******
glory is fictious, horns are the dream
not even that is what it may seem
for your head is a block of dirt and your thoughts are deflated
perhaps the worms came and ate them
perhaps they feast on you the same way you feast on me

except you don’t
the feast is your imagination
your perception is pitiful
you are forever insubstantial

why do I write when I’m sad?
how do I express emotions when they aren’t bad?
I’ve got my mind turned off and my ghost is asleep
I replaced him with my soul and traded love for spontaneity
a disembodied existence
incorporeity

value connection and protection
but never hold your words
they escape the weak grip of your promises like hummingbirds
premises of sobriety and vandalizing the heart of your lover
games and rules we never follow
declare yourself the oracle of Apollo

villains of the world and ink in your skin
tell ourselves we practice deadly sin
reflection in the mirror and that wicked look you carry
they know you’re not here to Hail Mary

abuse with no release
I feel sorry for them and you’re not a masterpiece
prove it with marks on my neck
show you the bruise on my thigh
I’ve finally escaped your high

lighting is dim but defined with a flash
her fingers reach to put her bra into place
she bought it a week ago and it’s all lined with lace
she fluffs up her hair with a strand behind her ear
she remembers when this moment brought her fear

it’s 11:00pm and the bra will stay on until 11:05pm
her makeup is long wear and it starts to hurt her eyes
but she knows her eyeliner will paralyze glamorize and hypnotize
duty
obligation or free will?

her body sheds the last piece of clothing
she knows now’s the time to start moaning
they won’t notice how forced it feels
she’s already got them head over heels
their mind stops working or at least that’s what they say
what’s more important than their lust?
project your important with every ******

she’s a product of their imagination
she’s an object
or at least that’s what they make it seem
she’s to do whatever they dream

***** talk, slow blinking and a kiss
soft caresses or hard slaps
soon they’ll line her arms with straps
tied tied tied
or free free free
what’s control and where does it end?
was this ever a way to mend?

I’m *** *** *** *** ***
is my worth portrayed in the pleasure?
is there any other way to measure?
how should I view myself
if all other people see is themself

empower
support but never consider
all the ways in which you hurt her
don’t come around and don’t touch me there
don’t rip apart my underwear

I still touch and I still come around
I’m your personal little playground

she saw it on her clothes
the rips and tears the hanging threads
she saw it on her body
the skin and marks imbedded in her cells
when her life is pointless and she draws parallels
between highs and the percentage of the bottle in her hand
but she’s a coward and it all tastes the same
instead of this she’ll be seated on a witness stand
let the rage begin let your thoughts pour out
but never mind because no one is here and you’re pathetic
there’s no point, stop thrashing around!
the sky is empty and you’re the devil
sit back and watch the angels who leave you
they will revel

she will call out and hope for a single word for that’s more than she’s heard
in the last days weeks or eternity
paint your ugly eyes with burgundy

she sees her mirror but not herself
a ghost or silhouette or someone posing to appear attractive
everything is retroactive
her legs are torn her arms are worn
she’s easy and she’s too nice
trust me you won’t need to tell her twice

she is pained
I saw that she cried after she came
she was alone in bed
she won’t get that image out of her head
she’s spiraling
I’m spiraling
her and I her and I
it all equals me
she’s fictive and it’s my disguise
I’m alone
anyone please talk me down

there’s smoke in your lungs and under the kitchen fan
I protect my breathing with a clasp of my hand
you sit by yourself and the words you must’ve spoken were minimal
for I don’t have memories of you in my childhood
you push me out the door and I surrender to the couch
dad told me that he cried

you’re out in the garden and I think that’s nice
sometimes you even photograph butterflies
you hate cooking but you do it every once in a while
you told me dad always offered wine

I sit in a chair and remember your words
I look down at myself and I don’t see my worth
a beach in a foreign country or the swimming lessons at school
they’ll always force me to jump in the pool
I’ll cry as I write
I’ll stain every paper
who ever told you that you are the gatekeeper?

years and years and there’s still tears
but they may be drying down
and maybe one day I can look at you in the eye
you’re not evil
you’re insensitive
yet I could never question someone so authoritative

she drinks peach flavoured ice-tea but it doesn’t quench her thirst
she’s taking off her jacket and she’s warm
maybe it’s because her heart will burst
from all the love she carries inside it
her nails are painted against her will
I cut the split ends of her hair while I give her a pill
she lets me know the sound of me breathing brings calm to her mind
if that’s the case I’ll keep my breaths refined

we stole that shirt together
she says it’s okay for they’re corrupt
and that’s why we’re allowed to disrupt
we take the train with an unknown destination
she may rest her head against the window
just the sight brings me inspiration

we’ll destroy our town with propaganda
we say the police are cruel and dumb
she's disguised as sweeter than cherry plum
one day we’ll travel far and wide
soon enough we’ll be running away
I love her more for every day